Thanks so much for the mention Dixie! Haha, little did I know that the "www" joke would make it into the Current:) Thanks so much for this honest piece which resonated a lot:"It’s good for me to have some public accountability. Even if nobody online sees me lurking, my children and husband know I do it." The same goes for me. It has been challenging to keep all my computer activity early in the morning, but it has been a very helpful aspiration, leaving me much more free (mentally and time-wise) for the rest of the day. Still figuring out how to combine this rule with writing...Thanks again for all your wonderful work!
Thank you, Ruth! Sally Clarkson writes often in her books and on her blog about how she is a person of high ideals, but that these ideals are essentially aspirational: they help her do better than she otherwise would do, even though she often falls short. That was a profound insight to me: that having ideals isn't about expecting perfection. As Leila Lawler wrote in a blog post about real life with little kids once, "Without in any way abandoning your glorious vision, expect daily wiggliness, naughtiness, and chaos" or something to that effect.
Without relaxing your glorious vision, do not be discouraged by actually living in reality!
This is a really different way of thinking of ideals and aspirations than much of the achievement-oriented goal-setting approaches out there.
Should I expect to reach a goal of perfection? No.
Is aiming toward an ideal a good way of growing? Yes!
I mean, I resolve every day not to sin, yet I still do. I know I will, and the good Lord knows I will. But He still wants me to try, and every day I do a little better than I would if I just gave up in the face of my human imperfection!
"But the perfectionist can experience some freedom by realizing that something can be done well enough, done well, and even done excellently, without being 'perfect' in the way God is perfect. (Because nothing on earth is!)" Exactly.
I often frame this in my own mind as "good is good enough." It is good to be ordinary -- not mediocre, vulgar, etc. -- but ordinary in the trying-to-be-good-but-not-thinking-I-have-to-be-more-than-human. It is enough. Our value is not based on our performance, but on our being loved by God, and we are called only to love (which is hard enough).
Yes! And the funny thing I've noticed is that the perfectionist's version of "good enough" is usually really good, compared to the non-perfectionist's/ average version of the same!
First, the cat caption! It made me laugh so much. We've got a black cat whom we've trained to never sit on the keyboard (or anywhere, except his cat bed), but he still occasionally wants to test that boundary.
I loved how you were honest about how it's going, and about your 'failures' and temptations that occasion them. It reminded me of Aristotle saying that virtue lies in the mean, but you've got to know what extreme you're starting from, and then aim at the other, if you want to end up in the middle. (People who struggle with opposite temptations will have to aim at caring more, for example.) It's so valuable that you share where you're starting from, because it then reads a like a relatable experiment and not a Sermon on the Mount about How to Do Tech Resistance.
(When people don't share where they're coming from, it honestly drives me nuts. Like when AirBNB reviews claim that the bed was the most comfortable in the world... well, do you like soft mattresses or firm ones? How can I possibly know if it's going to be comfortable for me otherwise?!) (Sorry for the only mildly related rant, lol, but hopefully it helps make the point!)
Aristotle -- such wisdom. Yes, this is where individual self-knowledge and discernment comes in. My saying I idolize self-control may sound absurd to some people, when lack of self-control is such an obvious problem in so many ways! But it's true for me, and is for others, also! So I often need to loosen up, while still aspiring to right living. But others need to be tougher on themselves. So your own context definitely matters to the meaning of what you are saying, and you are quite right -- without that context, quasi-sermons or even Air BNB reviews can be misleading, misunderstood, or even harmful.
People need to write, "I like firm beds, and this was a very comfortable bed for me!"
Oh, this made me laugh. Which I needed this morning. :) Thank you.
I agree with your assessment, and as I, too, fall prey to scrupulosity, I'm just aiming to intentionally engage with my family over the weekends, which usually ends up with a lot less computer time.
And during the week if I notice I'm just aimlessly web surfing, I immediate get off. There's always housework to do or a kid to check on. lol.
Good for you, Abigail. It has helped me to have a plan already in mind each day for what I will do if I become aware that I'm on the computer when it is doing me know good or if I am tempted to go to it for no good reason. Often it's something like "I will just go change the laundry" or "I will step outside for a moment." It can really help get me through that temptation or break the hold of that session on the computer.
It's especially hard with a thing like tech, because part of the message I say to myself is, "well, getting off at all is a good thing, so really, I've been doing so good, and look at me not being on the internet 24 hours a day..." In other words, it's easy for me to come up with excuses. But it is good to make it a livable goal as well.
Yes, I hear you on that. I think some of it is about your personality -- do you tend to let yourself of the hook, or do you tend to beat yourself up? I'm an overachieving beat-myself-upper, so I need to focus on not obsessing. But that said, it is amazing how quickly I can flip from "I need to be humble and admit that I often fail at staying off the computer" to "I haven't been on the computer in 3 hours, I'm amazing and such a good person." Clearly, ol' Screwtape is happy to work with whatever I give him! He's not picky.
Haha! You crack me up. It was a local public library controversy that led to some real uncharity. But it's mostly resolved now and not worth rehashing publicly, at least. But you have my e-mail address if you want a private rehashing ;)
"Much of my writing is in correction to my nature."
I love that the first two things I came across with your name on them online were 1) your interview with Nadya Williams for Current on what your days look like and 2) your Hearth & Field "Winter Wonder" essay — and after that I was like "Wow this lady is refreshingly fun!" Not that fun and high ideals are incompatible (haha!) but it's been interesting to how the "loosen up" aspects of your writing are a way to perhaps encourage that not only for others, but for yourself.
There are good and right things to aspire to with diligence, but those virtuous middles can be hard! Thanks for navigating some of these ideas in your writing. :)
Well, what's life without a little fun! Thanks for your kind words -- they sure make me happy and encourage me! My mom was really fun, always had a "why not?" kind of attitude when we had some interest or idea or she did, and at my best times I manage to channel that energy.
One time, I was really longing for a horse, and we couldn't have one, of course. So my mom said, "Hey -- what if we build you a life-sized one to play with?" So we got a sawhorse and she shaped chicken wire around it in the shape of a horse, and then we covered that with paper mache and painted it to look like a palomino pony. Because the horse's back was right over the top of the sawhorse, I could sit on it and play cowgirl!
I'm not kidding. Whose mom does that? My amazing mom, that's who!
I'm grateful for your transparency here! I have observed a very similar cycle in my own endeavors: all is going swimmingly, life hits and I make exceptions, the exceptions become normal, I look up and wonder why I feel weird, I recommit... But, as frustrating as it is, I think this is also part of the natural cycle of learning. The stumbling and observing allows us to realize that the changes really do make a difference. I do get frustrated with myself when I use technology to avoid emotions, but at the same time there's some times (for example, when everyone had the stomach flu) that it's silly to beat yourself up about choosing to survive. That being said, I'm realizing that I have never once made it easier for myself to deal with the emotional maelstrom I'm avoiding by turning to technology (at least in any sort of dissociative way -- sometimes calling or texting a friend does help me process). It inevitably muddies the waters and just makes it more confusing when I finally have to deal with the (now displaced) emotion I've been avoiding.
Wisdom. There are times when you need a coping mechanism, but when those times are past, well...you need to deal with the issues.
You know what comes to mind, though? The way that children process grief. It is too overwhelming for them to hold grief constantly in the front of their internal experience in the way that adults will for a period after a loss. Children instead cycle between engaging with the intense feelings of grief and taking breaks from it through play, conversation, tasks, etc. Sometimes people think the children don't care or don't realize, but that's not it. They just take breaks and process over time. They also need to reprocess their grief at each developmental stage.
Doesn't that make such wonderful natural sense? I think adults can learn from this. When we are engaging with something very difficult, any sort of sustained difficult emotion or problem (not something passing), we benefit from taking emotional breaks.
The thing is, the break must be a break. It shouldn't be counterproductive, and it should be nourishing and restorative. But on the other hand, sometimes a coping mechanism serves us for a time and we can honor that without shame.
I've also been thinking about this with body weight lately...maybe there are times when we focus more on physical activity and healthy eating, and maybe there are times when it is truly good to set those aside briefly and focus on something else. Hm. Maybe the cycles are not something to be feared. Maybe it's not Success and Failure. Maybe it's just life. And maybe there is a hidden wisdom to it beyond what we can see.
Bravo for your success. That's quite a challenge to go cold turkey on weekends from the digital existence. Since I've joined Substack, I spend far more time on the laptop than before when mainly Facebook called me away from the non-tech world. I could never go cold turkey because ... well ... I have this need to keep my daily streak on Wordle going. Talk about a silly goal in life. One day of the weekend, though, my husband and I have made a pact to go for a drive. Those drives take us hundreds of miles and the destination is usually some kind of eatery at then end. But it gets us away from our digital devices. We can talk about the new scenery or some little thing spotted along the road. It not only takes us away from our chores for an afternoon, but it pulls us together in an enclosed space where we can connect with each other as well as the world we can see from that perspective.
Love the cat pic and comment. You’re right: cats sit on the keyboard 😂
Clearly a fake cat!!
Yes! Real cats sit on keyboards. At least this lovely creature has that look of: “How can you possibly resist my charms?”
It's like she's saying, in just the sweetest possible way, "Now, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way..."
Thanks so much for the mention Dixie! Haha, little did I know that the "www" joke would make it into the Current:) Thanks so much for this honest piece which resonated a lot:"It’s good for me to have some public accountability. Even if nobody online sees me lurking, my children and husband know I do it." The same goes for me. It has been challenging to keep all my computer activity early in the morning, but it has been a very helpful aspiration, leaving me much more free (mentally and time-wise) for the rest of the day. Still figuring out how to combine this rule with writing...Thanks again for all your wonderful work!
Thank you, Ruth! Sally Clarkson writes often in her books and on her blog about how she is a person of high ideals, but that these ideals are essentially aspirational: they help her do better than she otherwise would do, even though she often falls short. That was a profound insight to me: that having ideals isn't about expecting perfection. As Leila Lawler wrote in a blog post about real life with little kids once, "Without in any way abandoning your glorious vision, expect daily wiggliness, naughtiness, and chaos" or something to that effect.
Without relaxing your glorious vision, do not be discouraged by actually living in reality!
This is a really different way of thinking of ideals and aspirations than much of the achievement-oriented goal-setting approaches out there.
Should I expect to reach a goal of perfection? No.
Is aiming toward an ideal a good way of growing? Yes!
I mean, I resolve every day not to sin, yet I still do. I know I will, and the good Lord knows I will. But He still wants me to try, and every day I do a little better than I would if I just gave up in the face of my human imperfection!
Your thoughts on perfectionism and having ideals reminded me of this post I wrote years ago, trying to get at how we can aim high without letting perfectionism ruin us. https://claritylifeconsulting.com/overcoming-perfectionism/you-can-be-excellent-without-being-a-perfectionist/
Oh, wow. I am looking forward to reading this when things calm down later today!
"But the perfectionist can experience some freedom by realizing that something can be done well enough, done well, and even done excellently, without being 'perfect' in the way God is perfect. (Because nothing on earth is!)" Exactly.
I often frame this in my own mind as "good is good enough." It is good to be ordinary -- not mediocre, vulgar, etc. -- but ordinary in the trying-to-be-good-but-not-thinking-I-have-to-be-more-than-human. It is enough. Our value is not based on our performance, but on our being loved by God, and we are called only to love (which is hard enough).
Yes! And the funny thing I've noticed is that the perfectionist's version of "good enough" is usually really good, compared to the non-perfectionist's/ average version of the same!
First, the cat caption! It made me laugh so much. We've got a black cat whom we've trained to never sit on the keyboard (or anywhere, except his cat bed), but he still occasionally wants to test that boundary.
I loved how you were honest about how it's going, and about your 'failures' and temptations that occasion them. It reminded me of Aristotle saying that virtue lies in the mean, but you've got to know what extreme you're starting from, and then aim at the other, if you want to end up in the middle. (People who struggle with opposite temptations will have to aim at caring more, for example.) It's so valuable that you share where you're starting from, because it then reads a like a relatable experiment and not a Sermon on the Mount about How to Do Tech Resistance.
(When people don't share where they're coming from, it honestly drives me nuts. Like when AirBNB reviews claim that the bed was the most comfortable in the world... well, do you like soft mattresses or firm ones? How can I possibly know if it's going to be comfortable for me otherwise?!) (Sorry for the only mildly related rant, lol, but hopefully it helps make the point!)
Aristotle -- such wisdom. Yes, this is where individual self-knowledge and discernment comes in. My saying I idolize self-control may sound absurd to some people, when lack of self-control is such an obvious problem in so many ways! But it's true for me, and is for others, also! So I often need to loosen up, while still aspiring to right living. But others need to be tougher on themselves. So your own context definitely matters to the meaning of what you are saying, and you are quite right -- without that context, quasi-sermons or even Air BNB reviews can be misleading, misunderstood, or even harmful.
People need to write, "I like firm beds, and this was a very comfortable bed for me!"
Also, cats. Man. I love cats and their determination!
Yes, determination with such sweet faces.
Oh, this made me laugh. Which I needed this morning. :) Thank you.
I agree with your assessment, and as I, too, fall prey to scrupulosity, I'm just aiming to intentionally engage with my family over the weekends, which usually ends up with a lot less computer time.
And during the week if I notice I'm just aimlessly web surfing, I immediate get off. There's always housework to do or a kid to check on. lol.
Good for you, Abigail. It has helped me to have a plan already in mind each day for what I will do if I become aware that I'm on the computer when it is doing me know good or if I am tempted to go to it for no good reason. Often it's something like "I will just go change the laundry" or "I will step outside for a moment." It can really help get me through that temptation or break the hold of that session on the computer.
Exactly!
But now I need to know the local controversy.
It's especially hard with a thing like tech, because part of the message I say to myself is, "well, getting off at all is a good thing, so really, I've been doing so good, and look at me not being on the internet 24 hours a day..." In other words, it's easy for me to come up with excuses. But it is good to make it a livable goal as well.
Yes, I hear you on that. I think some of it is about your personality -- do you tend to let yourself of the hook, or do you tend to beat yourself up? I'm an overachieving beat-myself-upper, so I need to focus on not obsessing. But that said, it is amazing how quickly I can flip from "I need to be humble and admit that I often fail at staying off the computer" to "I haven't been on the computer in 3 hours, I'm amazing and such a good person." Clearly, ol' Screwtape is happy to work with whatever I give him! He's not picky.
Haha! You crack me up. It was a local public library controversy that led to some real uncharity. But it's mostly resolved now and not worth rehashing publicly, at least. But you have my e-mail address if you want a private rehashing ;)
"Much of my writing is in correction to my nature."
I love that the first two things I came across with your name on them online were 1) your interview with Nadya Williams for Current on what your days look like and 2) your Hearth & Field "Winter Wonder" essay — and after that I was like "Wow this lady is refreshingly fun!" Not that fun and high ideals are incompatible (haha!) but it's been interesting to how the "loosen up" aspects of your writing are a way to perhaps encourage that not only for others, but for yourself.
There are good and right things to aspire to with diligence, but those virtuous middles can be hard! Thanks for navigating some of these ideas in your writing. :)
Well, what's life without a little fun! Thanks for your kind words -- they sure make me happy and encourage me! My mom was really fun, always had a "why not?" kind of attitude when we had some interest or idea or she did, and at my best times I manage to channel that energy.
One time, I was really longing for a horse, and we couldn't have one, of course. So my mom said, "Hey -- what if we build you a life-sized one to play with?" So we got a sawhorse and she shaped chicken wire around it in the shape of a horse, and then we covered that with paper mache and painted it to look like a palomino pony. Because the horse's back was right over the top of the sawhorse, I could sit on it and play cowgirl!
I'm not kidding. Whose mom does that? My amazing mom, that's who!
She showed me that you can *do* things. Why not?
AMAZING.
How lucky was I, right?
I'm grateful for your transparency here! I have observed a very similar cycle in my own endeavors: all is going swimmingly, life hits and I make exceptions, the exceptions become normal, I look up and wonder why I feel weird, I recommit... But, as frustrating as it is, I think this is also part of the natural cycle of learning. The stumbling and observing allows us to realize that the changes really do make a difference. I do get frustrated with myself when I use technology to avoid emotions, but at the same time there's some times (for example, when everyone had the stomach flu) that it's silly to beat yourself up about choosing to survive. That being said, I'm realizing that I have never once made it easier for myself to deal with the emotional maelstrom I'm avoiding by turning to technology (at least in any sort of dissociative way -- sometimes calling or texting a friend does help me process). It inevitably muddies the waters and just makes it more confusing when I finally have to deal with the (now displaced) emotion I've been avoiding.
Wisdom. There are times when you need a coping mechanism, but when those times are past, well...you need to deal with the issues.
You know what comes to mind, though? The way that children process grief. It is too overwhelming for them to hold grief constantly in the front of their internal experience in the way that adults will for a period after a loss. Children instead cycle between engaging with the intense feelings of grief and taking breaks from it through play, conversation, tasks, etc. Sometimes people think the children don't care or don't realize, but that's not it. They just take breaks and process over time. They also need to reprocess their grief at each developmental stage.
Doesn't that make such wonderful natural sense? I think adults can learn from this. When we are engaging with something very difficult, any sort of sustained difficult emotion or problem (not something passing), we benefit from taking emotional breaks.
The thing is, the break must be a break. It shouldn't be counterproductive, and it should be nourishing and restorative. But on the other hand, sometimes a coping mechanism serves us for a time and we can honor that without shame.
I've also been thinking about this with body weight lately...maybe there are times when we focus more on physical activity and healthy eating, and maybe there are times when it is truly good to set those aside briefly and focus on something else. Hm. Maybe the cycles are not something to be feared. Maybe it's not Success and Failure. Maybe it's just life. And maybe there is a hidden wisdom to it beyond what we can see.
Bravo for your success. That's quite a challenge to go cold turkey on weekends from the digital existence. Since I've joined Substack, I spend far more time on the laptop than before when mainly Facebook called me away from the non-tech world. I could never go cold turkey because ... well ... I have this need to keep my daily streak on Wordle going. Talk about a silly goal in life. One day of the weekend, though, my husband and I have made a pact to go for a drive. Those drives take us hundreds of miles and the destination is usually some kind of eatery at then end. But it gets us away from our digital devices. We can talk about the new scenery or some little thing spotted along the road. It not only takes us away from our chores for an afternoon, but it pulls us together in an enclosed space where we can connect with each other as well as the world we can see from that perspective.
What a wonderful thing to do -- drive, talk, see new scenery, and then EAT!!
It really livens up our relationship to have that "out there" input.