Excellent piece Dixie! I wonder whether "the other cancel culture" has emerged because of the ease of pressing buttons. We constantly press "hearts" or "likes" to respond to posts and pictures and in turn we want others to press those buttons for us as well. But this takes no thought or effort; it does not require us to even move out of our chair. Thus when real life commitments come up, we press the "like" button, but then realize that there is effort involved in actually showing up. And so we cancel.
The same seems to apply to relationships, which increasingly start, and end, online. It's easy to "hook up", and just as easy to drop someone with a simple text.
I fully agree with you that if our hope is to build strong communities, we will need to match our hearts to our words so that a "yes will indeed mean yes, and our no can peacefully mean no".
What a great insight, Ruth. Yes, if we are in the habit of supporting other people by hitting the like button or leaving an emoji comment then we don't have a lot of practice in giving real (and reciprocal) support.
It’s not just that people cancel more frequently. It’s also that they don’t initiate or invite. I’ve found that I cannot sit around expecting a reciprocal invitation or the etiquette of alternating hosting. I’ve decided that I can no longer treat that as a social cue that the friendship isn’t clicking as one might have in the past. Instead, I simply have to take on the lion’s share of initiation. Without these etiquettes in place it’s harder to understand social cues, and it becomes challenging to sort out if I’m being an annoyance or simply filling in a missing skill.
This is SO true, Emily!! I’ve decided I just have to trust that if someone seems excited to accept an invitation they are, but the lack of reciprocation makes it so hard to know what relationships to invest in sometimes. I wish I could figure out some low-pressure and non-awkward way of just straight out asking if someone wants be friends. 😜Although it does make me extra thankful for friends who are good at initiating too!
Loved this article in general, Dixie! I had not thought about it in this way before!!
I have spent so much time thinking about the reciprocity thing and how some people just don't reciprocate and I still haven't figured it out. It simply can't mean that they just don't want to be friends...not in every case, at least! Perhaps in some cases...but I also think some people have a sort of shyness that they've never figured out a way around. They don't want to make people feel pressured, so they never ask...it can be really complex. But it is *very* hard to read people in these situations.
Another aspect of this is just a lack of social skills. It's easy for me to forget sometimes that not everyone was taught how to do this stuff by their families. I have some people close to me now whose families just didn't socialize when they were growing up, so they had to learn these skills well into adulthood. For those of us who were taught the skills as kids and teach them to our kids, it seems obvious, but it is not to everyone. Surprising as that may seem (to me, at least!).
"They overcommit to a degree that only the most serious commitments end up being fulfilled." I do think overcommitment plays a huge role, and at the same time I think it's easier said than done to just commit to fewer things. So many people are teetering on the brink of burnout just from the non-negotiable stuff--aging parents, growing kids, disabilities, financial *needs*. Other things that look like overcommitment are often, I think, an attempt to shove fun things in around the edges to refill the reservoirs somehow. It's a difficult puzzle to solve.
It absolutely is. It's connected to the overtiredness of our lives and the lack of support systems. We can't just not socialize, so we overcommit, but we really struggle to meet all the needs and so we cancel. Thanks for adding this perspective!
Thanks for the food for thought and discussion! Our family has suffered a lot of disappointment over the years from people canceling plans on us at the last minute (a birthday party where no kids came being the most painful episode) and talking about the problem is definitely the first step in finding ways to ameliorate it.
That is terrible about the birthday party. How awful. Did you click on the link to the skit from "Shawna the Mom" in the piece? It's a whole series of shorts about a kid birthday party where no kids come up. So sad. It turns out the guests were all sick but only one mom (at the very end) bothers to let Shawna know...ouch.
I agree with what you said and what others are saying that over-commitment definitely plays a role here. I was raised that if you committed to doing something, you have to follow through (barring extenuating circumstances), so you ought to be careful what you are signing up for or committing to. Especially for things like sports or clubs with regular meetings.
If you repeatedly flake out of a standing social event (a book club, a monthly wine-and-cheese night, etc.) I think that's a sign that you probably are deluding yourself about what actually matters to you. And that's totally fine! Not everyone actually benefits from arguing about books for two hours every month or going to a poker night or whatever. I do, however, worry that when people flake out of social events all the time that they don't have an alternative for building community and deepening relationships. In some ways it's much easier to schlep kids around to sports practices and piano lessons (and burn out from it) than it is to attend open-ended playdates or outdoor playgroups where you MUST socialize more just due to the nature of the situation. Which is to say, it's easier to overcommit to things that produce something tangible (e.g., advancement in piano skills or winning a tournament) than it is to put vulnerability and work into a relationship with a friend or another family. But where does skipping out on poker night to stay home scrolling on social media ultimately leave us?
Good point, Helena. Especially as the kids get older and can be dropped off at things instead of needing to be accompanied, there's less natural opportunity to see other moms. I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday! When we were younger moms we thought it would be easier to socialize when we were older, but in some ways we have to be even more deliberate about it at this stage! (Although it is *easier*.)
Former flake here! I was pretty bad about following through with my commitments for many of my young adult years until I started dating my wonderfully disciplined husband. I think one of the aspects of flaking comes from self-confidence. I truly didn’t think it made a difference if I showed up or not, and I didn’t consider myself important enough to be missed! While learning to follow through has been a lesson in discipline, it has also been a gift to learn my own self-worth.
I'm glad you have learned yourworth better, Robin! This is a good insight. I do think there is an element of humility or shyness in this sort of thing that sometimes comes through as rudeness or lack of care.
Lots of great comments here! I don’t have much to add except to say that I agree :)
We try to organise “drop by” events where it’s ok for people to flake out if they need, knowing everyone is generally overwhelmed, but this seems to work better for established friendships rather than building new ones.
Excellent piece Dixie! I wonder whether "the other cancel culture" has emerged because of the ease of pressing buttons. We constantly press "hearts" or "likes" to respond to posts and pictures and in turn we want others to press those buttons for us as well. But this takes no thought or effort; it does not require us to even move out of our chair. Thus when real life commitments come up, we press the "like" button, but then realize that there is effort involved in actually showing up. And so we cancel.
The same seems to apply to relationships, which increasingly start, and end, online. It's easy to "hook up", and just as easy to drop someone with a simple text.
I fully agree with you that if our hope is to build strong communities, we will need to match our hearts to our words so that a "yes will indeed mean yes, and our no can peacefully mean no".
For those interested in some practical starting points for forming healthy commitments, see Peco's and my post "High Fidelity: Bringing Back Commitment Culture": https://schooloftheunconformed.substack.com/p/high-fidelity-bringing-back-commitment
What a great insight, Ruth. Yes, if we are in the habit of supporting other people by hitting the like button or leaving an emoji comment then we don't have a lot of practice in giving real (and reciprocal) support.
It’s not just that people cancel more frequently. It’s also that they don’t initiate or invite. I’ve found that I cannot sit around expecting a reciprocal invitation or the etiquette of alternating hosting. I’ve decided that I can no longer treat that as a social cue that the friendship isn’t clicking as one might have in the past. Instead, I simply have to take on the lion’s share of initiation. Without these etiquettes in place it’s harder to understand social cues, and it becomes challenging to sort out if I’m being an annoyance or simply filling in a missing skill.
I agree. There is definitely a problem of reciprocity.
This is SO true, Emily!! I’ve decided I just have to trust that if someone seems excited to accept an invitation they are, but the lack of reciprocation makes it so hard to know what relationships to invest in sometimes. I wish I could figure out some low-pressure and non-awkward way of just straight out asking if someone wants be friends. 😜Although it does make me extra thankful for friends who are good at initiating too!
Loved this article in general, Dixie! I had not thought about it in this way before!!
I'm so glad you like it, Breana!
I have spent so much time thinking about the reciprocity thing and how some people just don't reciprocate and I still haven't figured it out. It simply can't mean that they just don't want to be friends...not in every case, at least! Perhaps in some cases...but I also think some people have a sort of shyness that they've never figured out a way around. They don't want to make people feel pressured, so they never ask...it can be really complex. But it is *very* hard to read people in these situations.
Another aspect of this is just a lack of social skills. It's easy for me to forget sometimes that not everyone was taught how to do this stuff by their families. I have some people close to me now whose families just didn't socialize when they were growing up, so they had to learn these skills well into adulthood. For those of us who were taught the skills as kids and teach them to our kids, it seems obvious, but it is not to everyone. Surprising as that may seem (to me, at least!).
"They overcommit to a degree that only the most serious commitments end up being fulfilled." I do think overcommitment plays a huge role, and at the same time I think it's easier said than done to just commit to fewer things. So many people are teetering on the brink of burnout just from the non-negotiable stuff--aging parents, growing kids, disabilities, financial *needs*. Other things that look like overcommitment are often, I think, an attempt to shove fun things in around the edges to refill the reservoirs somehow. It's a difficult puzzle to solve.
It absolutely is. It's connected to the overtiredness of our lives and the lack of support systems. We can't just not socialize, so we overcommit, but we really struggle to meet all the needs and so we cancel. Thanks for adding this perspective!
Thanks for the food for thought and discussion! Our family has suffered a lot of disappointment over the years from people canceling plans on us at the last minute (a birthday party where no kids came being the most painful episode) and talking about the problem is definitely the first step in finding ways to ameliorate it.
That is terrible about the birthday party. How awful. Did you click on the link to the skit from "Shawna the Mom" in the piece? It's a whole series of shorts about a kid birthday party where no kids come up. So sad. It turns out the guests were all sick but only one mom (at the very end) bothers to let Shawna know...ouch.
I have watched those skits, yes! She does a good job!
I agree with what you said and what others are saying that over-commitment definitely plays a role here. I was raised that if you committed to doing something, you have to follow through (barring extenuating circumstances), so you ought to be careful what you are signing up for or committing to. Especially for things like sports or clubs with regular meetings.
If you repeatedly flake out of a standing social event (a book club, a monthly wine-and-cheese night, etc.) I think that's a sign that you probably are deluding yourself about what actually matters to you. And that's totally fine! Not everyone actually benefits from arguing about books for two hours every month or going to a poker night or whatever. I do, however, worry that when people flake out of social events all the time that they don't have an alternative for building community and deepening relationships. In some ways it's much easier to schlep kids around to sports practices and piano lessons (and burn out from it) than it is to attend open-ended playdates or outdoor playgroups where you MUST socialize more just due to the nature of the situation. Which is to say, it's easier to overcommit to things that produce something tangible (e.g., advancement in piano skills or winning a tournament) than it is to put vulnerability and work into a relationship with a friend or another family. But where does skipping out on poker night to stay home scrolling on social media ultimately leave us?
Good point, Helena. Especially as the kids get older and can be dropped off at things instead of needing to be accompanied, there's less natural opportunity to see other moms. I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday! When we were younger moms we thought it would be easier to socialize when we were older, but in some ways we have to be even more deliberate about it at this stage! (Although it is *easier*.)
*fancy curmudgeonly comment here*
Ha! Not just curmudgeonly, but FANCY!
well, you said you didn't want a plain one. ;)
Former flake here! I was pretty bad about following through with my commitments for many of my young adult years until I started dating my wonderfully disciplined husband. I think one of the aspects of flaking comes from self-confidence. I truly didn’t think it made a difference if I showed up or not, and I didn’t consider myself important enough to be missed! While learning to follow through has been a lesson in discipline, it has also been a gift to learn my own self-worth.
I'm glad you have learned yourworth better, Robin! This is a good insight. I do think there is an element of humility or shyness in this sort of thing that sometimes comes through as rudeness or lack of care.
Lots of great comments here! I don’t have much to add except to say that I agree :)
We try to organise “drop by” events where it’s ok for people to flake out if they need, knowing everyone is generally overwhelmed, but this seems to work better for established friendships rather than building new ones.
Lovely. It's so nice to have no-commitment events, too! That takes the pressure off.