We have no one in diapers now in our house...it's kind of surreal after so many years of babies. I don't know what God has yet in store for us, but it's just shocking to see a time like this actually arrive and see ten years of diapers behind us suddenly looking like a flash in the pan.
This is so relatable - thank you! I’m getting my first tiny glimpse of life beyond the New Mom stage, and it amazes me sometimes how little my toddler’s public meltdowns bother me now compared to when I was parenting my first toddler. There are still days I get frustrated, but it’s now much easier to shrug and take the craziness as it comes.
I was hauling a screaming child out of the dentist the other day (a place he normally loves as attention + toy = fun) and was quite bothered by it. It surprised me because it’s been so long since I was bugged by a kid meltdown. They just aren’t as frequent or bothersome after one’s been around the block for a bit! I’m glad you’re finding your stride too; it’s so mentally refreshing!
The best advice I ever got from my mom mentor was, "If they're old enough to do it, they're old enough to start learning when not to do it." There are a few obvious biological exceptions to this, but in general it was SO HELPFUL to me because the words "start learning" framed the teaching of toddlers and even babies as a process that should begin early, not "when they are old enough to understand." Baby pulls your hair? Say "Ow!" with an exaggerated frown and show him what gentle touch looks like, then praise him when he is gentle. Toddler using her spoon as a catapult for peas? Take away the spoon and the peas and say "No, these are for eating." Give her a short break and then try again. Are you going to have to repeat these actions hourly/daily? You betcha. But it is amazing how fast they learn!
"Start learning" is a great way to think about it. It takes time and parental wisdom and discernment! You can follow your child's cues as to when they may be ready; thinking of it as a process rather than a sudden change (either in ability or in learning) is so helpful.
So true. And having a plan for anticipated challenges helps tremendously too. Each child brings a new arsenal of tools to the parenting toolbox that we can use for the subsequent children :)
This is a helpful re-frame! Just as children should socialize with a variety of ages, mothers should interact with others in a variety of life stages (including mothers further down the road). This can get logistically tricky --- and is probably one reason why young moms stick together, no one is in school! baby/toddler naps line up! --- but it's SO NEEDED to have someone beyond your current stage. Moms in the little stage (speaking for myself, 3 under 4) are oftentimes living in the urgent now of needs and emotions!
And I love the term "Parenting Puberty". I was recently going through old photos for the purpose of some digital organization, and saw myself as a new, first time mom - it almost felt like she was a different woman (and I'm not even that far into this!) I'm glad we can grow up along with our roles and children.
Logistics are a problem. I do find that too. It’s one area where social media and texting a friend (who can chat in peace with bunches of littles?!) can be helpful.
I think this is part of why I was so excited when I learned about the term “matrescence”…We assume that because mothering (and parenting) is “natural” that we should know how to do it. But then I watch my children go through any number of natural stages of development…You know how often a kid falls over when they learn to walk?! 😆 A decade in and I would say that I’m on the other side of the Dunning Kruger curve. I actually know a lot more, but am painfully aware of the fact that all of my children are different and I will be making it up as I go and praying for wisdom for… well, all time.
My friend just texted me after reading my essay about homeschooling while sick saying she still struggles in her late 60's with pulling back and relying on God...motherhood is a lifelong learning experience, I think.
Yes! I think one of the things that's given me the most perspective on this stage is being friends with my mother in law. My husband is the oldest of ten, so his youngest brother is only 4 1/2 years older than our oldest. We lived with them for a few months and we'd both come out to the kitchen in the morning bleary eyed and exhausted, but for totally different reasons. I'd been up with a newborn, she'd been kept up late talking to a college kid home for the summer. I was dealing with postpartum hormones and she with menopause. I guess what I'm coming to realize is that parenting doesn't get any easier, in fact it may get harder, it just changes. It seems that the demands on your heart may grow, even as you gain back physical freedom? I don't know. These early years are unrelenting in the physical demands, but they are simple in a way.
My husband reminds me frequently that "children are always changing." It's amazing to see it over time, though, isn't it? And to see the demands change. Suddenly you find yourself having to talk over the evils of the world with a rational, deeply thoughtful child, and it's a whole different ballgame. I do think that there are probably periods of motherhood that are easier or harder for certain people, too -- I think having babies was extra hard on me because I have had hyperemesis gravidarum and very difficult postpartums with each of my four. So while I am experiencing my current stage as easier, it's also just potentially that I'm dealing now with problems that are more in my particular wheelhouse.
As my eldest approaches (only a few months away) the age I was when my mother died, I can tell that new challenges are approaching because of that echo of my own past. I guess moms are always changing, too!
Oh, this is lovely because it is so true. I try to tell new moms what is probably the most annoying advice they've ever heard, "Give yourself five years to figure out what kind of mom you want to be." I know I changed so much in the first years of motherhood, and I still don't have much figured out, so giving new moms a lot of grace has gotten easier for me.
Yes! I was nodding so hard as I read! It seems to me that one reason this so easily happens is our culture’s ignorance and devaluing of care work. No one new to any profession would expect themselves to be as good as an experienced person, but because we don’t see, or understand parenting and care work as the skilled work that it is, new parents expect themselves to be competent right away. If we valued the work of parents, I don’t think this dynamic would be so pervasive.
That is SUCH a good point. We need to better honor the reality that caring for children involves skill, and that skill takes time and experience to build!
Yes. It’s like, people think SAHMs do housework all day (as opposed to care for their children, which is *actually* what they’re doing all day). People genuinely have no idea what caring for young children entails. We are so removed I’m American culture from the most meaningful work one can do. It’s sad.
Agreed. Dads who are doing hands-on childcare, too, whether it's full-time or whenever they are home. It's all hands on deck in love and service of the family! It's hard work, self-sacrifice, growth, and so much joy.
Right! Those first months/first year are so tender and also such a huge learning curve as we become moms. God bless all those who for whatever reason have to leave their babies early to go back to a job, but it oftentimes seems downright cruel to do in that tender time. Learning to care well, getting to know what works, gaining skills, it all takes time - most especially for the one becoming a mother!
So true! I think Dads also have their own growth period -- but it's different and in some ways happens at different stages. I love that Kate addresses both moms and dads here. I'd love to see more writing about it.
“[Experienced Dads and Moms] are the adults of the parenting world not because they have all the answers or a perfect solution to every problem, but rather because they have become comfortable living in the constant state of change that is family life.” So true! I’m so grateful that my husband and I have lived through over fifteen years of parenthood. We’re still relative newbies at the teenage years, but since we survived the many littles stage (oh, the Cheerio crush on the church blouse and the bleary eyes), I know we will learn through this, too. In other words, if we grew through parenting puberty, we will grow through parenting perimenopause, too--learning to let go of the young years in anticipation of further transition and blessings. So far, the teenage years have been hard and amazing both.
This is where I am, too -- heading into the teen years and realizing I'm in a new stage of parenting, when I never really believed that would ever happen. (I knew it would, of course, but just couldn't fathom it.) And there are more stages to come, too! It's all really amazing. Really a gift.
It was a good reminder to me not to allow frustration to define these times which pass so quickly. Trite though it may be to say.
We have no one in diapers now in our house...it's kind of surreal after so many years of babies. I don't know what God has yet in store for us, but it's just shocking to see a time like this actually arrive and see ten years of diapers behind us suddenly looking like a flash in the pan.
It’s like riding a bike - I’m sure it’d come right back to you!
This is so relatable - thank you! I’m getting my first tiny glimpse of life beyond the New Mom stage, and it amazes me sometimes how little my toddler’s public meltdowns bother me now compared to when I was parenting my first toddler. There are still days I get frustrated, but it’s now much easier to shrug and take the craziness as it comes.
You've built up your mom muscles a bit! It's amazing how we grow as they grow.
I was hauling a screaming child out of the dentist the other day (a place he normally loves as attention + toy = fun) and was quite bothered by it. It surprised me because it’s been so long since I was bugged by a kid meltdown. They just aren’t as frequent or bothersome after one’s been around the block for a bit! I’m glad you’re finding your stride too; it’s so mentally refreshing!
The best advice I ever got from my mom mentor was, "If they're old enough to do it, they're old enough to start learning when not to do it." There are a few obvious biological exceptions to this, but in general it was SO HELPFUL to me because the words "start learning" framed the teaching of toddlers and even babies as a process that should begin early, not "when they are old enough to understand." Baby pulls your hair? Say "Ow!" with an exaggerated frown and show him what gentle touch looks like, then praise him when he is gentle. Toddler using her spoon as a catapult for peas? Take away the spoon and the peas and say "No, these are for eating." Give her a short break and then try again. Are you going to have to repeat these actions hourly/daily? You betcha. But it is amazing how fast they learn!
"Start learning" is a great way to think about it. It takes time and parental wisdom and discernment! You can follow your child's cues as to when they may be ready; thinking of it as a process rather than a sudden change (either in ability or in learning) is so helpful.
So true. And having a plan for anticipated challenges helps tremendously too. Each child brings a new arsenal of tools to the parenting toolbox that we can use for the subsequent children :)
This is a helpful re-frame! Just as children should socialize with a variety of ages, mothers should interact with others in a variety of life stages (including mothers further down the road). This can get logistically tricky --- and is probably one reason why young moms stick together, no one is in school! baby/toddler naps line up! --- but it's SO NEEDED to have someone beyond your current stage. Moms in the little stage (speaking for myself, 3 under 4) are oftentimes living in the urgent now of needs and emotions!
And I love the term "Parenting Puberty". I was recently going through old photos for the purpose of some digital organization, and saw myself as a new, first time mom - it almost felt like she was a different woman (and I'm not even that far into this!) I'm glad we can grow up along with our roles and children.
Logistics are a problem. I do find that too. It’s one area where social media and texting a friend (who can chat in peace with bunches of littles?!) can be helpful.
Yes, I have had trouble finding mentor older moms...but Kate's essay reminded me that my own timidity is part of what creates this problem.
I think this is part of why I was so excited when I learned about the term “matrescence”…We assume that because mothering (and parenting) is “natural” that we should know how to do it. But then I watch my children go through any number of natural stages of development…You know how often a kid falls over when they learn to walk?! 😆 A decade in and I would say that I’m on the other side of the Dunning Kruger curve. I actually know a lot more, but am painfully aware of the fact that all of my children are different and I will be making it up as I go and praying for wisdom for… well, all time.
Ah, the poor oldest children. Guinea pigs all of them! Good thing they’re so nice to us as we figure things out! :)
My friend just texted me after reading my essay about homeschooling while sick saying she still struggles in her late 60's with pulling back and relying on God...motherhood is a lifelong learning experience, I think.
Yes! I think one of the things that's given me the most perspective on this stage is being friends with my mother in law. My husband is the oldest of ten, so his youngest brother is only 4 1/2 years older than our oldest. We lived with them for a few months and we'd both come out to the kitchen in the morning bleary eyed and exhausted, but for totally different reasons. I'd been up with a newborn, she'd been kept up late talking to a college kid home for the summer. I was dealing with postpartum hormones and she with menopause. I guess what I'm coming to realize is that parenting doesn't get any easier, in fact it may get harder, it just changes. It seems that the demands on your heart may grow, even as you gain back physical freedom? I don't know. These early years are unrelenting in the physical demands, but they are simple in a way.
I’ve had similar experiences with my own mother as well due to siblings much younger than myself. It is certainly eye-opening!
My husband reminds me frequently that "children are always changing." It's amazing to see it over time, though, isn't it? And to see the demands change. Suddenly you find yourself having to talk over the evils of the world with a rational, deeply thoughtful child, and it's a whole different ballgame. I do think that there are probably periods of motherhood that are easier or harder for certain people, too -- I think having babies was extra hard on me because I have had hyperemesis gravidarum and very difficult postpartums with each of my four. So while I am experiencing my current stage as easier, it's also just potentially that I'm dealing now with problems that are more in my particular wheelhouse.
As my eldest approaches (only a few months away) the age I was when my mother died, I can tell that new challenges are approaching because of that echo of my own past. I guess moms are always changing, too!
Matrescence🙌🏼🙌🏼
Oh, this is lovely because it is so true. I try to tell new moms what is probably the most annoying advice they've ever heard, "Give yourself five years to figure out what kind of mom you want to be." I know I changed so much in the first years of motherhood, and I still don't have much figured out, so giving new moms a lot of grace has gotten easier for me.
Won't it be neat to look at ourselves in ten years and offer ourselves retroactive grace for the struggles we're going through now?
Yes! I was nodding so hard as I read! It seems to me that one reason this so easily happens is our culture’s ignorance and devaluing of care work. No one new to any profession would expect themselves to be as good as an experienced person, but because we don’t see, or understand parenting and care work as the skilled work that it is, new parents expect themselves to be competent right away. If we valued the work of parents, I don’t think this dynamic would be so pervasive.
That is SUCH a good point. We need to better honor the reality that caring for children involves skill, and that skill takes time and experience to build!
Yes. It’s like, people think SAHMs do housework all day (as opposed to care for their children, which is *actually* what they’re doing all day). People genuinely have no idea what caring for young children entails. We are so removed I’m American culture from the most meaningful work one can do. It’s sad.
Agreed. Dads who are doing hands-on childcare, too, whether it's full-time or whenever they are home. It's all hands on deck in love and service of the family! It's hard work, self-sacrifice, growth, and so much joy.
Right! Those first months/first year are so tender and also such a huge learning curve as we become moms. God bless all those who for whatever reason have to leave their babies early to go back to a job, but it oftentimes seems downright cruel to do in that tender time. Learning to care well, getting to know what works, gaining skills, it all takes time - most especially for the one becoming a mother!
So true! I think Dads also have their own growth period -- but it's different and in some ways happens at different stages. I love that Kate addresses both moms and dads here. I'd love to see more writing about it.
For sure! It's different in many ways but just as much a reality: becoming a dad and learning to grow into that role.
Jakob has joked that the boys have all seemingly cared about him more when they've weaned off of nursing with me..... and he's not wrong. haha
I agree but I also think that men don't tend to compare or be as hard on themselves with regard to parenting.
I think that's probably true.
Parenting puberty!! Ah, what a wonderful term. I feel so seen.
Kate has a lot of wisdom!
“[Experienced Dads and Moms] are the adults of the parenting world not because they have all the answers or a perfect solution to every problem, but rather because they have become comfortable living in the constant state of change that is family life.” So true! I’m so grateful that my husband and I have lived through over fifteen years of parenthood. We’re still relative newbies at the teenage years, but since we survived the many littles stage (oh, the Cheerio crush on the church blouse and the bleary eyes), I know we will learn through this, too. In other words, if we grew through parenting puberty, we will grow through parenting perimenopause, too--learning to let go of the young years in anticipation of further transition and blessings. So far, the teenage years have been hard and amazing both.
Thanks for your wise words, Kate!
This is where I am, too -- heading into the teen years and realizing I'm in a new stage of parenting, when I never really believed that would ever happen. (I knew it would, of course, but just couldn't fathom it.) And there are more stages to come, too! It's all really amazing. Really a gift.