This was so good. Such very good advice. Thank you for sharing your very expansive reasonableness and the affirmation that as moms, we aren't a sacrifice (Jesus was that for us!), we are a gift. Most moms typically run in over-sacrifice mode as it is--to our detriment (and thus our kids' and our husband's). So yes, very excellent post. Thank you.
I love how you revealed a bigger and more expansive vision in this response than a straightforward response about logistics would have been. (There's a time and a place for those kinds of conversations, too, which you've also given us! We all love a good, practical glimpse into how-it-gets-done-behind-the-scenes.)
Selfishly, I also appreciate hearing from someone who didn't/doesn't have a ton of family help with childrearing, a husband with a flexible-work-from-home schedule to balance the parenting load like we're back in pre-Industrial times (haha), lots of money to burn, or endlessly ideal conditions or resources to make it all work. Yes, perhaps I am just a bit tired of hearing how moms make anything work... with the key seeming to be one or all of those factors. :')
But truly, we all appreciate your perspective. You know how to encourage both aspiration and realism, gentleness and resilience.
I'm not at all a "letting go of / trying to finish the PhD" mother. I actually kind of mourn the time I seemingly squandered in my single 20's when I could have been doing things I wish I could do now! For me, it's been kind of the inverse in motherhood - discovering I might actually want to incorporate more into myself and motherhood than I thought in my younger years. So, the same but different, and still figuring it out. We all have our particular lives to deal with, I suppose. Which is why I so appreciated how you answered these questions.
There's a particular feeling to being a mom (or dad) without the kind of support you mention...I think of it sometimes as a version of "the buck stops here." It can really lead into what Angela calls "over-sacrifice mode" in her comment above because you think to yourself, If I don't make X or Y happen for my kids, no one will. And if I have a need that is unmet, well, no one is going to meet it, so I guess I have to find a way to function with it unmet.
Oh, if only -- if only -- I had understood much earlier that actually I should have prioritized meeting my own needs.
(And on a lighter note, I had to laugh at the 90 minutes of Little Bear comment. I absolutely do this on the regular.... especially in the winter when getting them outside on their own is harder. haha It's SUCH a wonderful little low-stimulation show, full of very normal adventures!!)
Yeah, we are a very low-screen family and there have been times when deploying some shows daily for some good reason has been a huge help! I notice, too, that I sometimes hear shows being recommended so that Mom can cook dinner in peace or do a workout or something...why not to support Mom reading a book or writing an essay?
There are higher-TV times and lower-TV times. No shame. We're not talking about 8 hours a day here. We're talking about kids who do lots of great stuff all day long.
Dixie, this is so good. I know I told you I'd write a thing on intellectual life and parenting but I'm buried in class and thesis and starting to homeschool and writing a newsletter for my daughter's catechesis. I'm writing a combo "what they did in class today, in case your kid reports doing absolutely nothing" and "some additional relevant catechesis for the parents" which allows me to use my theology training. The commitment of doing this every week made me realize that I was capable of writing something meaty-ish every week, and that confidence opened other doors for me.
I was planning to do a PhD but I'm exhausted and desperately looking forward to finishing my MA. So much of parenting *is* intellectual, especially when the kids are old enough to learn to read and write (and why not introduce Hebrew and learn alongside them?) or ask questions from surprising angles ("when they took away Jesus clothes, wouldn't he be cold?")
When the weather is nice, I spend a lot of time on the front porch, reading, while my kids putz around in the yard.
"I was planning to do a PhD but I'm exhausted and desperately looking forward to finishing my MA." I think you are making a good decision by finishing the MA but not going on to a PhD right now! Exhausted means stop and recover. Who knows what lies ahead, though? And with or without a PhD, you can do and already are doing great, important work in all sorts of areas. I think you're awesome!
Thanks :) Yeah, I have learned to never make hard and fast plans because they will be disrupted. I have one class now, one class in the fall, and my thesis (which I'm working on now) and then I'm done. And I'll take a breather and see what's next.
I want to add one more thing because I think it's hilarious although I've never gotten my things together to actually try it. A friend of mine told me about her friend who liked to read but she had little kids, so she would get a book and a bowl of ice water and a rag. When her kids interrupted her, she wiped their faces. Pretty soon they stopped interrupting her.
I have spent an enormous amount of time studying dyslexia and the science of reading (from various angles) in order to teach my kids to read. Learning differences run at least in my husband’s side of the family. Sometimes I wish I could get credit for this. I completed an online training program that reading specialists with MAs do as continuing education, which I do have a “certificate” from. I read aloud more so that my kids can have access to material above their reading levels (we use audio books too.) I have done all of this for one child in particular, though it has or will benefit all my children, I hope. Who knows, maybe it will benefit others in the future too.
Anyway, this is just one area in which I have grown intellectually as a parent, although no degrees have been involved. It’s likely that I could have completed some sort of degree program in the time I have devoted to this study and extra homeschooling time, but God called me to this specific work when he gave me my children. I did have different plans, but so many of my plans have had to be laid aside for various reasons.
That's amazing, Katherine. Yes, when you're homeschooling (and probably even if you're not, if there are learning differences among your kids) you can easily find yourself studying and experimenting and becoming an expert on unexpected things. I like your point about it being possible that your work now may benefit others in the future, too. Of course, it's enough for it to help you with your own kids now; but there ma well be something developing within this -- whether in the topical area or in some virtue or skill developed through this work -- that you may realize in fifteen years has become crucial to some important part of your life in the future.
I so relate to this! I joke that at this point I could work as a lactation consultant myself — not to diminish their education at all — because my children have required I learn so much. The same with deep dives into other various concerns, educational methods etc…
I also have a “certificate” in hands on therapy that I got to work with this baby. I don’t begrudge any of the learning but I do occasionally wish it was in a “verified” format so I could get paid for it 😅. Perhaps one day… and in the meantime I really don’t have time to do it for anyone else but my family anyway!
This sounds a lot like my mom’s story — and she was able to get a job as a dyslexia specialist when us kids were older! She did already have a teaching degree, but she was able to finesse her resume enough to turn her time as a homemaker and learning for fun into qualifications for the dyslexia position.
This is just what I needed to read! I am 37 weeks pregnant with my second child and on my 6th year of PhD, with no end in sight. I am currently on leave from the university and very discouraged. I am figuring out if it is worth it for me to go through the effort and sacrifice to finish. It was very encouraging to read about your experience and your timeline with PhD and kids! It made me think that maybe I can do it too.
Cristina, congratulations on your baby! 37 weeks pregnant is not a time to give up on the PhD...it's a time when you pretty much feel like giving up on everything, ha! Not a time for big decisions.
Seriously, though...especially if you are in the dissertation stage or near it I think you really probably *can* finish if you want to. Just don't push yourself too hard or too fast. And if you decide not to, that's also fine -- but make the decision because it's what you want/discern, not because you are down on yourself, you know?
But wait to make a decision until the baby is 6 months old at least. Give yourself a nice long maternity leave if you need to. There is time. Things will change! Energy and perspective will return! How you feel now (and the number of naps you need!) is not how you will feel later!
Finally got the chance to read this—thank you! Both for answering my question and for the wealth of wisdom in your piece. We've finally emerged out the other side of grad school, and this provides a lot of things to think about going forward. I've recently decided that two part time jobs and primary homemaker & caregiver for two toddlers isn't long-term sustainable (even with some childcare). It's hard to give one up, but I'll remind myself that there will be another chance, someday. And I'm hopeful that this will keep me from viewing my girls as interruptions...which happens more than I'd like to admit during the strained seasons!
I'm glad you liked it, Melody! Yeah, doubling up on the outside work while maintaining all the inside work too is...a lot. And yet I know that temptation very well! I hope you'll find this coming season a bit more relaxed!
Thanks! I'm very inspired by you (& @nadyawilliams too!) for having chosen the better portion of being present for your kids, while also remaining an intellectual powerhouse. (And I'm also still grateful for the time you had me to dinner as a wee college sophomore!)
Yes, Chris and I both remember you warmly, Melody -- Chris was actually so excited to see your question in this post when he read it! So happy to see that you are thriving and using all your wonderful qualities so well.
I wish I had this in 2016 when I got married and had four children whilst doing my PhD part time.
Letting go of control was the biggest lesson and one that God had to smack me in the face with via a baby every two years (one with special needs). THEN he had to do it again by answering my desperate prayer late in pregnancy with my third one, with an inexplicable catastrophic data loss that wiped out 2 years of work during my maternity leave. I pivoted to a MA and pumped out a 40 k thesis in year with 10 hrs of an amazing nanny and my husband being okay with letting the major household tasks go.
It’s all possible. It does take radical honesty with yourself about your motives and desires. The humility brought with having shall children hurts and yet is so so good. And my mentor from undergrad was absolutely right. Motherhood will make you a better scholar, if only because you simply don’t have time to faff around.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this! I have been so worried about ~all of this~ lately -- your words have been soothing and encouraging!
I am so glad that you found it helpful!
This is so beautiful and wise. Thank you, Dixie!
Thanks, Tessa!
This was so good. Such very good advice. Thank you for sharing your very expansive reasonableness and the affirmation that as moms, we aren't a sacrifice (Jesus was that for us!), we are a gift. Most moms typically run in over-sacrifice mode as it is--to our detriment (and thus our kids' and our husband's). So yes, very excellent post. Thank you.
"Over-sacrifice mode." Well said. I have experienced burnout more than once due to this in the past.
I love how you revealed a bigger and more expansive vision in this response than a straightforward response about logistics would have been. (There's a time and a place for those kinds of conversations, too, which you've also given us! We all love a good, practical glimpse into how-it-gets-done-behind-the-scenes.)
Selfishly, I also appreciate hearing from someone who didn't/doesn't have a ton of family help with childrearing, a husband with a flexible-work-from-home schedule to balance the parenting load like we're back in pre-Industrial times (haha), lots of money to burn, or endlessly ideal conditions or resources to make it all work. Yes, perhaps I am just a bit tired of hearing how moms make anything work... with the key seeming to be one or all of those factors. :')
But truly, we all appreciate your perspective. You know how to encourage both aspiration and realism, gentleness and resilience.
I'm not at all a "letting go of / trying to finish the PhD" mother. I actually kind of mourn the time I seemingly squandered in my single 20's when I could have been doing things I wish I could do now! For me, it's been kind of the inverse in motherhood - discovering I might actually want to incorporate more into myself and motherhood than I thought in my younger years. So, the same but different, and still figuring it out. We all have our particular lives to deal with, I suppose. Which is why I so appreciated how you answered these questions.
There's a particular feeling to being a mom (or dad) without the kind of support you mention...I think of it sometimes as a version of "the buck stops here." It can really lead into what Angela calls "over-sacrifice mode" in her comment above because you think to yourself, If I don't make X or Y happen for my kids, no one will. And if I have a need that is unmet, well, no one is going to meet it, so I guess I have to find a way to function with it unmet.
Oh, if only -- if only -- I had understood much earlier that actually I should have prioritized meeting my own needs.
Absolutely.
(And on a lighter note, I had to laugh at the 90 minutes of Little Bear comment. I absolutely do this on the regular.... especially in the winter when getting them outside on their own is harder. haha It's SUCH a wonderful little low-stimulation show, full of very normal adventures!!)
Yeah, we are a very low-screen family and there have been times when deploying some shows daily for some good reason has been a huge help! I notice, too, that I sometimes hear shows being recommended so that Mom can cook dinner in peace or do a workout or something...why not to support Mom reading a book or writing an essay?
There are higher-TV times and lower-TV times. No shame. We're not talking about 8 hours a day here. We're talking about kids who do lots of great stuff all day long.
This comment resonates with me SO much. <3
So much wisdom!! Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, Kerri!
Dixie, this is so good. I know I told you I'd write a thing on intellectual life and parenting but I'm buried in class and thesis and starting to homeschool and writing a newsletter for my daughter's catechesis. I'm writing a combo "what they did in class today, in case your kid reports doing absolutely nothing" and "some additional relevant catechesis for the parents" which allows me to use my theology training. The commitment of doing this every week made me realize that I was capable of writing something meaty-ish every week, and that confidence opened other doors for me.
I was planning to do a PhD but I'm exhausted and desperately looking forward to finishing my MA. So much of parenting *is* intellectual, especially when the kids are old enough to learn to read and write (and why not introduce Hebrew and learn alongside them?) or ask questions from surprising angles ("when they took away Jesus clothes, wouldn't he be cold?")
When the weather is nice, I spend a lot of time on the front porch, reading, while my kids putz around in the yard.
"I was planning to do a PhD but I'm exhausted and desperately looking forward to finishing my MA." I think you are making a good decision by finishing the MA but not going on to a PhD right now! Exhausted means stop and recover. Who knows what lies ahead, though? And with or without a PhD, you can do and already are doing great, important work in all sorts of areas. I think you're awesome!
Thanks :) Yeah, I have learned to never make hard and fast plans because they will be disrupted. I have one class now, one class in the fall, and my thesis (which I'm working on now) and then I'm done. And I'll take a breather and see what's next.
I want to add one more thing because I think it's hilarious although I've never gotten my things together to actually try it. A friend of mine told me about her friend who liked to read but she had little kids, so she would get a book and a bowl of ice water and a rag. When her kids interrupted her, she wiped their faces. Pretty soon they stopped interrupting her.
I have spent an enormous amount of time studying dyslexia and the science of reading (from various angles) in order to teach my kids to read. Learning differences run at least in my husband’s side of the family. Sometimes I wish I could get credit for this. I completed an online training program that reading specialists with MAs do as continuing education, which I do have a “certificate” from. I read aloud more so that my kids can have access to material above their reading levels (we use audio books too.) I have done all of this for one child in particular, though it has or will benefit all my children, I hope. Who knows, maybe it will benefit others in the future too.
Anyway, this is just one area in which I have grown intellectually as a parent, although no degrees have been involved. It’s likely that I could have completed some sort of degree program in the time I have devoted to this study and extra homeschooling time, but God called me to this specific work when he gave me my children. I did have different plans, but so many of my plans have had to be laid aside for various reasons.
Glory to God for all things.
That's amazing, Katherine. Yes, when you're homeschooling (and probably even if you're not, if there are learning differences among your kids) you can easily find yourself studying and experimenting and becoming an expert on unexpected things. I like your point about it being possible that your work now may benefit others in the future, too. Of course, it's enough for it to help you with your own kids now; but there ma well be something developing within this -- whether in the topical area or in some virtue or skill developed through this work -- that you may realize in fifteen years has become crucial to some important part of your life in the future.
I so relate to this! I joke that at this point I could work as a lactation consultant myself — not to diminish their education at all — because my children have required I learn so much. The same with deep dives into other various concerns, educational methods etc…
I also have a “certificate” in hands on therapy that I got to work with this baby. I don’t begrudge any of the learning but I do occasionally wish it was in a “verified” format so I could get paid for it 😅. Perhaps one day… and in the meantime I really don’t have time to do it for anyone else but my family anyway!
I so know what you mean about lactation! My goodness, the knowledge and skill a mother amasses.
This sounds a lot like my mom’s story — and she was able to get a job as a dyslexia specialist when us kids were older! She did already have a teaching degree, but she was able to finesse her resume enough to turn her time as a homemaker and learning for fun into qualifications for the dyslexia position.
This was very encouraging. Thank you, Dixie!
This is just what I needed to read! I am 37 weeks pregnant with my second child and on my 6th year of PhD, with no end in sight. I am currently on leave from the university and very discouraged. I am figuring out if it is worth it for me to go through the effort and sacrifice to finish. It was very encouraging to read about your experience and your timeline with PhD and kids! It made me think that maybe I can do it too.
Cristina, congratulations on your baby! 37 weeks pregnant is not a time to give up on the PhD...it's a time when you pretty much feel like giving up on everything, ha! Not a time for big decisions.
Seriously, though...especially if you are in the dissertation stage or near it I think you really probably *can* finish if you want to. Just don't push yourself too hard or too fast. And if you decide not to, that's also fine -- but make the decision because it's what you want/discern, not because you are down on yourself, you know?
But wait to make a decision until the baby is 6 months old at least. Give yourself a nice long maternity leave if you need to. There is time. Things will change! Energy and perspective will return! How you feel now (and the number of naps you need!) is not how you will feel later!
Hang in there!
Thank you so much! This is really good advice. Late pregnancy can be so tough and some days I want to give up even walking up the stairs! Haha.
Finally got the chance to read this—thank you! Both for answering my question and for the wealth of wisdom in your piece. We've finally emerged out the other side of grad school, and this provides a lot of things to think about going forward. I've recently decided that two part time jobs and primary homemaker & caregiver for two toddlers isn't long-term sustainable (even with some childcare). It's hard to give one up, but I'll remind myself that there will be another chance, someday. And I'm hopeful that this will keep me from viewing my girls as interruptions...which happens more than I'd like to admit during the strained seasons!
I'm glad you liked it, Melody! Yeah, doubling up on the outside work while maintaining all the inside work too is...a lot. And yet I know that temptation very well! I hope you'll find this coming season a bit more relaxed!
Thanks! I'm very inspired by you (& @nadyawilliams too!) for having chosen the better portion of being present for your kids, while also remaining an intellectual powerhouse. (And I'm also still grateful for the time you had me to dinner as a wee college sophomore!)
Yes, Chris and I both remember you warmly, Melody -- Chris was actually so excited to see your question in this post when he read it! So happy to see that you are thriving and using all your wonderful qualities so well.
I wish I had this in 2016 when I got married and had four children whilst doing my PhD part time.
Letting go of control was the biggest lesson and one that God had to smack me in the face with via a baby every two years (one with special needs). THEN he had to do it again by answering my desperate prayer late in pregnancy with my third one, with an inexplicable catastrophic data loss that wiped out 2 years of work during my maternity leave. I pivoted to a MA and pumped out a 40 k thesis in year with 10 hrs of an amazing nanny and my husband being okay with letting the major household tasks go.
It’s all possible. It does take radical honesty with yourself about your motives and desires. The humility brought with having shall children hurts and yet is so so good. And my mentor from undergrad was absolutely right. Motherhood will make you a better scholar, if only because you simply don’t have time to faff around.
Love this, KP. Solidarity.