I’ve thought about this too, that so much conversation about parenting doesn’t ever seem to acknowledge seasons, or child development for that matter! An infant is a very different creature from a four year-old, who is a very different creature from an eight-year-old who is a very different creature from a 14-year-old. But so many articles etc. say “parenting” and go on to say whatever it is that they’d like to say. This lack of acknowledgment of seasonality in parenting in the discourse contributes to the overall lack of awareness of seasonality in life, which is already very present, as you said! We are overrun as a culture with masculine energy, where every day is the same. We need more of the feminine!
I really love how you wrapped it up, talking about the idea of openness. I’ve absolutely seen the fruit of an open spirit in my own parenting… Instead of thinking I need to research and control everything, have a plan, etc., I increasingly try to relax into the moment and let my kids and my gut/intuition teach me what (might) need to happen. Again, this feels like such a departure from the way most modern people live, and it’s taken me a while to figure out!
I'm inspired by what you said, Amber: "I increasingly try to relax into the moment and let my kids and my gut/intuition teach me what (might) need to happen." It is easier in some ways to try to fill a fixed, well-defined role than to figure out what is needed in your context. Of course, we don't want to always be reinventing the wheel -- there's so much we can learn from the past and each other in parenting! But there's a temptation to rely on "if I do X, Y will happen" and that doesn't always work. There's a balance here, but we want thinks to go well so much that sometimes we are willing to forego balance. That can work temporarily but not over years and years and years...
Yeah, I think I've learned that the only "fixed" thing about parenting is to be attuned to my individual children, to build a relationship with each of them and get to know who they are and what they might need to best flourish. And yes, for sure, there are things to learn from others so that we're not reinventing the wheel, but my favorite "parenting" experts (I know we like many of the same ones;)), as well as regular people to learn from, are the ones who tell me to trust myself and the natural process of human development.
It's hard when so much of homemaking involves trying to organize and schedule things! You want everything to be predictable and run smoothly and not change. But while systems and rules are good, thy don't solve the fundamental need for flexibility and acceptance of change.
I guess I’m thinking of parenting only, not the homemaking! But yes, they are intertwined of course in family life! I guess it’s great news for me that systems need to flex, because I’m not great at setting them up in the first place😂
I think you could take out "homemaking" and put in "parenting" in my comment, actually, and it would probably still make sense! But they sooooo run together for me a lot of the time, and so much about parenting young children if you're at home with them seems to be about schedules and "if-then" thinking. But schedules and rules are only as useful as they are effective, and that changes over time!
Oh Dixie, this was a good one for me to read. I am about to begin the second decade of parenting and I recently told my husband, "I'm so afraid I'm going to be a better mother of babies and toddlers than tweens and teens." Babies and toddlers are time and energy intensive, but they have real needs and they're usually relatively straightforward to meet; food, sleep, parental engagement or comfort will solve 90 percent of their problems. Tweens just push ALL. MY. BUTTONS. They ask if they need to wear a hat to school, I say "It is 20 degrees outside, so yes," they proceed to explain to me why they don't need one! Then why did you ask?!? Argh!! I find myself wanting to bring down the maternal hammer and require obedience when what is more likely required is a willingness to let nature teach the consequences and a quiet discussion when a child is home nursing a cold and missing basketball practice for why this might have happened and they should do differently next time. Going to spend lots of time parenting on my knees for sure!!
Take heart, Amy! I so hear you. Yes, it's very different and as you express, it takes trial and error and time for parents to learn how to respond in this new stage! Sometimes you do need to make them wear the hat -- and other times you need to let them get a little chilly. It's a transition stage for them, too, so sometimes it feel like nobody knows what they're doing in the house! But I do think that these things settle somewhat. It's like learning how to parent a toddler...it's a steep curve but I think you do develop the skills. I have heard a number of parents express that early puberty is the craziest time in the adolescent stage; this rings true to me. The hormones will stabilize!! Hang in there. And yes...more time on our knees!
Dixie, this is great. I shared it with some friends and also my moms (of mostly littles) group at church. As you know I got married young (early 20s) and conceived my two miracle babies in my 30s. Waiting so long for kids was never the plan (and something I generally wouldn't encourage for those who have the choice - there is plenty of remaining grief that will not fully heal in this life), but I have found that the greater life experience and maturity I had with my first kid helped me navigate a lot of this. I've found the best resource for parenting advice is friends, especially those who are a step or two ahead of me in parenting. We can bounce around ideas and say "this worked for us, it might be worth a try" or "someone recommended this to me, and it didn't work for us, but you might try it." We all know that not everything works for every family in every season so if a particular recommendation or strategy doesn't work for you, that's s OK. You can gather several ideas and try the ones that seem conducive to your family. And there's nothing quite so encouraging as knowing that your kid's immature behavior is normal and she appropriate - and that it won't last forever.
Friends and (nice!) relatives who are more experienced than you are gold mines for this! Peers are also wonderful, but sometimes we end up reinforcing unhealthy behaviors in each other if we don't have a longer perspective also in the mix.
None of my children have reached adulthood yet, so I'm aware that I'm only a medium-experienced parent, not a gone-through-all-of-childhood-already parent. But I'm starting to sometimes see the extremely vehement claims that mothers of one or two little babies make about what is right and wrong for mothers to do *categorically* (as opposed to just giving advice, which of course young mothers or mothers of only one or two can certainly give, and give well!) as deeply ignorant and immature. On the other side of bearing babies, things look different to me in some ways than they once did...I wish we would not encourage each other in such rigidity about so many aspects of mothering. SOME things about mothering are universal and timeless, but many things are not.
Sorry to double comment but I want to say one other thing.
Children are people, not projects.
Because they are so young they have not yet learned (or gained the skills to) hide their raw selves.
Sleep, as an example.Some adults sleep better than other adults. Some use sound machines or need blackout curtains, some stay up later or have an easier or harder time getting up in the morning. As adults, we generally know our bodies and take steps to do what works for us, and we get up in the morning regardless of whether we want to and work on our responsibilities because we're adults. Children are people too and have different sleep habits and needs that are just how their bodies are, because we're all individuals. But they can't just get over it like adults often can/do. When they're tired, they're grumpy - just like adults, but adults also have the skill and maturity to act polite and be responsible anyway.
Light sleepers and deep sleepers do not need the same thing. They need to be attended to by someone who will learn who they are and attend to their individual needs.
And the same for so many things that adults learn how to hide/live with.
True, and it's a benefit of having more than one child that it makes it more likely that any given mother or father will realize this. What worked with somebody's particular singleton is not necessarily a universal guide.
True! One of my newborns was a swaddle-and-pace-then-dont-dare-breathe sleeper, and for the other I would set a 3am alarm to get up and once even poured cold water in the baby's head because I needed to nurse and a certain 2 week old wanted to sleep.
I have a friend who says you should just smile and nod at parenting advice that is offered by someone with 1) less than two children or 2) all kids the same gender. That tip has been helpful to me more than once!
**Edited to add: A friend of mine pointed out, though, that we should be careful not to suggest that moms of only one or two or of children of only one sex have nothing to offer in terms of advice. I think she is quite right and I apologize if I implied that, which I didn't mean to do! (And I'm sure Amy agrees, too!)
When I was a young mom, I knew some other young moms who had only one baby and that baby was easy. They used to sometimes make me feel that the fact that my baby was so difficult was because of my poor parenting, because they were so sure that their easy babies were a result of their good parenting! When more children do come along, however, I think this sort of attitude is usually worn away by the humbling effects of an eventual challenging sleeper or a child who doesn't take "no" for an answer.
So that's more of what I meant. But really, such behavior is not the result of only having one child -- of course! -- but rather of a lack of humility. Which any parent, including yours truly, can sadly have!
So true! We’ve got the gamut over here of sleepers. Just one component of (very) many variables. The sheer variety has to be humbling; there’s no possible way to “manage” it all.
Thanks for this article, Dixie. Since I’m also reading Hannah’s Children and living the reality of many children, I’d also say that having a huge range of kids in different ages is also its own kind of learning curve about change. For instance, I’ve got a new one-year-old (going to walk soon!) and a four-year-old (learning to read!) and two lower elementary school students (2nd and 4th, starting some activities, getting more independent!)…plus three teenagers, including a high school senior (!!). The seasonality is ongoing and also hasn’t ended; I’m still a mom to littles AND in the second decade—and quickly moving to the third. I spoke to a mom of 14 several months ago, and she was saying how her same-aged friends in their late forties and early fifties are like, “Hey! Now we can go out!” and she was like, “Um, I’m still taking care of young children over here.” It’s so easy for people to only see the seasons they themselves are in.
I will fully grant that this is not the circumstance of the vast majority of mothers. But our big family has certainly taught and continues to teach me how vital flexibility is to my role. And humility—each child needs me, certainly, but also needs many more people to provide different services to them. Which is how every child should be cared for, too; it’s just more obvious when there are a lot of children in one family that this is the case.
Very wise comments, ESO! "It’s so easy for people to only see the seasons they themselves are in" -- yes, there's a failure of imagination here. That's what I hope this article can push against. I think we should encourage each other to expect to need to be flexible and creative, as you say, instead of fitting into some sort of neverending groove! And not only with the care of our children, but with the care of ourselves.
Great article, Dixie! Much wisdom in it. I'm firmly in the 2nd-3rd decade of parenting, 4 kids aged 13 to 21. There's a negativity toward teens in the culture, and I do get the need to let off steam as a parent of adolescents. But I seriously love being a mom to teens, and I never in a million years thought that would be true. Completely agree with you that we don't talk enough about seasons in life. I think it was Mary Harrington (?) who wrote something about women's life & career phases looking much different than men's on average, less linear, related to caregiving responsibilities and hormonal changes. Even as the main breadwinner through my children's early years, I see the truth in this when looking back. Only as my children got older did I have space to develop new hobbies and return to the creative pursuits that bring me joy. And I don't say that with bitterness or regret; my children largely shaped who I am now.
You stopped me in my tracks with this clause, "In a culture that is widely resistant to seasonality"
and I think that's probably a root cause of so many problems in our day (one of them, at least).
Thank you for shedding light on how this can affect parenting. My little bio (which is a tricky thing to write) includes "Done self-justifying; Christ has done it for me." And I realize that much of the temptation in motherhood includes self-justification: being able to say that we're doing it right, or we did it right, or we've figured it out, or well at least we've tried our best, and that's all you can ask.
I think your article demonstrates a loving humility which is willing to look past one's own self-perception and opinions which others might hold of oneself, and see the needs of the children and family. That is a profound gift to a family. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I tend to write what I myself need to hear, Leah! It's a struggle to keep seeing beyond the end of our own noses. Or the end of our own seasons. I need freedom and encouragement, so I am trying to share freedom and encouragement with others! I'm glad that you found this essay helpful.
You’ve shared so much wisdom here, Dixie! I’m glad to see an experienced mother like you advocating for seasonality and flexibility- which can feel daunting because of course we’d all like a simple system to stick to that would just fix everything! But people aren’t numbers and the more we can encourage parents to be responsive, the more families will thrive.
People aren't numbers! Well said. Wouldn't it be nice of organization or rule charts just solved everything...
And now I'm thinking: perhaps in some ways this idea of flexibility applies to women generally, rather than just in motherhood. I don't know to what degree it applies to men, but it seems as if things are often changing in expected and unexpected ways in a woman's life. It's that cyclical, seasonal physicality of womanhood. I'll have to think on this more!
I loved this piece so much, Dixie!
I’ve thought about this too, that so much conversation about parenting doesn’t ever seem to acknowledge seasons, or child development for that matter! An infant is a very different creature from a four year-old, who is a very different creature from an eight-year-old who is a very different creature from a 14-year-old. But so many articles etc. say “parenting” and go on to say whatever it is that they’d like to say. This lack of acknowledgment of seasonality in parenting in the discourse contributes to the overall lack of awareness of seasonality in life, which is already very present, as you said! We are overrun as a culture with masculine energy, where every day is the same. We need more of the feminine!
I really love how you wrapped it up, talking about the idea of openness. I’ve absolutely seen the fruit of an open spirit in my own parenting… Instead of thinking I need to research and control everything, have a plan, etc., I increasingly try to relax into the moment and let my kids and my gut/intuition teach me what (might) need to happen. Again, this feels like such a departure from the way most modern people live, and it’s taken me a while to figure out!
I'm inspired by what you said, Amber: "I increasingly try to relax into the moment and let my kids and my gut/intuition teach me what (might) need to happen." It is easier in some ways to try to fill a fixed, well-defined role than to figure out what is needed in your context. Of course, we don't want to always be reinventing the wheel -- there's so much we can learn from the past and each other in parenting! But there's a temptation to rely on "if I do X, Y will happen" and that doesn't always work. There's a balance here, but we want thinks to go well so much that sometimes we are willing to forego balance. That can work temporarily but not over years and years and years...
Yeah, I think I've learned that the only "fixed" thing about parenting is to be attuned to my individual children, to build a relationship with each of them and get to know who they are and what they might need to best flourish. And yes, for sure, there are things to learn from others so that we're not reinventing the wheel, but my favorite "parenting" experts (I know we like many of the same ones;)), as well as regular people to learn from, are the ones who tell me to trust myself and the natural process of human development.
It's hard when so much of homemaking involves trying to organize and schedule things! You want everything to be predictable and run smoothly and not change. But while systems and rules are good, thy don't solve the fundamental need for flexibility and acceptance of change.
I guess I’m thinking of parenting only, not the homemaking! But yes, they are intertwined of course in family life! I guess it’s great news for me that systems need to flex, because I’m not great at setting them up in the first place😂
I think you could take out "homemaking" and put in "parenting" in my comment, actually, and it would probably still make sense! But they sooooo run together for me a lot of the time, and so much about parenting young children if you're at home with them seems to be about schedules and "if-then" thinking. But schedules and rules are only as useful as they are effective, and that changes over time!
Oh Dixie, this was a good one for me to read. I am about to begin the second decade of parenting and I recently told my husband, "I'm so afraid I'm going to be a better mother of babies and toddlers than tweens and teens." Babies and toddlers are time and energy intensive, but they have real needs and they're usually relatively straightforward to meet; food, sleep, parental engagement or comfort will solve 90 percent of their problems. Tweens just push ALL. MY. BUTTONS. They ask if they need to wear a hat to school, I say "It is 20 degrees outside, so yes," they proceed to explain to me why they don't need one! Then why did you ask?!? Argh!! I find myself wanting to bring down the maternal hammer and require obedience when what is more likely required is a willingness to let nature teach the consequences and a quiet discussion when a child is home nursing a cold and missing basketball practice for why this might have happened and they should do differently next time. Going to spend lots of time parenting on my knees for sure!!
Take heart, Amy! I so hear you. Yes, it's very different and as you express, it takes trial and error and time for parents to learn how to respond in this new stage! Sometimes you do need to make them wear the hat -- and other times you need to let them get a little chilly. It's a transition stage for them, too, so sometimes it feel like nobody knows what they're doing in the house! But I do think that these things settle somewhat. It's like learning how to parent a toddler...it's a steep curve but I think you do develop the skills. I have heard a number of parents express that early puberty is the craziest time in the adolescent stage; this rings true to me. The hormones will stabilize!! Hang in there. And yes...more time on our knees!
Dixie, this is great. I shared it with some friends and also my moms (of mostly littles) group at church. As you know I got married young (early 20s) and conceived my two miracle babies in my 30s. Waiting so long for kids was never the plan (and something I generally wouldn't encourage for those who have the choice - there is plenty of remaining grief that will not fully heal in this life), but I have found that the greater life experience and maturity I had with my first kid helped me navigate a lot of this. I've found the best resource for parenting advice is friends, especially those who are a step or two ahead of me in parenting. We can bounce around ideas and say "this worked for us, it might be worth a try" or "someone recommended this to me, and it didn't work for us, but you might try it." We all know that not everything works for every family in every season so if a particular recommendation or strategy doesn't work for you, that's s OK. You can gather several ideas and try the ones that seem conducive to your family. And there's nothing quite so encouraging as knowing that your kid's immature behavior is normal and she appropriate - and that it won't last forever.
Age* appropriate
Friends and (nice!) relatives who are more experienced than you are gold mines for this! Peers are also wonderful, but sometimes we end up reinforcing unhealthy behaviors in each other if we don't have a longer perspective also in the mix.
None of my children have reached adulthood yet, so I'm aware that I'm only a medium-experienced parent, not a gone-through-all-of-childhood-already parent. But I'm starting to sometimes see the extremely vehement claims that mothers of one or two little babies make about what is right and wrong for mothers to do *categorically* (as opposed to just giving advice, which of course young mothers or mothers of only one or two can certainly give, and give well!) as deeply ignorant and immature. On the other side of bearing babies, things look different to me in some ways than they once did...I wish we would not encourage each other in such rigidity about so many aspects of mothering. SOME things about mothering are universal and timeless, but many things are not.
Sorry to double comment but I want to say one other thing.
Children are people, not projects.
Because they are so young they have not yet learned (or gained the skills to) hide their raw selves.
Sleep, as an example.Some adults sleep better than other adults. Some use sound machines or need blackout curtains, some stay up later or have an easier or harder time getting up in the morning. As adults, we generally know our bodies and take steps to do what works for us, and we get up in the morning regardless of whether we want to and work on our responsibilities because we're adults. Children are people too and have different sleep habits and needs that are just how their bodies are, because we're all individuals. But they can't just get over it like adults often can/do. When they're tired, they're grumpy - just like adults, but adults also have the skill and maturity to act polite and be responsible anyway.
Light sleepers and deep sleepers do not need the same thing. They need to be attended to by someone who will learn who they are and attend to their individual needs.
And the same for so many things that adults learn how to hide/live with.
True, and it's a benefit of having more than one child that it makes it more likely that any given mother or father will realize this. What worked with somebody's particular singleton is not necessarily a universal guide.
True! One of my newborns was a swaddle-and-pace-then-dont-dare-breathe sleeper, and for the other I would set a 3am alarm to get up and once even poured cold water in the baby's head because I needed to nurse and a certain 2 week old wanted to sleep.
I have a friend who says you should just smile and nod at parenting advice that is offered by someone with 1) less than two children or 2) all kids the same gender. That tip has been helpful to me more than once!
Oh, that's gold!
**Edited to add: A friend of mine pointed out, though, that we should be careful not to suggest that moms of only one or two or of children of only one sex have nothing to offer in terms of advice. I think she is quite right and I apologize if I implied that, which I didn't mean to do! (And I'm sure Amy agrees, too!)
When I was a young mom, I knew some other young moms who had only one baby and that baby was easy. They used to sometimes make me feel that the fact that my baby was so difficult was because of my poor parenting, because they were so sure that their easy babies were a result of their good parenting! When more children do come along, however, I think this sort of attitude is usually worn away by the humbling effects of an eventual challenging sleeper or a child who doesn't take "no" for an answer.
So that's more of what I meant. But really, such behavior is not the result of only having one child -- of course! -- but rather of a lack of humility. Which any parent, including yours truly, can sadly have!
So true! We’ve got the gamut over here of sleepers. Just one component of (very) many variables. The sheer variety has to be humbling; there’s no possible way to “manage” it all.
Thanks for this article, Dixie. Since I’m also reading Hannah’s Children and living the reality of many children, I’d also say that having a huge range of kids in different ages is also its own kind of learning curve about change. For instance, I’ve got a new one-year-old (going to walk soon!) and a four-year-old (learning to read!) and two lower elementary school students (2nd and 4th, starting some activities, getting more independent!)…plus three teenagers, including a high school senior (!!). The seasonality is ongoing and also hasn’t ended; I’m still a mom to littles AND in the second decade—and quickly moving to the third. I spoke to a mom of 14 several months ago, and she was saying how her same-aged friends in their late forties and early fifties are like, “Hey! Now we can go out!” and she was like, “Um, I’m still taking care of young children over here.” It’s so easy for people to only see the seasons they themselves are in.
I will fully grant that this is not the circumstance of the vast majority of mothers. But our big family has certainly taught and continues to teach me how vital flexibility is to my role. And humility—each child needs me, certainly, but also needs many more people to provide different services to them. Which is how every child should be cared for, too; it’s just more obvious when there are a lot of children in one family that this is the case.
Very wise comments, ESO! "It’s so easy for people to only see the seasons they themselves are in" -- yes, there's a failure of imagination here. That's what I hope this article can push against. I think we should encourage each other to expect to need to be flexible and creative, as you say, instead of fitting into some sort of neverending groove! And not only with the care of our children, but with the care of ourselves.
I really like the concept of stretching our imaginations: how we see ourselves, our children, our stages and seasons. Thanks!
Great article, Dixie! Much wisdom in it. I'm firmly in the 2nd-3rd decade of parenting, 4 kids aged 13 to 21. There's a negativity toward teens in the culture, and I do get the need to let off steam as a parent of adolescents. But I seriously love being a mom to teens, and I never in a million years thought that would be true. Completely agree with you that we don't talk enough about seasons in life. I think it was Mary Harrington (?) who wrote something about women's life & career phases looking much different than men's on average, less linear, related to caregiving responsibilities and hormonal changes. Even as the main breadwinner through my children's early years, I see the truth in this when looking back. Only as my children got older did I have space to develop new hobbies and return to the creative pursuits that bring me joy. And I don't say that with bitterness or regret; my children largely shaped who I am now.
"I never in a million years thought..." exactly. My life has surprised me so much over the years! I had no idea that this is how it would be!
Thank you so much for this piece!
You stopped me in my tracks with this clause, "In a culture that is widely resistant to seasonality"
and I think that's probably a root cause of so many problems in our day (one of them, at least).
Thank you for shedding light on how this can affect parenting. My little bio (which is a tricky thing to write) includes "Done self-justifying; Christ has done it for me." And I realize that much of the temptation in motherhood includes self-justification: being able to say that we're doing it right, or we did it right, or we've figured it out, or well at least we've tried our best, and that's all you can ask.
I think your article demonstrates a loving humility which is willing to look past one's own self-perception and opinions which others might hold of oneself, and see the needs of the children and family. That is a profound gift to a family. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I tend to write what I myself need to hear, Leah! It's a struggle to keep seeing beyond the end of our own noses. Or the end of our own seasons. I need freedom and encouragement, so I am trying to share freedom and encouragement with others! I'm glad that you found this essay helpful.
You’ve shared so much wisdom here, Dixie! I’m glad to see an experienced mother like you advocating for seasonality and flexibility- which can feel daunting because of course we’d all like a simple system to stick to that would just fix everything! But people aren’t numbers and the more we can encourage parents to be responsive, the more families will thrive.
People aren't numbers! Well said. Wouldn't it be nice of organization or rule charts just solved everything...
And now I'm thinking: perhaps in some ways this idea of flexibility applies to women generally, rather than just in motherhood. I don't know to what degree it applies to men, but it seems as if things are often changing in expected and unexpected ways in a woman's life. It's that cyclical, seasonal physicality of womanhood. I'll have to think on this more!