I'm so interested that "good, but busy" rings as valorization to you often; I think when I tell people I'm busy I'm trying to be real (not just say "fine!") about the state of stress that I'm in without unloading all the messy details on them. I appreciate the way you nuance busyness and not busyness as potential goods, depending on the reasons for them. And I love the squirrel-watching anecdote 😊
I think that custom of saying you're busy has different uses. It can be being real, as you say, or it can be trying to keep the interaction short, or it can be virtue-signalling. I think it would be interesting to read an essay about the "How are you?" greeting customs -- there are SO many little nuances that go into that little dance, dependent on so many different factors! So fascinating.
I think about the "how are you" exchange all the time! I haven't found a way to answer satisfactorily yet. On the one hand I would love to be able to share with my friends ask the things that are going on, but on the other hand sometimes they're not really asking that. Maybe we need a better question...
I think it's a social custom that involves some gauging of how much the people involved actually want to interact at that moment. So the response will be different depending on the situation...
It's funny, though -- sometimes you hear anecdotes of people responding to total strangers' "How are you?" with an outpouring of some deep woe and the stranger giving them an enormous amount of comfort.
Also, your comment confirmed my niggling thought that I hadn't introduced the essay well here. I've made some edits in the post to make it clearer! Thank you :)
Just yesterday an acquaintance asked, "How are you," and I reflexively replied, "Oh, busy." And I instantly cringed at my response. I don't like being defined by busyness but it's definitely the feeling that comes immediately to mind.
It's true what the previous commenter said: other responses like "fine," aren't great and often aren't true.
"Anxious and tired but doing my best to follow the will of God in my life" is clunky. ;-D
Anna Quindlen wrote a little book called "A Short Guide to a Happy Life." I keep it even though it's a little sappy because it's a nice reminder that leading a meaningful life is more important than a prestigious job. Like you, I set aside what could have been a more typically "successful" professional career in favor of family. It's good to be reminded of all reasons that was the right choice for me.
It's hard to gauge what kind of response is appropriate. "Busy" keeps the conversation light. But like you, I cringe at myself when I say it! It is often a deflection, at least partially...busyness is a safe thing to talk about...
I think it was Tsh Oxenreider who wrote in a recent post that her plate was very full, and she liked to say "full" instead of busy. I think perhaps even the imagery there helps communicate something different. A full plate is abundance, perhaps near spilling over, but it somehow feels less like a frantic thing. Busy makes me think of hamster wheels, and busy work. I am guilty of saying, "busy" often, but I've been trying to be more specific. Busy, tired and fine. Quite the trio. But then there's the reality that there are times when answering the question, "how are you?" honestly is just not what either party is looking for! Ha!
Full is a great word, and it's also okay if you mean "full of slowly drinking coffee while listening to my daughter talk about her day" and they think you mean "full of frenetic activity!" What a neat idea.
I just finished reading this now (I started yesterday and then got busy!). I really loved at the end how you distinguished between the reasons for choosing busyness. Well done.
What a fantastic piece! You made so many excellent points & covered so much ground in such a limited space.
I have so much to say I'm going to limit myself :) - But I think this notion that we give something value by "raising" it to the level of a job is really key and something I've been thinking about for a while (= decade+, lol!) When did we get so upside-down about it? Is it tied, ultimately, to a kind of communist or socialist philosophy? My working theory is that in America, it's coming from our Puritan roots. In Europe, it doesn't seem to exist as much in the same way, although there is a kind of socialist thread of thought that you "owe" it to society to be doing paid work and contributing via taxation - so if you're doing other things like raising children, you aren't really contributing.
I find myself trying to qualify when I use "busy" in response to "how are you?" I'll sometimes say, "busy- but it's all good things" or "the good kind of busy". I think this might be a British phrase, but my husband will sometimes say "things are really full-on" which makes me think of the intensive part of a sporting match and I know it can't last forever, and that's quite comforting for someone who doesn't love to be too busy!
To be honest, I think I use "busy" mostly as a deflection. I feel safe saying "I'm busy," like, "oh, look at me, I have so many things going on, welp, see you later!" That's not really good. I mean, we need this kind of safe casual civil interaction -- it's not wrong -- but I need a new word or approach for my own personal satisfaction.
As to the valorization of busyness itself, your theory makes sense. At some point I said to my wonderful editor, Alex Davis, that there needs to be a second essay on this topic at PD, whether by me or her or someone else, fleshing out other factors involved in this valorization of busyness!
I think I use it for deflection too, esp when someone is looking to have a more in-depth conversation and I don’t want to. I need to think about this more.
And yes to another article that fleshes out these ideas more!
You know, when I was thinking about this deflection, I realized that when I'm at the grocery store and I'm in a rush and I meet someone but I don't have time to talk, I will just say, "Hey! Oh, I'm so happy to see you -- I am in a rush for X reason so I can't talk. Have a lovely day!"
Why don't I say that when I just don't have the emotional energy to talk at length, too? "Oh, I'm doing all right! I'd love to catch up soon when I'm more energetic -- I just really need to read my book right now!" I would need to think through how to make that a little smoother but everybody has times like this! Maybe we should be more transparent in this case, while still being kind.
Well, maybe "busy" is a good solution, then. This particular greeting custom is a social dance, anyways, with undertones and codes. It is something we all understand; whereas yes, you might offend someone if you said, "I don't want to talk" in a more direct way.
I wonder if Emily Post or other old-fashioned etiquette gurus had a solution that is better than "busy?" I bet they did!
Not sure why "Things are really full-on" made me actually laugh out loud, but I'm going to share that with my husband for future use. My husband sometimes says to people who are obviously about to say it, that "Yes, we do have our hands full" in a lighthearted way. haha
I can recall times where as a stay at home mom when asked how I was doing I didn't say busy, and felt distinctly judged and looked down on. I feel like just from the stay at home mom place, we respond with "busy" often just because we already feel judged and disregarded by most people. I know that so many stay at home moms take on ridiculous amounts of busy work at school, at their kids activities, etc, in part because I think they feel insecure if their hours are not completely occupied somehow. Because, exactly like you say, they are so used to being a commodity and if they aren't at least seen as doing a lot then are they valuable? But I completely agree with your article, I think it really is an engrained attitude that takes a lot to overcome. I think of families of friends I grew up with who thought if they spent any time at home on the weekend they were doing something wrong, let alone the week days when full of full-time work, school, and extra curriculars. People are deeply uncomfortable with not being busy, with being at home, with not being constantly entertained. It really ripples out to every part of life.
I struggle with this, too, in my daily life as a homemaker. Even though I'm very careful about commitments and rest and not having a frenetic home life, I personally keep busy all the time. It is really hard for me to slow down because then I have to face my interior self. But I NEED to face my interior self. So the constant effort to design a life based on good principles and prudence in the face of activity is a high, high priority for keeping my vices in check.
Yes, I think it's definitely instinctual to want to be doing things all the time! Or even just so as to deal with our anxiety, or because we like doing those things! But at its essence busyness is dehumanizing. We just become things doing. Not people being.
Sometimes I avoid my interior self because she can be kind of mean, so I’m working on that… it’s been helpful to name what/ who/ why I am avoiding whenever I find myself doing it. But wouldn’t it be great if we could want to hang with our interior selves with the eagerness with which we want to hang with new friends?
Man, I love a good weekend outing but am a homebody at heart. I love being home and have always been exhausted by people's stories about all the things they did and outings they had. Internally I'm like "Every single weekend, all weekend, why though?? Sounds exhausting." (Before I start sounding like snob, I certainly have other ways to make myself too frenetic at home. ha)
I am just generally angsty no matter what I do! I have to take a lot of leaps of faith, and when I make an unwise one, boyyyyyy do I beat myself up. I clearly need to work on relaxing!
I was so outnumbered by children so quickly that I still do not comprehend how some women prefer to be out of their house with toddlers than in. I was also a nap nazi. Leaving the house by myself with 5 kids under 6 just didn't happen for about five years!
I was so strict about naps and bedtimes, because my children were super sleep-sensitive! Most of them would not nap on the go, and without a nap they were very unhappy. Plus, naptime/quiet time isn't just about their rest -- it is about Mom's, too. I needed whatever time I could get to try to rest. I did not like the idea of giving that time up in favor of running around!
Me too, but mostly because I was so outnumbered that if nap time didn't happen I would be on the precipice of insanity. I also think a strict nap time was the biggest factor in creating good toddler behaviour, it helped avoid so much of the exhausting parts of parenting that age when they're generally happy and well rested. I just see so much toddler behaviour that drives their parents nuts that could be avoided with rigorous nap schedules.
DIXIE this was great. Too many tangents one could talk about regarding everything you touched on, but a couple come to mind:
- One of big challenge for us moderns is probably building up the muscles to find and prioritize true, restorative leisure (as opposed to pure entertainment or addictive distraction). Josef Pieper wrote the book Leisure, which everyone seems to reference regarding this... but I have yet to get to. Kind of the idea of a virtue for the vice. ;-)
- For Christians, the Sabbath commandment (really the gift of commanded rest and refreshment!) gets tricky for a lot of us. We might technically cease from *paid work* but all other forms of modern busyness, distraction, technological deluges, activities continue on and we find that we haven't truly received the gift of rest and refreshment. Like you said, parsing this out can look different for different people but I think Christians in 2024 have to be honest about what being humble enough to receive a day of leisure and worship and rest would really look like. Because there's just too many things to keep us on a hamster wheel outside of paid work.
But then again, all spiritual practices are pretty counter-cultural. :)
To your second point, Sunday is the hardest day of the week for me because of this commandment! We do not do unnecessary work on Sunday in our family, but then I find myself flip flopping between on the one hand, having nothing to do and so feeling anxious (recreation/activity scares me if it takes energy when I am tired, but I also am bad at resting!!), and on the other hand, feeling dismissed and sorry for myself because I still have so much work I have to do on Sundays (still cooking all the meals, wrangling kids at church, dishes, etc.).
In other words, I am a mess on Sundays. Which is a problem. If you have any good advice, please send it my way!
...I do not. hahaha It's constantly something I think about, though, and I've heard wise people (often with children) mention approaching it in different ways. It's such a balance between stewarding your actual life but not doing an inordinate amount of needless tasks - so as to crowd out any other space. I often feel like the weekends ARE my only days to do stuff, with Jakob home. *Sigh*
My only 2 cents is that we’ve spent the last several years wrestling with this in our house and we haven’t reached perfection by any means, but here is what is helping:
- identifying what actually counts as “work” or “rest” for us. It’s so different for different people! For some people, cooking a big meal is relaxing and for others it is burdensome. (Or for me, it depends on the week 😅). If it’s burdensome, we have leftovers or cereal or whatever. Sometimes I think that moms esp feel the need to make Sundays “special” for their family but then they equate that with tons of work. Trust me, your kids will love having breakfast for dinner as a treat, if you frame it as special. 😂
- I often find myself spiralling on Sunday evenings so I need to know what’s coming for the week and have a plan. If I just rest by ignoring the calendar it’s not interiorly restful.
- setting aside treats that are more than food, reserved for Sundays whether that is binge reading a book or freely ignoring the dishes or going for a walk without phones. If I know I have something to look forward to, rather than a void, it helps! (For me that doesn’t usually involve “plans” in the formal sense, because those aren’t restful. But binge reading while wearing pjs all afternoon? That works for me.)
I think it was Stephanie Weinert who shared years ago that in their family they wanted to rest on Sundays but didn’t know how so they decided that special dinners would mean the kids could graze on a platter of deli meats and cheese and veg and everyone would have quiet time to read on their own and be refreshed.
Yes, I need to work on this. I think there's a tension between "make Sunday meals easy" and the tradition of the big Sunday brunch and/or dinner. But the latter makes a lot of work for cooks and dishwashers, as you point out, Kerri! I should think through a strategy.
If your family is happy with repeat rotation, you could always find a few make-ahead special meals (slow cooker/ casserole type things) that you always make on a Sunday, or assign others to prep in advance. Have you tried Smitten Kitchen’s Brisket? it’s so good and you can just make ahead and reheat. I was actually just eating the sauce straight with a spoon it was so delicious.
YES - That's the first step, figuring out what is work and rest. That's why it doesn't always help to be prescriptive, but the principle remains. This takes...... discernment. :)
I love the third point -- saving special things beyond food for Sundays! What a great idea.
And re: the Sunday evening spiralling...this is why I adjusted by Weekends Without Wifi to include the Sunday afternoon/evening internet check-in. It helps me relax better if to do some quick tidying of the inbox and have a sense of what I'll need to do on Monday.
My experience with busyness has been a guilt-ridden battle, only with an added onus. Whatever I do in life, I need to make money. This particular element came into my life when I married into a very industrious family whose "god" was making as much money as possible. Every penny on the table or satisfaction was not attained. Perfection was another requirement, especially for one member of the family. Thank goodness my husband realized after moving away from the core location of everyone that there were other things to do. I always felt guilty about being a stay-at-home mom even to the point of volunteering at her daycares. it was my solemn vow that I didn't want some other woman to raise my child. She got plenty of socialization with other kids. I got to watch her grow each step of the way. And I spent my husband's money wisely and frugally. That leads me to mention one thing in your essay in which I disagree. Women, mothers especially, are a HUGE part of the economic success of any country. We are the consumers of products made by all these busy companies. By voting with our dollars, we control the success or failure of a product line. If women were only busy at work and not spending a few hours a week shopping for herself and her family, the economic would sink like the Titanic and never some back up.
I'm sorry that your situation has led to such a struggle with busyness! It's such a complex thing. Good for you for still sticking to your guns about how you wanted to raise your daughter!!
Loved the essay on busyness. It reminded me that once in college I had a teacher in some hard science who was complaining that all his art major students were always late because they were off "staring at a cloud." I didn't have a major yet, but staring at clouds sounded nice to me, and eventually I ended up in the humanities lol.
I'm so interested that "good, but busy" rings as valorization to you often; I think when I tell people I'm busy I'm trying to be real (not just say "fine!") about the state of stress that I'm in without unloading all the messy details on them. I appreciate the way you nuance busyness and not busyness as potential goods, depending on the reasons for them. And I love the squirrel-watching anecdote 😊
I'm glad you liked it, Lucy!
I think that custom of saying you're busy has different uses. It can be being real, as you say, or it can be trying to keep the interaction short, or it can be virtue-signalling. I think it would be interesting to read an essay about the "How are you?" greeting customs -- there are SO many little nuances that go into that little dance, dependent on so many different factors! So fascinating.
Yes, so true!!
I think about the "how are you" exchange all the time! I haven't found a way to answer satisfactorily yet. On the one hand I would love to be able to share with my friends ask the things that are going on, but on the other hand sometimes they're not really asking that. Maybe we need a better question...
I think it's a social custom that involves some gauging of how much the people involved actually want to interact at that moment. So the response will be different depending on the situation...
It's funny, though -- sometimes you hear anecdotes of people responding to total strangers' "How are you?" with an outpouring of some deep woe and the stranger giving them an enormous amount of comfort.
It's mysterious.
Also, your comment confirmed my niggling thought that I hadn't introduced the essay well here. I've made some edits in the post to make it clearer! Thank you :)
Hah! You're welcome :)
Just yesterday an acquaintance asked, "How are you," and I reflexively replied, "Oh, busy." And I instantly cringed at my response. I don't like being defined by busyness but it's definitely the feeling that comes immediately to mind.
It's true what the previous commenter said: other responses like "fine," aren't great and often aren't true.
"Anxious and tired but doing my best to follow the will of God in my life" is clunky. ;-D
Anna Quindlen wrote a little book called "A Short Guide to a Happy Life." I keep it even though it's a little sappy because it's a nice reminder that leading a meaningful life is more important than a prestigious job. Like you, I set aside what could have been a more typically "successful" professional career in favor of family. It's good to be reminded of all reasons that was the right choice for me.
It's hard to gauge what kind of response is appropriate. "Busy" keeps the conversation light. But like you, I cringe at myself when I say it! It is often a deflection, at least partially...busyness is a safe thing to talk about...
I think it was Tsh Oxenreider who wrote in a recent post that her plate was very full, and she liked to say "full" instead of busy. I think perhaps even the imagery there helps communicate something different. A full plate is abundance, perhaps near spilling over, but it somehow feels less like a frantic thing. Busy makes me think of hamster wheels, and busy work. I am guilty of saying, "busy" often, but I've been trying to be more specific. Busy, tired and fine. Quite the trio. But then there's the reality that there are times when answering the question, "how are you?" honestly is just not what either party is looking for! Ha!
Full is a great word, and it's also okay if you mean "full of slowly drinking coffee while listening to my daughter talk about her day" and they think you mean "full of frenetic activity!" What a neat idea.
I just finished reading this now (I started yesterday and then got busy!). I really loved at the end how you distinguished between the reasons for choosing busyness. Well done.
Thank you. It was important to me not to just suggest that activity is bad! I'm glad the ending made sense to you.
What a fantastic piece! You made so many excellent points & covered so much ground in such a limited space.
I have so much to say I'm going to limit myself :) - But I think this notion that we give something value by "raising" it to the level of a job is really key and something I've been thinking about for a while (= decade+, lol!) When did we get so upside-down about it? Is it tied, ultimately, to a kind of communist or socialist philosophy? My working theory is that in America, it's coming from our Puritan roots. In Europe, it doesn't seem to exist as much in the same way, although there is a kind of socialist thread of thought that you "owe" it to society to be doing paid work and contributing via taxation - so if you're doing other things like raising children, you aren't really contributing.
I find myself trying to qualify when I use "busy" in response to "how are you?" I'll sometimes say, "busy- but it's all good things" or "the good kind of busy". I think this might be a British phrase, but my husband will sometimes say "things are really full-on" which makes me think of the intensive part of a sporting match and I know it can't last forever, and that's quite comforting for someone who doesn't love to be too busy!
To be honest, I think I use "busy" mostly as a deflection. I feel safe saying "I'm busy," like, "oh, look at me, I have so many things going on, welp, see you later!" That's not really good. I mean, we need this kind of safe casual civil interaction -- it's not wrong -- but I need a new word or approach for my own personal satisfaction.
As to the valorization of busyness itself, your theory makes sense. At some point I said to my wonderful editor, Alex Davis, that there needs to be a second essay on this topic at PD, whether by me or her or someone else, fleshing out other factors involved in this valorization of busyness!
I think I use it for deflection too, esp when someone is looking to have a more in-depth conversation and I don’t want to. I need to think about this more.
And yes to another article that fleshes out these ideas more!
You know, when I was thinking about this deflection, I realized that when I'm at the grocery store and I'm in a rush and I meet someone but I don't have time to talk, I will just say, "Hey! Oh, I'm so happy to see you -- I am in a rush for X reason so I can't talk. Have a lovely day!"
Why don't I say that when I just don't have the emotional energy to talk at length, too? "Oh, I'm doing all right! I'd love to catch up soon when I'm more energetic -- I just really need to read my book right now!" I would need to think through how to make that a little smoother but everybody has times like this! Maybe we should be more transparent in this case, while still being kind.
Yes. I think I struggle because most extroverts won’t understand… and I don’t want to offend people so I feel like “busy” is a way of doing that.
Well, maybe "busy" is a good solution, then. This particular greeting custom is a social dance, anyways, with undertones and codes. It is something we all understand; whereas yes, you might offend someone if you said, "I don't want to talk" in a more direct way.
I wonder if Emily Post or other old-fashioned etiquette gurus had a solution that is better than "busy?" I bet they did!
Not sure why "Things are really full-on" made me actually laugh out loud, but I'm going to share that with my husband for future use. My husband sometimes says to people who are obviously about to say it, that "Yes, we do have our hands full" in a lighthearted way. haha
"You're telling me!"
Yep. "Indeed! My life is certainly intense due to the small circus that comes everywhere with me!"
I can recall times where as a stay at home mom when asked how I was doing I didn't say busy, and felt distinctly judged and looked down on. I feel like just from the stay at home mom place, we respond with "busy" often just because we already feel judged and disregarded by most people. I know that so many stay at home moms take on ridiculous amounts of busy work at school, at their kids activities, etc, in part because I think they feel insecure if their hours are not completely occupied somehow. Because, exactly like you say, they are so used to being a commodity and if they aren't at least seen as doing a lot then are they valuable? But I completely agree with your article, I think it really is an engrained attitude that takes a lot to overcome. I think of families of friends I grew up with who thought if they spent any time at home on the weekend they were doing something wrong, let alone the week days when full of full-time work, school, and extra curriculars. People are deeply uncomfortable with not being busy, with being at home, with not being constantly entertained. It really ripples out to every part of life.
I struggle with this, too, in my daily life as a homemaker. Even though I'm very careful about commitments and rest and not having a frenetic home life, I personally keep busy all the time. It is really hard for me to slow down because then I have to face my interior self. But I NEED to face my interior self. So the constant effort to design a life based on good principles and prudence in the face of activity is a high, high priority for keeping my vices in check.
Yes, I think it's definitely instinctual to want to be doing things all the time! Or even just so as to deal with our anxiety, or because we like doing those things! But at its essence busyness is dehumanizing. We just become things doing. Not people being.
Well said. That gets right to the point -- is it what we produce that gives us value? Or do we just have value, full stop? Doing or being?
There is so much evidence that overall, Western cultures are changing their answer to "doing."
Sometimes I avoid my interior self because she can be kind of mean, so I’m working on that… it’s been helpful to name what/ who/ why I am avoiding whenever I find myself doing it. But wouldn’t it be great if we could want to hang with our interior selves with the eagerness with which we want to hang with new friends?
We need to learn to talk back to our interior selves. To offer evidence to the contrary when Inside You is mean!
Man, I love a good weekend outing but am a homebody at heart. I love being home and have always been exhausted by people's stories about all the things they did and outings they had. Internally I'm like "Every single weekend, all weekend, why though?? Sounds exhausting." (Before I start sounding like snob, I certainly have other ways to make myself too frenetic at home. ha)
I am just generally angsty no matter what I do! I have to take a lot of leaps of faith, and when I make an unwise one, boyyyyyy do I beat myself up. I clearly need to work on relaxing!
I was so outnumbered by children so quickly that I still do not comprehend how some women prefer to be out of their house with toddlers than in. I was also a nap nazi. Leaving the house by myself with 5 kids under 6 just didn't happen for about five years!
I was so strict about naps and bedtimes, because my children were super sleep-sensitive! Most of them would not nap on the go, and without a nap they were very unhappy. Plus, naptime/quiet time isn't just about their rest -- it is about Mom's, too. I needed whatever time I could get to try to rest. I did not like the idea of giving that time up in favor of running around!
Me too, but mostly because I was so outnumbered that if nap time didn't happen I would be on the precipice of insanity. I also think a strict nap time was the biggest factor in creating good toddler behaviour, it helped avoid so much of the exhausting parts of parenting that age when they're generally happy and well rested. I just see so much toddler behaviour that drives their parents nuts that could be avoided with rigorous nap schedules.
Sleep and food are everything for toddlers! And teens...and grown-ups...
DIXIE this was great. Too many tangents one could talk about regarding everything you touched on, but a couple come to mind:
- One of big challenge for us moderns is probably building up the muscles to find and prioritize true, restorative leisure (as opposed to pure entertainment or addictive distraction). Josef Pieper wrote the book Leisure, which everyone seems to reference regarding this... but I have yet to get to. Kind of the idea of a virtue for the vice. ;-)
- For Christians, the Sabbath commandment (really the gift of commanded rest and refreshment!) gets tricky for a lot of us. We might technically cease from *paid work* but all other forms of modern busyness, distraction, technological deluges, activities continue on and we find that we haven't truly received the gift of rest and refreshment. Like you said, parsing this out can look different for different people but I think Christians in 2024 have to be honest about what being humble enough to receive a day of leisure and worship and rest would really look like. Because there's just too many things to keep us on a hamster wheel outside of paid work.
But then again, all spiritual practices are pretty counter-cultural. :)
Thanks, Haley!
To your second point, Sunday is the hardest day of the week for me because of this commandment! We do not do unnecessary work on Sunday in our family, but then I find myself flip flopping between on the one hand, having nothing to do and so feeling anxious (recreation/activity scares me if it takes energy when I am tired, but I also am bad at resting!!), and on the other hand, feeling dismissed and sorry for myself because I still have so much work I have to do on Sundays (still cooking all the meals, wrangling kids at church, dishes, etc.).
In other words, I am a mess on Sundays. Which is a problem. If you have any good advice, please send it my way!
...I do not. hahaha It's constantly something I think about, though, and I've heard wise people (often with children) mention approaching it in different ways. It's such a balance between stewarding your actual life but not doing an inordinate amount of needless tasks - so as to crowd out any other space. I often feel like the weekends ARE my only days to do stuff, with Jakob home. *Sigh*
My only 2 cents is that we’ve spent the last several years wrestling with this in our house and we haven’t reached perfection by any means, but here is what is helping:
- identifying what actually counts as “work” or “rest” for us. It’s so different for different people! For some people, cooking a big meal is relaxing and for others it is burdensome. (Or for me, it depends on the week 😅). If it’s burdensome, we have leftovers or cereal or whatever. Sometimes I think that moms esp feel the need to make Sundays “special” for their family but then they equate that with tons of work. Trust me, your kids will love having breakfast for dinner as a treat, if you frame it as special. 😂
- I often find myself spiralling on Sunday evenings so I need to know what’s coming for the week and have a plan. If I just rest by ignoring the calendar it’s not interiorly restful.
- setting aside treats that are more than food, reserved for Sundays whether that is binge reading a book or freely ignoring the dishes or going for a walk without phones. If I know I have something to look forward to, rather than a void, it helps! (For me that doesn’t usually involve “plans” in the formal sense, because those aren’t restful. But binge reading while wearing pjs all afternoon? That works for me.)
I think it was Stephanie Weinert who shared years ago that in their family they wanted to rest on Sundays but didn’t know how so they decided that special dinners would mean the kids could graze on a platter of deli meats and cheese and veg and everyone would have quiet time to read on their own and be refreshed.
Yes, I need to work on this. I think there's a tension between "make Sunday meals easy" and the tradition of the big Sunday brunch and/or dinner. But the latter makes a lot of work for cooks and dishwashers, as you point out, Kerri! I should think through a strategy.
If your family is happy with repeat rotation, you could always find a few make-ahead special meals (slow cooker/ casserole type things) that you always make on a Sunday, or assign others to prep in advance. Have you tried Smitten Kitchen’s Brisket? it’s so good and you can just make ahead and reheat. I was actually just eating the sauce straight with a spoon it was so delicious.
Yum, brisket...I should do that. I need to make a plan for Sunday that is not just about cooking something fancy!
Easy and yummy should be the goals.
YES - That's the first step, figuring out what is work and rest. That's why it doesn't always help to be prescriptive, but the principle remains. This takes...... discernment. :)
You know it! :)
Hmmm, who do I know who is an expert on discernment...her name is escaping me...I think she runs Cultivating Clarity and By the Sea? ;)
😂🙋♀️
I love the third point -- saving special things beyond food for Sundays! What a great idea.
And re: the Sunday evening spiralling...this is why I adjusted by Weekends Without Wifi to include the Sunday afternoon/evening internet check-in. It helps me relax better if to do some quick tidying of the inbox and have a sense of what I'll need to do on Monday.
My experience with busyness has been a guilt-ridden battle, only with an added onus. Whatever I do in life, I need to make money. This particular element came into my life when I married into a very industrious family whose "god" was making as much money as possible. Every penny on the table or satisfaction was not attained. Perfection was another requirement, especially for one member of the family. Thank goodness my husband realized after moving away from the core location of everyone that there were other things to do. I always felt guilty about being a stay-at-home mom even to the point of volunteering at her daycares. it was my solemn vow that I didn't want some other woman to raise my child. She got plenty of socialization with other kids. I got to watch her grow each step of the way. And I spent my husband's money wisely and frugally. That leads me to mention one thing in your essay in which I disagree. Women, mothers especially, are a HUGE part of the economic success of any country. We are the consumers of products made by all these busy companies. By voting with our dollars, we control the success or failure of a product line. If women were only busy at work and not spending a few hours a week shopping for herself and her family, the economic would sink like the Titanic and never some back up.
I'm sorry that your situation has led to such a struggle with busyness! It's such a complex thing. Good for you for still sticking to your guns about how you wanted to raise your daughter!!
Loved the essay on busyness. It reminded me that once in college I had a teacher in some hard science who was complaining that all his art major students were always late because they were off "staring at a cloud." I didn't have a major yet, but staring at clouds sounded nice to me, and eventually I ended up in the humanities lol.
"Staring at a cloud." Ha!
Glad you enjoyed the essay.