What I want to emphasize in this essay is the need for charity and generosity when we see someone doing something *we* don't do but isn't sinful. There are those who see a woman in jeans at church or hear that you don't do X or Y devotional practice or act of service and they say, "That is sinful."
I think it is a blessing to try to adopt the frame of mind that thinks, "I presume there is a reason for this choice/situation, and maybe even a very good one."
Wow! Looks like I need to reread the Epistles! The Holy Spirit must have been whispering these passages into my ear without my realizing.
We have a controversy (a very sticky, complex issue) ongoing in our town over what should be done with some objectionable books at our local library. A very wise friend reminded me when I was anxious about what my fellow parishioners might think of my opinion: "you oppose this, and someone else supports it. You both may become saints."
I just think it is important to go to church; wearing whatever you have, as long as it is modest. I once attended Mass at a beach and was flabbergasted to see some bathing suits with short shorts on over them, even though signs outside requested no bathing suits. I guss the fact taht you are there is more important than what you are wearing, as long as you are not distracting other worshipers. But bikini tops???
I was just e-mailing with another reader about this -- the question of modesty.
On the one hand, some people think jeans immodest.
And in very hot places, no one bats an eye at a spaghetti strap top/dress, which would be considered immodest at church here in VA by most.
So there is some contextual variability to the modesty question, by place/family/person/education/etc.
But on the other hand it is definitely important to be modest at church, in my opinion.
And yet...sometimes I see immodestly dressed (in my opinion) people at church and I remember times when I was younger when I wore something I thought was modest, but realized in later years wasn't, and how grateful I was for the forebearance of those around me who could have embarrassed or shamed me.
And I also think we need to practice custody of the eyes.
And if something becomes a major problem with a certain person, the pastor, or a deacon's wife, or some other person can address it in a loving and delicate way. I think that definitely can be appropriate and good.
And...for my last and...in general, I think we need to do better at remembering that sometimes there is a reason for how a person is dressed that we really can't fathom. I think the conversation about dress comes long after welcoming the (even immodest) person...presuming they're not actually naked !! :)
My personal attitude for my own dress is "neat and clean and modest" rather than "fancy" or "skirts only" or whatever. It really does help me come to church! Thanks for your affirmation.
Thank you, Meredith! I really like the way you put it. Sometimes we get in a rut of emphasizing performance over God's love for us. Our choices matter, but in a "seeking Him" way, not a "better be careful or He won't love you" way.
Yes, yes, yes.... and we have this remarkable ability to turn anything (even really great things, like dressing nicely) into performances. Jean overalls to Mass might go further in helping me find some humility than I want to admit...
So true! And the thing is, proper respect for law (good thing) and legalism (bad thing) are two sides of the same coin. As I think Lewis says somewhere in The Screwtape Letters, the sins of the age are perversions of the virtues of the age. My parish is so wonderful in encouraging good, holy practices...so that makes particularly weak sinners like me start to think that performance is essential, rather than just grace (which does, in fact, grow through such practices when they are rightly ordered!).
I'm not expressing myself quite right here -- what I mean is that although these are *good* things, they can be twisted to create distance and even to tempt people to sin.
I think I'm catching your drift. Practice and performance are both attitudes in the heart. It isn't possible to know of others, really, unless they tell you, but if you notice something shifting in your own heart, it's important to respond. And there is something visceral about changing your own appearance (without judging the appearances of others) that can help us with our own discernments... yes?
I like how you compare it to particular devotions being more fitted to certain people and families. I too have long found it difficult to turn to the Rosary as a devotion, but on the other hand, I have more of an inclination toward Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.
I agree with your criteria in the comments of clean, neat, and modest (in accord with the customs of the area). I too had difficulty dressing femininely growing up, which still affects the way I dress! So jeans and I are old Mass friends :)
It is difficult to "get over" the opinions and judgements of others, especially in this community (believe me, I've had 34 years of experience), but I always remember that everyone has their own wounds and struggles and everyone deserves to be approached with a huge helping of grace. Ourselves included.
What a beautiful comment, Catherine -- "everyone has their own wounds and struggles and everyone deserves to be approached with a huge helping of grace. Ourselves included."
Yes, it goes way beyond clothes at Mass. It's prudential matters in general, and the temptation to think that we know better than the Church about what's universally needed.
Dixie, what a lovely discussion. It’s not easy finding the balance between scrupulosity and spiritual discipline. My after work outside the home inertia needs the discipline of a daily rosary whether or not it is perfectly done. It is a time to do battle for the spiritual health of my 7 children as well as a surrendering of them to their heavenly mother and eternal Father. Thank you for the reminder not to judge my sisters who are wearing jeans to Sunday Mass. so important to encourage each other to show our reverence for the miracle of the Holy Mass and then let the individual figure it out, as long as clothing and behavior are modest and not distracting. The important thing as you said is to be aware of barriers that prevent us from drawing closer to the Lord.
Thank you for your prayers and devotion, Arlene! That is so powerful.
I was just thinking yesterday at church (I was wearing a dress! No jeans for me in the summer!) that I have thought about this so much not just because of my own varitions in needs in terms of dress and other prudential decisions, but also because *I am liable to judge others*. I definitely struggle not to think about other people's choices at church and so I spend lots of time reminding myself to be charitable and praying Hail Mary's when I catch myself in an uncharitable thought. That essay was directed at myself as much as anyone, for I am, and I say this without false humility, first among sinners, for sure.
We could all do well to grow in charity and not presume others are exactly like us in needs and abilities.
I honor your struggle with how to dress and feel stylish. If there is anxiety about clothing, would it not be prudential to tackle that anxiety and build up your own personal sense of style? Why put it off?
When my daughter was about 6, I was approaching 50 and felt a bit frumpy to be honest. I decided to do something about it, went to Nordstrom (a very rare occasion) and gained a huge boost of style confidence by working with one of their stylish, young employees. She brought me item after item to try on and I left with a handful of new pieces for an updated, everyday wardrobe. No skirts or dresses, but tops that I still pair with a simple black skirt or slacks 8 years later. It was working with that young woman that made it fun and I trusted her honest opinion. I turned away many of the suggestions but the ones I bought were good pieces. I will admit some small guilt as a SAHM but my husband was supportive of this once in a blue moon splurge.
About five few years ago, I went to a style workshop that was also fun and helped me see myself in terms of flattering shapes and colors. It helped me identify my unique style and weed out what wasn't really projecting who I wanted to be seen as. You are a mom in a busy season, but you are also a woman worthy of pretty things that project your beauty! Your skin and hair are so lovely. Fall colors are here so maybe consider taking a mommy retreat for a little retail therapy. Go with someone you trust or a shop you think has good staff. This is something you'll appreciate when you're 60 because your style reflects who you are today and who you are becoming. You are an unfinished work of God's creation! God bless!
What a lovely comment, Joanne. Thank you! I am so glad that you were able to address this need to find clothers that make you feel "updated" and put-together and nice. Clothes are such an important part of taking care of yourself and of presenting yourself to the world. I'm grateful for your example and encouragement!
Yes, I have been working on this for some time now, and I am getting better at it...one challenge has been that while having pregnancies my size was constantly changing. Now my youngest is almost four...even if we receive the gift of another child, it would likely be the last or nearly so, so it actually makes more financial sense now for me to put a little more of our resources toward some clothing that will work well for me over the longterm.
The funny thing about the "jeans" thing is that it orignated when I was at the point in one of my pregnancies when nothing but pretty informal clothing would fit for a couple of months...and I had to determine that I would just go to church in my clean, modest atheletic-style clothing. And that's okay!
It's funny because I have 3 warm-weather dresses that I feel both pretty and comfortable in so this summer I have mostly worn those to church. The Sunday after my essay came out I had a number of in-person friends gently tease me (we are good friends, it was not a problem!) because I was not wearing jeans!
So the point really is to let God love you and trust that He knows your heart.
But yes -- my daughter was actually telling me yesterday, Mom, you really need to just buy some more clothes, too!
It's a whole "thing" for me, and I really benefit from such loving and lovely encouragement as yours, Joanne, so thank you!
You hit the sternum on this one. I was raised LDS and HATED testimony meetings. You speak of it accurately, the pressure to state publically our faith in God AND THE CHURCH. That's where it really is. Since withdrawing from formal religious groups, my connection with what God is and our relationship has become joyous and unpressured. You're right. Putting aside those things that come between us and God is a worthy exercise in focusing on the essentials. Thank you, Dixie, for this.
I've done a lot of work in LDS history and I understand what you mean; testimonies are almost a genre, something that has a basic form and rhythm to which most versions conform. I know that other types of religious testimonies can also be this way -- it can be good and helpful, but also pressuring. I'm glad you are connected to our good Lord and I hope you continue to grow closer to Him!
Thank you for pointing out this passage to me!
What I want to emphasize in this essay is the need for charity and generosity when we see someone doing something *we* don't do but isn't sinful. There are those who see a woman in jeans at church or hear that you don't do X or Y devotional practice or act of service and they say, "That is sinful."
I think it is a blessing to try to adopt the frame of mind that thinks, "I presume there is a reason for this choice/situation, and maybe even a very good one."
And of course...even if it is sinful, not to pass judgment on the person him/herself.
Wow! Looks like I need to reread the Epistles! The Holy Spirit must have been whispering these passages into my ear without my realizing.
We have a controversy (a very sticky, complex issue) ongoing in our town over what should be done with some objectionable books at our local library. A very wise friend reminded me when I was anxious about what my fellow parishioners might think of my opinion: "you oppose this, and someone else supports it. You both may become saints."
I just think it is important to go to church; wearing whatever you have, as long as it is modest. I once attended Mass at a beach and was flabbergasted to see some bathing suits with short shorts on over them, even though signs outside requested no bathing suits. I guss the fact taht you are there is more important than what you are wearing, as long as you are not distracting other worshipers. But bikini tops???
I was just e-mailing with another reader about this -- the question of modesty.
On the one hand, some people think jeans immodest.
And in very hot places, no one bats an eye at a spaghetti strap top/dress, which would be considered immodest at church here in VA by most.
So there is some contextual variability to the modesty question, by place/family/person/education/etc.
But on the other hand it is definitely important to be modest at church, in my opinion.
And yet...sometimes I see immodestly dressed (in my opinion) people at church and I remember times when I was younger when I wore something I thought was modest, but realized in later years wasn't, and how grateful I was for the forebearance of those around me who could have embarrassed or shamed me.
And I also think we need to practice custody of the eyes.
And if something becomes a major problem with a certain person, the pastor, or a deacon's wife, or some other person can address it in a loving and delicate way. I think that definitely can be appropriate and good.
And...for my last and...in general, I think we need to do better at remembering that sometimes there is a reason for how a person is dressed that we really can't fathom. I think the conversation about dress comes long after welcoming the (even immodest) person...presuming they're not actually naked !! :)
My personal attitude for my own dress is "neat and clean and modest" rather than "fancy" or "skirts only" or whatever. It really does help me come to church! Thanks for your affirmation.
I loved this - this is an encouraging take on the purpose of Mass informing the ways we show up (rather than the other way around).
Thank you, Meredith! I really like the way you put it. Sometimes we get in a rut of emphasizing performance over God's love for us. Our choices matter, but in a "seeking Him" way, not a "better be careful or He won't love you" way.
Yes, yes, yes.... and we have this remarkable ability to turn anything (even really great things, like dressing nicely) into performances. Jean overalls to Mass might go further in helping me find some humility than I want to admit...
So true! And the thing is, proper respect for law (good thing) and legalism (bad thing) are two sides of the same coin. As I think Lewis says somewhere in The Screwtape Letters, the sins of the age are perversions of the virtues of the age. My parish is so wonderful in encouraging good, holy practices...so that makes particularly weak sinners like me start to think that performance is essential, rather than just grace (which does, in fact, grow through such practices when they are rightly ordered!).
I'm not expressing myself quite right here -- what I mean is that although these are *good* things, they can be twisted to create distance and even to tempt people to sin.
I think I'm catching your drift. Practice and performance are both attitudes in the heart. It isn't possible to know of others, really, unless they tell you, but if you notice something shifting in your own heart, it's important to respond. And there is something visceral about changing your own appearance (without judging the appearances of others) that can help us with our own discernments... yes?
That is very well-put, Meredith! Yes.
I like how you compare it to particular devotions being more fitted to certain people and families. I too have long found it difficult to turn to the Rosary as a devotion, but on the other hand, I have more of an inclination toward Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.
I agree with your criteria in the comments of clean, neat, and modest (in accord with the customs of the area). I too had difficulty dressing femininely growing up, which still affects the way I dress! So jeans and I are old Mass friends :)
It is difficult to "get over" the opinions and judgements of others, especially in this community (believe me, I've had 34 years of experience), but I always remember that everyone has their own wounds and struggles and everyone deserves to be approached with a huge helping of grace. Ourselves included.
What a beautiful comment, Catherine -- "everyone has their own wounds and struggles and everyone deserves to be approached with a huge helping of grace. Ourselves included."
Yes, it goes way beyond clothes at Mass. It's prudential matters in general, and the temptation to think that we know better than the Church about what's universally needed.
Dixie, what a lovely discussion. It’s not easy finding the balance between scrupulosity and spiritual discipline. My after work outside the home inertia needs the discipline of a daily rosary whether or not it is perfectly done. It is a time to do battle for the spiritual health of my 7 children as well as a surrendering of them to their heavenly mother and eternal Father. Thank you for the reminder not to judge my sisters who are wearing jeans to Sunday Mass. so important to encourage each other to show our reverence for the miracle of the Holy Mass and then let the individual figure it out, as long as clothing and behavior are modest and not distracting. The important thing as you said is to be aware of barriers that prevent us from drawing closer to the Lord.
Thank you for your prayers and devotion, Arlene! That is so powerful.
I was just thinking yesterday at church (I was wearing a dress! No jeans for me in the summer!) that I have thought about this so much not just because of my own varitions in needs in terms of dress and other prudential decisions, but also because *I am liable to judge others*. I definitely struggle not to think about other people's choices at church and so I spend lots of time reminding myself to be charitable and praying Hail Mary's when I catch myself in an uncharitable thought. That essay was directed at myself as much as anyone, for I am, and I say this without false humility, first among sinners, for sure.
We could all do well to grow in charity and not presume others are exactly like us in needs and abilities.
I honor your struggle with how to dress and feel stylish. If there is anxiety about clothing, would it not be prudential to tackle that anxiety and build up your own personal sense of style? Why put it off?
When my daughter was about 6, I was approaching 50 and felt a bit frumpy to be honest. I decided to do something about it, went to Nordstrom (a very rare occasion) and gained a huge boost of style confidence by working with one of their stylish, young employees. She brought me item after item to try on and I left with a handful of new pieces for an updated, everyday wardrobe. No skirts or dresses, but tops that I still pair with a simple black skirt or slacks 8 years later. It was working with that young woman that made it fun and I trusted her honest opinion. I turned away many of the suggestions but the ones I bought were good pieces. I will admit some small guilt as a SAHM but my husband was supportive of this once in a blue moon splurge.
About five few years ago, I went to a style workshop that was also fun and helped me see myself in terms of flattering shapes and colors. It helped me identify my unique style and weed out what wasn't really projecting who I wanted to be seen as. You are a mom in a busy season, but you are also a woman worthy of pretty things that project your beauty! Your skin and hair are so lovely. Fall colors are here so maybe consider taking a mommy retreat for a little retail therapy. Go with someone you trust or a shop you think has good staff. This is something you'll appreciate when you're 60 because your style reflects who you are today and who you are becoming. You are an unfinished work of God's creation! God bless!
What a lovely comment, Joanne. Thank you! I am so glad that you were able to address this need to find clothers that make you feel "updated" and put-together and nice. Clothes are such an important part of taking care of yourself and of presenting yourself to the world. I'm grateful for your example and encouragement!
Yes, I have been working on this for some time now, and I am getting better at it...one challenge has been that while having pregnancies my size was constantly changing. Now my youngest is almost four...even if we receive the gift of another child, it would likely be the last or nearly so, so it actually makes more financial sense now for me to put a little more of our resources toward some clothing that will work well for me over the longterm.
The funny thing about the "jeans" thing is that it orignated when I was at the point in one of my pregnancies when nothing but pretty informal clothing would fit for a couple of months...and I had to determine that I would just go to church in my clean, modest atheletic-style clothing. And that's okay!
It's funny because I have 3 warm-weather dresses that I feel both pretty and comfortable in so this summer I have mostly worn those to church. The Sunday after my essay came out I had a number of in-person friends gently tease me (we are good friends, it was not a problem!) because I was not wearing jeans!
So the point really is to let God love you and trust that He knows your heart.
But yes -- my daughter was actually telling me yesterday, Mom, you really need to just buy some more clothes, too!
It's a whole "thing" for me, and I really benefit from such loving and lovely encouragement as yours, Joanne, so thank you!
I love how you articulated this. I deeply identify with what you are talking about.
Thank you! Gotta just keep going and hold your head up and believe in God's faithfulness!
You hit the sternum on this one. I was raised LDS and HATED testimony meetings. You speak of it accurately, the pressure to state publically our faith in God AND THE CHURCH. That's where it really is. Since withdrawing from formal religious groups, my connection with what God is and our relationship has become joyous and unpressured. You're right. Putting aside those things that come between us and God is a worthy exercise in focusing on the essentials. Thank you, Dixie, for this.
I've done a lot of work in LDS history and I understand what you mean; testimonies are almost a genre, something that has a basic form and rhythm to which most versions conform. I know that other types of religious testimonies can also be this way -- it can be good and helpful, but also pressuring. I'm glad you are connected to our good Lord and I hope you continue to grow closer to Him!