How do you do it Dixie? I have not even had time to get to your last piece yet...Just about to publish a post we've been working on, after which I can breathe again and take time to catch up on my reading. Will share my thoughts then :)
It's the editors! They have this way of deciding to publish my pieces close together, or even on the same day. (I mean, of course, they don't do this on purpose!) Sigh...and then I make plans to delay sending them out via the Hollow so that there's space between them, but then when the time comes, I just can't help myself!
Editing schedules can feel very random for the writer! It's hard when there are so many pieces being juggled - but also awesome that there's so much good writing out there from you!
Lot of wisdom here, Dixie! I appreciate the nuance and examples you gave. Sometimes it feels like the parenting advice we're given doesn't encourage graduated stages very well. Everything is all or nothing. I like the idea of "first (or multiple) exposure" where kids learn things alongside of parents and then try it on their own--like the example you gave of the girl using hand tools after first being guided by her parents. When my daughter was 7, after walking her through the library book return a couple of times, I asked her to try it on her own. It somehow resulted in a book getting lost (between the van where I sat and the book return outside the library, just out of my line of sight), but she was so proud of herself afterwards. Now, she regularly takes her books back inside and gives the librarian her card to check the books and they chat a little.
We've also expanded her bike riding range. It's still in our broader neighborhood, but out of sight of our house and earshot. Most of the streets do not have sidewalks. I didn't grow up with any boundaries on where I could bike--my parents never said and I never asked. It meant I ranged a bit farther than what was wise (looking back) and ended up in some very sketch situations that could have very easily gone sideways quickly. While I know we can learn from those situations, I'm trying to strike a balance now. We're learning. I have found out she's a lot more capable than I often allow her to be. :)
(Also, complete rabbit trail: my brain keeps wanting to call you D.D. and I finally figured out why. In high school, I had a friend named DeeDee who looks so much like you, only her curls were blond, not auburn.)
Great examples, Abigail. Once they know how to do something like take the books into the library to return, then they can also try something like taking a prepaid (or with cash to pay) package into the post office. Similar skills, but a different setting. Once they're familiar with the basics, they can start learning to apply common sense to different situations!
Re: rabbit trail -- that's so funny! Probably doesn't help that my first two initials are D.D.!
Loved this read! As you know, I wrote about this recently too and there was robust discussion in the comments regarding how this plays out. Such an important topic!
I also loved how you brought in Hold On to Your Kids (best "parenting" book ever). I've also encountered the idea that attachment and independence are at odds, and you laid out beautifully how that isn't true.
Thank you, Amber! I loved your piece on the topic, as you know, and I'm really glad to see these things being discussed increasingly widely. It's kind of a hard thing to discuss publicly because, of course, one always wants to respect family privacy. But it's something that relates to public life, as well, including infrastructure and policy and just overall social expectations!
And I agree about that book -- best "parenting" book ever, in part because it is applicable to so many different parenting styles!
I am in the process of "building up" to a lot of independence/free range milestones with my kids, namely biking and walking to school alone. The process is always the same. First, we do it together a few times, and we call it "practice." We tell them we are working towards their ability to do this alone. After some practice, I hang back a ways and say, "Pretend I'm not here. Show me that you know the route, that you will stop at stop signs, ride at a safe speed, etc." During the weeks between these steps we talk about it; what would you do if someone offered you a ride home, even someone you knew? What would you do if your bike chain came off? What would you say if someone asked you where your parents are? When we feel they are ready, I'll still probably walk them down the hill and across the busiest street on the way there for a few trips. The gradual process is good for them and for me, and I think it also encourages them to show they can do it because they know I'm looking for signs that they can. I am rooting for their independence!
When it comes to fear and anxiety, as an engineer I think a lot about the odds. The likelihood that my children will have any negative interaction on the 0.6 mile ride through a residential neighborhood between home and school with a stranger is quite small. The odds that they will enjoy a 10 minute bike ride in a familiar setting are high, and the odds that doing this regularly will encourage independence and good judgement are also high. I try to remember this.
That being said . . . I have considered buying a set of high quality walkie talkies for them to take along in a year or so when I let them go play basketball in the local park, in order to pre-empt any misplaced concern by other parents, adults, or even (heaven forbid) the police. The modern expectation that you are always able to communicate with your children weighs on me, even if I think it is misguided.
Sounds like you are doing great things for your kids, Amy.
Yes, my husband reminds me that the risks of *not* letting the kids do things like this are actually *greater* than the risks of letting them. We are so focused on physical safety that it is hard to stand strongly in the idea that, for example, children need to jump off of (relatively low) walls in order for their bones and balance to grow strong. Not allowing them to jump so that they will not break a bone is actually something that can lead to brittle bones. Whereas the chance of them breaking a bone from a three-foot jump is really quite low...
I do send a dumbphone with my kids when they are going far afield, mainly because there are no payphones available. When I was a kid, my parents made sure I had quarters or a phone card to use to call home if I needed to; these days, we don't have that option.
I love your practical ideas, Dixie — I feel so encouraged! My kids are not quite old enough to be completely independent yet (3 and almost 1 year old) but I’m keeping this in my back pocket for the future, and using it as a prompt to think about what little things my 3 year old *can* do on his own. I’m really glad other parents are thinking about this topic as I’ve noticed fear & worry from parents (or grandparents) holding kids back.
Thank you, Rachel! Yes, you're doing the wonderful ground work now for later independence. Interdependence is just as important as independence! But yes, the latter is often avoided out of parental fear.
I remember that my eldest really started to learn to play a little bit independently when she was two and I was pregnant with her younger sibling and feeling quite sick. Turns out she could really have a lot of fun playing with magnetic tiles by herself on the floor while I lay on the couch! They do take these little steps, often naturally, over time...the thing is to expect them and remember that children are always changing. What he or she couldn't do six months ago might be quite a different story now!
Great piece! I loved this point, "Free-range parenting is thus actually the fulfillment of attachment theory." Now that my oldest is almost a teenager, I see this playing out and giving her freedom feels like a natural next step, because I have confidence in her "inner compass."
One of the great places I have found to give the kids "independence practice" is at our church. We have a several buildings on the parish campus, and go to many events at church and the parish hall. It's a great place to let the kids run around and play with their friends, with minimal supervision required. And there's lots of known and trusted adults around too.
Dixie, I'm blown away by how much wisdom you've managed to pack into one piece (again!) I'll be sharing this with lots of friends who are parenting. There were so many great points, but I really appreciated that you pointed out how possible it is to baby-step your kids towards independence. It's really obvious but I think some parents just get overwhelmed at the idea of their kids suddenly doing x (cooking a meal, walking to a shop) and forget that you can actually teach them this over time! It doesn't have to be zero to sixty in one day.
To me it pairs nicely with a Montessori-esque approach to early childhood: appreciating that the child is capable; show them the work and then let them practice until they and you both feel that they have mastered it confidently. I would love to know if anyone has done any studies about whether kids who are in a Montessori-esque (so called b/c it isn't copyrighted and can vary widely) environment end up being a bit more free-range/ independent.
Thanks, Kerri! I agree that Montessori has a wonderful focus on children's capability and on allowing children to try things. I would be curious about such a study, too, especially as relates to adolescents who ahve been in a Montessori farm school environment.
My personal style leans more toward allowing children to discover how things work, but I don't lean all the way in that direction, so to speak -- trying not to topple over! I try to provide a child with information and skills to help them learn how to do something but then step back *before* they have mastered it all the way. Part of this is because I know that I will never actually feel comfortable allowing my children independence; I will always want to supervise them through it one more time. So I have to work against that.
The other part is that allowing them to finish up on their own, so to speak, helps them build resourcefulness, resilience, and self-awareness. I'm thinking of crossing streets, for example. You teach them how to do it and do it with them several times before you let them do it alone, but in some ways they won't really internalize how to take care of themselves until they have to do it completely alone, or -- and I shiver to say this -- until they are alone and see a driver zip past them over the crosswalk and through a red light.
That is the hard part for parents! But I think that with many such things, mastery comes after independence, not before.
This is a really insightful thing. I think about how much practice I had driving- But it’s not until you’re alone behind the wheel that the real learning happens, because no one is there to tell you to slow down to watch out. So I think this is such a helpful nuanced point- that maybe you don’t need to take them to the point of mastery but actually let them get there on their own.
I wonder too if some depends on the child’s personality- some kids tend towards over confidence and think they are ready before they are, and some tend towards under-confidence and never consider themselves ready. So there’s probably room for adjusting how much accompaniment they receive based on their natural inclinations/ dispositions, too.
That is a great point. Perhaps Montessori's emphasis on the importance of a teacher's observing children and reflecting on what he/she sees is instructive here; it is useful to observe the particular child and adjust as needed. As we know, exercises in independence can be powerful against childhood anxiety, so catching that point where a child is just prepared enough can be really fruitful with an anxious child. A reckless, overconfident child, however, might need stricter boundaries.
On the other hand, I wonder...maybe a reckless child needs to encounter risk with fewer boundaries in order to really learn that he must look out? I'm not sure. I'd have to think this through more.
Are you planning to write any more about these topics? I think a piece talking about this as an antidote to anxiety (amongst other things) would be a great thing for many parents to read. And you could include some practical things like: age 7 generally can do basic hammer and nail tasks…
You’ve answered the biggest conundrum I had with The Anxious Generation! I’m on board with the philosophy and research, but felt intimidated by the how (and still honestly, do). But the image of the compass, the fulfillment of rightly oriented children, is very inspiring. Thank you!
Oh, thank you, Rosalind! I think the how is intimidating for most (all?) of us. In ages past, it would have happened naturally, because it was the way of things. But now we have to deliberately figure out how to get our kids these experiences, sometimes in the face of social or cultural opposition. It's hard to discern these things when you don't have models all around you!
I would also recommend Tim Carney's book "Family Unfriendly," which is very practical, although some of it is practical on the "meta" level. Also Lenore Skenazy's Let Grow website -- especially her Let Grow Project, which is a great way to start.
I’d like to add just a tidbit of advice that seems surprising to almost everyone I know. And that is, as soon as your kids can write their address and other basic information, have them begin filling out any forms that pertains to them. Our children were home-schooled until high school at which time they enrolled in a hybrid Christian school. I started to fill out their enrollment forms when it dawned on me that this was really a job for them! From then on, our oldest son began filling out all of his own business forms and would subsequently help his younger sister and brother with theirs. Seems insignificant but that young man is now a senior at GA Tech in Aerospace Engineering on full academic scholarship. He has worked hard physical jobs since he was a young teen and has paid for every penny of his college living expenses himself as well as handling all of the details of his living situations. He’s the most driven and organized young person I’ve ever seen. Perhaps I flatter myself (nah, I really just HATE paperwork), but I believe it all started with that first form I made him complete for himself!
Thank you and absolutely they can do all of that stuff! I remember telling my two oldest when they were maybe 4 and 5 (picture the MOST precious tiny little Asian-born children) that they should go back up the counter at Chipotle to get the extra guac they wanted. But rather than the adults in line making them patiently wait their turn, they brought them to the front of the line! Oh well, cuteness has it privileges I guess! 😩😝😝😝
How do you do it Dixie? I have not even had time to get to your last piece yet...Just about to publish a post we've been working on, after which I can breathe again and take time to catch up on my reading. Will share my thoughts then :)
It's the editors! They have this way of deciding to publish my pieces close together, or even on the same day. (I mean, of course, they don't do this on purpose!) Sigh...and then I make plans to delay sending them out via the Hollow so that there's space between them, but then when the time comes, I just can't help myself!
Nothing scheduled so far for next week!
Editing schedules can feel very random for the writer! It's hard when there are so many pieces being juggled - but also awesome that there's so much good writing out there from you!
Second this! :) I find myself having to play catch up! But it's delightful to have good reading to look forward to.
Sorry, guys!
Lot of wisdom here, Dixie! I appreciate the nuance and examples you gave. Sometimes it feels like the parenting advice we're given doesn't encourage graduated stages very well. Everything is all or nothing. I like the idea of "first (or multiple) exposure" where kids learn things alongside of parents and then try it on their own--like the example you gave of the girl using hand tools after first being guided by her parents. When my daughter was 7, after walking her through the library book return a couple of times, I asked her to try it on her own. It somehow resulted in a book getting lost (between the van where I sat and the book return outside the library, just out of my line of sight), but she was so proud of herself afterwards. Now, she regularly takes her books back inside and gives the librarian her card to check the books and they chat a little.
We've also expanded her bike riding range. It's still in our broader neighborhood, but out of sight of our house and earshot. Most of the streets do not have sidewalks. I didn't grow up with any boundaries on where I could bike--my parents never said and I never asked. It meant I ranged a bit farther than what was wise (looking back) and ended up in some very sketch situations that could have very easily gone sideways quickly. While I know we can learn from those situations, I'm trying to strike a balance now. We're learning. I have found out she's a lot more capable than I often allow her to be. :)
(Also, complete rabbit trail: my brain keeps wanting to call you D.D. and I finally figured out why. In high school, I had a friend named DeeDee who looks so much like you, only her curls were blond, not auburn.)
Great examples, Abigail. Once they know how to do something like take the books into the library to return, then they can also try something like taking a prepaid (or with cash to pay) package into the post office. Similar skills, but a different setting. Once they're familiar with the basics, they can start learning to apply common sense to different situations!
Re: rabbit trail -- that's so funny! Probably doesn't help that my first two initials are D.D.!
Yes--my husband just suggested we send her in to the post office to buy some stamps. That's a good idea.
Loved this read! As you know, I wrote about this recently too and there was robust discussion in the comments regarding how this plays out. Such an important topic!
I also loved how you brought in Hold On to Your Kids (best "parenting" book ever). I've also encountered the idea that attachment and independence are at odds, and you laid out beautifully how that isn't true.
Thank you, Amber! I loved your piece on the topic, as you know, and I'm really glad to see these things being discussed increasingly widely. It's kind of a hard thing to discuss publicly because, of course, one always wants to respect family privacy. But it's something that relates to public life, as well, including infrastructure and policy and just overall social expectations!
And I agree about that book -- best "parenting" book ever, in part because it is applicable to so many different parenting styles!
I am in the process of "building up" to a lot of independence/free range milestones with my kids, namely biking and walking to school alone. The process is always the same. First, we do it together a few times, and we call it "practice." We tell them we are working towards their ability to do this alone. After some practice, I hang back a ways and say, "Pretend I'm not here. Show me that you know the route, that you will stop at stop signs, ride at a safe speed, etc." During the weeks between these steps we talk about it; what would you do if someone offered you a ride home, even someone you knew? What would you do if your bike chain came off? What would you say if someone asked you where your parents are? When we feel they are ready, I'll still probably walk them down the hill and across the busiest street on the way there for a few trips. The gradual process is good for them and for me, and I think it also encourages them to show they can do it because they know I'm looking for signs that they can. I am rooting for their independence!
When it comes to fear and anxiety, as an engineer I think a lot about the odds. The likelihood that my children will have any negative interaction on the 0.6 mile ride through a residential neighborhood between home and school with a stranger is quite small. The odds that they will enjoy a 10 minute bike ride in a familiar setting are high, and the odds that doing this regularly will encourage independence and good judgement are also high. I try to remember this.
That being said . . . I have considered buying a set of high quality walkie talkies for them to take along in a year or so when I let them go play basketball in the local park, in order to pre-empt any misplaced concern by other parents, adults, or even (heaven forbid) the police. The modern expectation that you are always able to communicate with your children weighs on me, even if I think it is misguided.
Sounds like you are doing great things for your kids, Amy.
Yes, my husband reminds me that the risks of *not* letting the kids do things like this are actually *greater* than the risks of letting them. We are so focused on physical safety that it is hard to stand strongly in the idea that, for example, children need to jump off of (relatively low) walls in order for their bones and balance to grow strong. Not allowing them to jump so that they will not break a bone is actually something that can lead to brittle bones. Whereas the chance of them breaking a bone from a three-foot jump is really quite low...
I do send a dumbphone with my kids when they are going far afield, mainly because there are no payphones available. When I was a kid, my parents made sure I had quarters or a phone card to use to call home if I needed to; these days, we don't have that option.
I love your practical ideas, Dixie — I feel so encouraged! My kids are not quite old enough to be completely independent yet (3 and almost 1 year old) but I’m keeping this in my back pocket for the future, and using it as a prompt to think about what little things my 3 year old *can* do on his own. I’m really glad other parents are thinking about this topic as I’ve noticed fear & worry from parents (or grandparents) holding kids back.
Thank you, Rachel! Yes, you're doing the wonderful ground work now for later independence. Interdependence is just as important as independence! But yes, the latter is often avoided out of parental fear.
I remember that my eldest really started to learn to play a little bit independently when she was two and I was pregnant with her younger sibling and feeling quite sick. Turns out she could really have a lot of fun playing with magnetic tiles by herself on the floor while I lay on the couch! They do take these little steps, often naturally, over time...the thing is to expect them and remember that children are always changing. What he or she couldn't do six months ago might be quite a different story now!
Great piece! I loved this point, "Free-range parenting is thus actually the fulfillment of attachment theory." Now that my oldest is almost a teenager, I see this playing out and giving her freedom feels like a natural next step, because I have confidence in her "inner compass."
One of the great places I have found to give the kids "independence practice" is at our church. We have a several buildings on the parish campus, and go to many events at church and the parish hall. It's a great place to let the kids run around and play with their friends, with minimal supervision required. And there's lots of known and trusted adults around too.
That's wonderful, Angela!
Dixie, I'm blown away by how much wisdom you've managed to pack into one piece (again!) I'll be sharing this with lots of friends who are parenting. There were so many great points, but I really appreciated that you pointed out how possible it is to baby-step your kids towards independence. It's really obvious but I think some parents just get overwhelmed at the idea of their kids suddenly doing x (cooking a meal, walking to a shop) and forget that you can actually teach them this over time! It doesn't have to be zero to sixty in one day.
To me it pairs nicely with a Montessori-esque approach to early childhood: appreciating that the child is capable; show them the work and then let them practice until they and you both feel that they have mastered it confidently. I would love to know if anyone has done any studies about whether kids who are in a Montessori-esque (so called b/c it isn't copyrighted and can vary widely) environment end up being a bit more free-range/ independent.
Thanks, Kerri! I agree that Montessori has a wonderful focus on children's capability and on allowing children to try things. I would be curious about such a study, too, especially as relates to adolescents who ahve been in a Montessori farm school environment.
My personal style leans more toward allowing children to discover how things work, but I don't lean all the way in that direction, so to speak -- trying not to topple over! I try to provide a child with information and skills to help them learn how to do something but then step back *before* they have mastered it all the way. Part of this is because I know that I will never actually feel comfortable allowing my children independence; I will always want to supervise them through it one more time. So I have to work against that.
The other part is that allowing them to finish up on their own, so to speak, helps them build resourcefulness, resilience, and self-awareness. I'm thinking of crossing streets, for example. You teach them how to do it and do it with them several times before you let them do it alone, but in some ways they won't really internalize how to take care of themselves until they have to do it completely alone, or -- and I shiver to say this -- until they are alone and see a driver zip past them over the crosswalk and through a red light.
That is the hard part for parents! But I think that with many such things, mastery comes after independence, not before.
Scary.
What are your thoughts?
This is a really insightful thing. I think about how much practice I had driving- But it’s not until you’re alone behind the wheel that the real learning happens, because no one is there to tell you to slow down to watch out. So I think this is such a helpful nuanced point- that maybe you don’t need to take them to the point of mastery but actually let them get there on their own.
I wonder too if some depends on the child’s personality- some kids tend towards over confidence and think they are ready before they are, and some tend towards under-confidence and never consider themselves ready. So there’s probably room for adjusting how much accompaniment they receive based on their natural inclinations/ dispositions, too.
That is a great point. Perhaps Montessori's emphasis on the importance of a teacher's observing children and reflecting on what he/she sees is instructive here; it is useful to observe the particular child and adjust as needed. As we know, exercises in independence can be powerful against childhood anxiety, so catching that point where a child is just prepared enough can be really fruitful with an anxious child. A reckless, overconfident child, however, might need stricter boundaries.
On the other hand, I wonder...maybe a reckless child needs to encounter risk with fewer boundaries in order to really learn that he must look out? I'm not sure. I'd have to think this through more.
Are you planning to write any more about these topics? I think a piece talking about this as an antidote to anxiety (amongst other things) would be a great thing for many parents to read. And you could include some practical things like: age 7 generally can do basic hammer and nail tasks…
Sounds like a great idea! I'll have to think it through.
Also, Kerri, did you see Alex Davis's piece on resilience and risk at PD a couple of days before mine? https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2024/05/94953/
Oh no I didn't - thanks for sharing!
You’ve answered the biggest conundrum I had with The Anxious Generation! I’m on board with the philosophy and research, but felt intimidated by the how (and still honestly, do). But the image of the compass, the fulfillment of rightly oriented children, is very inspiring. Thank you!
Oh, thank you, Rosalind! I think the how is intimidating for most (all?) of us. In ages past, it would have happened naturally, because it was the way of things. But now we have to deliberately figure out how to get our kids these experiences, sometimes in the face of social or cultural opposition. It's hard to discern these things when you don't have models all around you!
I would also recommend Tim Carney's book "Family Unfriendly," which is very practical, although some of it is practical on the "meta" level. Also Lenore Skenazy's Let Grow website -- especially her Let Grow Project, which is a great way to start.
I’d like to add just a tidbit of advice that seems surprising to almost everyone I know. And that is, as soon as your kids can write their address and other basic information, have them begin filling out any forms that pertains to them. Our children were home-schooled until high school at which time they enrolled in a hybrid Christian school. I started to fill out their enrollment forms when it dawned on me that this was really a job for them! From then on, our oldest son began filling out all of his own business forms and would subsequently help his younger sister and brother with theirs. Seems insignificant but that young man is now a senior at GA Tech in Aerospace Engineering on full academic scholarship. He has worked hard physical jobs since he was a young teen and has paid for every penny of his college living expenses himself as well as handling all of the details of his living situations. He’s the most driven and organized young person I’ve ever seen. Perhaps I flatter myself (nah, I really just HATE paperwork), but I believe it all started with that first form I made him complete for himself!
That's a super idea, Ellen! Kids can also learn to call and make their own appointments, etc.
Thank you and absolutely they can do all of that stuff! I remember telling my two oldest when they were maybe 4 and 5 (picture the MOST precious tiny little Asian-born children) that they should go back up the counter at Chipotle to get the extra guac they wanted. But rather than the adults in line making them patiently wait their turn, they brought them to the front of the line! Oh well, cuteness has it privileges I guess! 😩😝😝😝