This made me tear up. Which yes, I’m sure has to do with pregnancy hormones, but is also because it rings so true. I am often so afraid to open up those avenues of letting other people support me in things that I “should” be able to do myself (says who?) This reflection coming to you from the end of what has been a difficult pregnancy, when my husband just cancelled a fun trip to be around, and yet I am still going out of town next week for a conference (which is for the purpose of being able to get skills to help with this next baby, but still somehow feels like this unimaginable luxury (of three days of class hahaha). It’s very difficult to unwind some of the guilt and messaging and try to discern what it is that God has gifted us in, and how our families might actually need to offer each other mutual care and support…
Annelise, you seem to grasp this muddle perfectly (or as perfectly as one can grasp a muddle, I guess). I am so glad you are going to the conference; going has been *so* difficult for me but once I am there, after a few hours, I'm overwhelmed by how good it is and how right it was for me to go! It is indeed very hard to unwind all the threads from this kind of knot; I think that for me, perfectionism is a part of it, too. And so I refuse to trust or to rest, and so trust and rest do not grow in me even when the gardener wants them to.
Hang in there. Pregnancy can be so hard. You are doing *good things.*
Thanks for this honest share Dixie! I loved that you provided the specifics of what your home life looks like during this season; hearing such honesty is refreshing. I am facing a very similar situation right now, an I resonate with how your home life needs to adapt while this project is happening. Maybe I'll share more about my experience soon as well :) So happy to hear that you are nearly done and have been missing your writing!
Thank you, Ruth. I am not very flexible sometimes; this experience is cracking that part of me open a bit so that I can not only adapt, but also forgive myself for being human (and yelling about Nutella).
I would love to read more about your experience sometime!
I think you have a great approach. You captured the stresses and demands as a writing mom, but also the freedom we can embrace while trusting God.
It's also really helpful to have error of scrupulosity discussed. It was missed in the (evangelical) Christian writings I grew up with, which of course only the scrupulous kids ever read, reinforcing the problem.
Looking forward to reading your book! And I hope it's met with success! (Which really, only you can define what that success is--there are so many variations of what success can be. Regardless, I hope you are blessed with it.) :)
Yes, scrupulosity...maybe it doesn't get noted as much because of the overwhelming lack of conscience in our culture overall. So those people who struggle with scrupulosity get missed. Did you see the amazing essay about it (religious OCD) in Plough about a year ago?
Tears from a mother in the many-young-children + homeschooling phase. Thank you for writing this.
“Working on my fear of being misunderstood, and acknowledging that it is enough for me to write my own book rather than to try to write a book that will please everyone.”
Please do write your own book. I’ve read less of your work than I would like, but I’m certain we need more of it, even if it doesn’t please us all.
Many-young-children + homeschooling is a very good but extremely demanding season. Take care of yourself so you can keep loving on those precious children! You can do it!
Hearing some of these specifics of accommodation, help, and reshifting of time's priorities for a season was so nice to hear. We are grateful for your openness to God's call in your work, even as you've encouraged ways of building up our children and families. These wonky, exciting, never-before-ventured seasons can be so fruitful, though!! Cheering you on. (And, have missed your writing around here, even as you've been saying yes elsewhere.)
"These wonky, exciting, never-before-ventured seasons can be so fruitful, though!!" This is wonderful encouragement, and you're quite right. Sometimes we need to hold the reins just a little bit more loosely.
I'm glad it was helpful to hear some specifics/examples, as boy, things are crazy around here!
One of the things I neglected to mention was that the way I write has had to change for this book, but not in the way that I expected. When I wrote my dissertation, I had to change my writing style to a page-a-day quota, which was a new discipline for me ad very effective. But that has *not* worked with this book; rather, I have found that it works better for me to work on the book and my other work on alternate days, giving intensive focus to the book (multiple pages) on Monday, for example, but then not touching it on Tuesday while I sweep up the bits and pieces elsewhere (and make the kids hot chocolate!). So funny to bereminded again that what works for one time or one person may not automatically be best for another.
Thank you, Haley! Your posts are one of the highlights of my substack week!
This was so timely. Thank you for your words! I was just sitting in the shower crying and wondering if I needed to pause grad school for a semester, because the act of juggling homeschool and grad school has been just too much. But also wondering if there was any other thing I could take off my plate or another area to gain margin? Still don’t have answers, but it’s comforting and encouraging to hear I’m not the only one sitting with this tension. Also…my yelling this week wasn’t over Nutella, but about not bringing the snail village into the house and how I did not need 30 snails escaping their village into my home. 🤪
I can't imagine why you wouldn't want snails in your house. Ha! Good call on that one.
It is hard, Lydia. There are times when the rubber meets the road and we do have to give something up (at least temporarily). That is sometimes how "opening up space" looks; but there are other ways to open up space, too. It is difficult to discern in any given context whether we need to let go of a particular pursuit or let go of our perfectionism in other areas so that we can continue that pursuit, for example -- or whether we need to be more willing to accept help/think creatively. (I do encourage you to read some of Kerri's work on making such decisions.)
In terms of grad school, the best advice I can give is that *perseverance* is the only way through grad school -- for *anyone*, not just homeschooling moms like you and me. I think it's the singlemost important quality for graduate work (and I have an essay in mind on this for someday), and so I would encourage you to acknowledge to yourself that the fact that persevering is hard in your context does not mean there is anything wrong with you or what you are doing. It is meant to be hard, it will be hard; it's not a sign of something being wrong. The question is more: can you find away to support persevering in this goal right now so that you and your family can all be healthy while you do it -- so that the tears that necessarily come at times are followed by peace and hope and conviction -- or do you need to pause and seek better health and rest first, and then return to graduate work later on, if you'd like to?
I'll say a prayer for your discernment. Life is always changing!
So many good things for moms here, Dixie, and that's probably why our expectant daughter shared your post with us, but as a Dad and soon-to-be Grandad!, I find a lot to ponder as well. It's so helpful to think of our lives in terms of seasons, I agree. I need to think of some ways to free up some space at this point in my life as well.
Thank you so much! I think I naturally fall into talking about women when I'm saying something personal, of course, but I agree with you that the principles here do stand for men and women both and I did mean to address the post to both. I'm really glad you found the post interesting!
And my goodness, congratulations on your first grandchild! What a beautiful thing to be experiencing.
This made me tear up. Which yes, I’m sure has to do with pregnancy hormones, but is also because it rings so true. I am often so afraid to open up those avenues of letting other people support me in things that I “should” be able to do myself (says who?) This reflection coming to you from the end of what has been a difficult pregnancy, when my husband just cancelled a fun trip to be around, and yet I am still going out of town next week for a conference (which is for the purpose of being able to get skills to help with this next baby, but still somehow feels like this unimaginable luxury (of three days of class hahaha). It’s very difficult to unwind some of the guilt and messaging and try to discern what it is that God has gifted us in, and how our families might actually need to offer each other mutual care and support…
Annelise, you seem to grasp this muddle perfectly (or as perfectly as one can grasp a muddle, I guess). I am so glad you are going to the conference; going has been *so* difficult for me but once I am there, after a few hours, I'm overwhelmed by how good it is and how right it was for me to go! It is indeed very hard to unwind all the threads from this kind of knot; I think that for me, perfectionism is a part of it, too. And so I refuse to trust or to rest, and so trust and rest do not grow in me even when the gardener wants them to.
Hang in there. Pregnancy can be so hard. You are doing *good things.*
I can relate. I've had priests suggest to me in Confession that I might be in need of some recreation. I'm learning!
Thanks for your transparency.
It's not easy for some of us to "just have some fun." I hear you!
Thanks for this honest share Dixie! I loved that you provided the specifics of what your home life looks like during this season; hearing such honesty is refreshing. I am facing a very similar situation right now, an I resonate with how your home life needs to adapt while this project is happening. Maybe I'll share more about my experience soon as well :) So happy to hear that you are nearly done and have been missing your writing!
Thank you, Ruth. I am not very flexible sometimes; this experience is cracking that part of me open a bit so that I can not only adapt, but also forgive myself for being human (and yelling about Nutella).
I would love to read more about your experience sometime!
I think you have a great approach. You captured the stresses and demands as a writing mom, but also the freedom we can embrace while trusting God.
It's also really helpful to have error of scrupulosity discussed. It was missed in the (evangelical) Christian writings I grew up with, which of course only the scrupulous kids ever read, reinforcing the problem.
Looking forward to reading your book! And I hope it's met with success! (Which really, only you can define what that success is--there are so many variations of what success can be. Regardless, I hope you are blessed with it.) :)
Yes, scrupulosity...maybe it doesn't get noted as much because of the overwhelming lack of conscience in our culture overall. So those people who struggle with scrupulosity get missed. Did you see the amazing essay about it (religious OCD) in Plough about a year ago?
And thank you!
Yes, thanks to you. :)
Tears from a mother in the many-young-children + homeschooling phase. Thank you for writing this.
“Working on my fear of being misunderstood, and acknowledging that it is enough for me to write my own book rather than to try to write a book that will please everyone.”
Please do write your own book. I’ve read less of your work than I would like, but I’m certain we need more of it, even if it doesn’t please us all.
Leah, you are so kind and encouraging. Thank you.
Many-young-children + homeschooling is a very good but extremely demanding season. Take care of yourself so you can keep loving on those precious children! You can do it!
God bless you, Dixie.
Hearing some of these specifics of accommodation, help, and reshifting of time's priorities for a season was so nice to hear. We are grateful for your openness to God's call in your work, even as you've encouraged ways of building up our children and families. These wonky, exciting, never-before-ventured seasons can be so fruitful, though!! Cheering you on. (And, have missed your writing around here, even as you've been saying yes elsewhere.)
"These wonky, exciting, never-before-ventured seasons can be so fruitful, though!!" This is wonderful encouragement, and you're quite right. Sometimes we need to hold the reins just a little bit more loosely.
I'm glad it was helpful to hear some specifics/examples, as boy, things are crazy around here!
One of the things I neglected to mention was that the way I write has had to change for this book, but not in the way that I expected. When I wrote my dissertation, I had to change my writing style to a page-a-day quota, which was a new discipline for me ad very effective. But that has *not* worked with this book; rather, I have found that it works better for me to work on the book and my other work on alternate days, giving intensive focus to the book (multiple pages) on Monday, for example, but then not touching it on Tuesday while I sweep up the bits and pieces elsewhere (and make the kids hot chocolate!). So funny to bereminded again that what works for one time or one person may not automatically be best for another.
Thank you, Haley! Your posts are one of the highlights of my substack week!
Absolutely loved this!!
Thanks, Kerri!
This was so timely. Thank you for your words! I was just sitting in the shower crying and wondering if I needed to pause grad school for a semester, because the act of juggling homeschool and grad school has been just too much. But also wondering if there was any other thing I could take off my plate or another area to gain margin? Still don’t have answers, but it’s comforting and encouraging to hear I’m not the only one sitting with this tension. Also…my yelling this week wasn’t over Nutella, but about not bringing the snail village into the house and how I did not need 30 snails escaping their village into my home. 🤪
I can't imagine why you wouldn't want snails in your house. Ha! Good call on that one.
It is hard, Lydia. There are times when the rubber meets the road and we do have to give something up (at least temporarily). That is sometimes how "opening up space" looks; but there are other ways to open up space, too. It is difficult to discern in any given context whether we need to let go of a particular pursuit or let go of our perfectionism in other areas so that we can continue that pursuit, for example -- or whether we need to be more willing to accept help/think creatively. (I do encourage you to read some of Kerri's work on making such decisions.)
In terms of grad school, the best advice I can give is that *perseverance* is the only way through grad school -- for *anyone*, not just homeschooling moms like you and me. I think it's the singlemost important quality for graduate work (and I have an essay in mind on this for someday), and so I would encourage you to acknowledge to yourself that the fact that persevering is hard in your context does not mean there is anything wrong with you or what you are doing. It is meant to be hard, it will be hard; it's not a sign of something being wrong. The question is more: can you find away to support persevering in this goal right now so that you and your family can all be healthy while you do it -- so that the tears that necessarily come at times are followed by peace and hope and conviction -- or do you need to pause and seek better health and rest first, and then return to graduate work later on, if you'd like to?
I'll say a prayer for your discernment. Life is always changing!
So many good things for moms here, Dixie, and that's probably why our expectant daughter shared your post with us, but as a Dad and soon-to-be Grandad!, I find a lot to ponder as well. It's so helpful to think of our lives in terms of seasons, I agree. I need to think of some ways to free up some space at this point in my life as well.
Thank you so much! I think I naturally fall into talking about women when I'm saying something personal, of course, but I agree with you that the principles here do stand for men and women both and I did mean to address the post to both. I'm really glad you found the post interesting!
And my goodness, congratulations on your first grandchild! What a beautiful thing to be experiencing.
i can't wait to read this book.
I am honored! I am sure it will be imperfect, but I'm definitely giving it my best effort!