Unfixed Mothering
Children are always changing. What about parents?
Dear friends,
Sometimes parents feel pressure to adopt a strict set of parenting practices, guaranteed by the internet to work with all children. Relatively new parents often feel this temptation particularly strongly. Yet many also know the frustration of discovering that the prescribed, fixed solution actually does not work with their unpredictable, unique, and changing child(ren). Others find that something that works at one point simply does not work at another.
Some parents will even commit themselves deeply to one or another set of parenting practices and choices, treating them nearly dogmatically, only to find themselves banging their heads against the walls ten years later, when “what mothers and fathers should do (or be)” suddenly stops serving their family well.
What gives?
Today at Public Discourse, I speak to this question as regards mothering in particular. A taste:
“[D]emanding and inflexible views of motherhood miss a central reality of family life: that children are always changing, and therefore, mothers should expect change in their own roles and practices over time as well. There is not one fixed and everlasting way for any mother to “get it right,” however much any particular influencer thinks she knows the magic formula. Instead, perhaps the radical rule of mothering ought to be this: mothers should expect our roles and practices to be in regular need of new discernment and to frequently—or at least occasionally—change.”
Read the full essay and then come back to let us know your thoughts:
“Seasons of Motherhood and the Power of Flexibility”
One more thing:
Do you need a reset in 2025, or perhaps even a once-in-a-lifetime adventure? You might consider joining me, Ruth Gaskovski, and
on a Camino Pilgrimage in Spain from June 14-24. Read about the trip here and then download the brochure here to learn more and reserve your spot. We would love for you to join us as we ground ourselves spiritually, historically, and communally through this age-old journey!Have a lovely day!
Dixie
Sorry to double comment but I want to say one other thing.
Children are people, not projects.
Because they are so young they have not yet learned (or gained the skills to) hide their raw selves.
Sleep, as an example.Some adults sleep better than other adults. Some use sound machines or need blackout curtains, some stay up later or have an easier or harder time getting up in the morning. As adults, we generally know our bodies and take steps to do what works for us, and we get up in the morning regardless of whether we want to and work on our responsibilities because we're adults. Children are people too and have different sleep habits and needs that are just how their bodies are, because we're all individuals. But they can't just get over it like adults often can/do. When they're tired, they're grumpy - just like adults, but adults also have the skill and maturity to act polite and be responsible anyway.
Light sleepers and deep sleepers do not need the same thing. They need to be attended to by someone who will learn who they are and attend to their individual needs.
And the same for so many things that adults learn how to hide/live with.
Dixie, this is great. I shared it with some friends and also my moms (of mostly littles) group at church. As you know I got married young (early 20s) and conceived my two miracle babies in my 30s. Waiting so long for kids was never the plan (and something I generally wouldn't encourage for those who have the choice - there is plenty of remaining grief that will not fully heal in this life), but I have found that the greater life experience and maturity I had with my first kid helped me navigate a lot of this. I've found the best resource for parenting advice is friends, especially those who are a step or two ahead of me in parenting. We can bounce around ideas and say "this worked for us, it might be worth a try" or "someone recommended this to me, and it didn't work for us, but you might try it." We all know that not everything works for every family in every season so if a particular recommendation or strategy doesn't work for you, that's s OK. You can gather several ideas and try the ones that seem conducive to your family. And there's nothing quite so encouraging as knowing that your kid's immature behavior is normal and she appropriate - and that it won't last forever.