Ah - why do these very interesting pieces just come out as I need to let the chickens out and get breakfast started? I'll save it for my reading session tomorrow morning, and am looking forward to what you have to say!
Thank you! I really look forward to hearing your thoughts.
It's funny; I was in the middle of writing a response to somebody's pitch this morning and suddenly I remembered, wait -- *I* have a piece coming out to day! Must go read my own piece, STAT!
"It’s hard to describe it, but it’s like I’ve awoken to a self that I no longer thought was there. I had no idea this would happen. I woke up." Your piece expresses perfectly that we have all found ourselves in some kind of stupor, and we only recognize it when we truly unplug. The benefits you describe, and which I have similarly experienced myself when unplugged, should really prompt us to make this change immediately. Yet we don't or feel we can't.
I have not read the news since Lent and am happy to have shed that part of my online activity (I am missing nothing). I have shed all social media (nothing lost there either). But even just having substack as a single avenue, shows me that vices will find their foothold wherever they can. Having a larger readership now, places a lot more pressure on my writing, and when the stats go wonky because a portion of the audience does not want to read about homeschooling, it stings. I have moved to regarding my writing here as a draft version of a non-fiction book, which helps justify the time investment.
I think the effects that you are noting with regard to your children's reaction to you being more available are so telling. Children know where our minds are, and they don't want "screen face" (as my youngest calls it) from us; they simply want us to be fully present with them. I also relate to the temptation to jump on quickly during school and in order to counter it, I leave my laptop in my husband's office.
Unplugging is work, but it truly does wake us up! And who want to go through life half-asleep? Thanks again for this excellent piece Dixie:)
Ruth, your middle paragraph here is thought-provoking. I have to remind myself that, honestly, my goal with substack is not to monetize (although I am so grateful for my paid subscribers, and their contributions really do make a difference!). My goal is to express my ideas and enter into conversation with other thoughtful people. Like you, part of that has to do with my book manuscript, which is about to go to peer review with a press (and so I am revising like a madwoman!!). So I have to remind myself: don't do things *just* to gain subscribers, don't do things *just* because they sound like what others write on the internet. But *do* write what interests me. But yes, it will not be what everyone likes...sigh. Our internal priorities need to be clear. I'm happy you've found a good direction, and if your book is based on your posts, then I can't *wait* to read it!!
Imagine what it would mean if everyone would want to read what we write: that we are vapid and lukewarm on all fronts! That would be dreadful. Would love to hear about your book manuscript:)
Splendid, right up my alley! Will you include any information about homeschooling in Canada? Having read through some of the regulations in the U.S., it seems that we have more flexibility here (even with regard to being accepted into university studies).
Alas, no, the U.S. is already almost too big of a job! But I'm certainly interested in Canada and in other countries...
In terms of flexibility, the interesting thing in the U.S. is that the education codes and regulations are established by state, so some states are highly regulated and have tons of requirements, involvement, etc. in homeschooling, and others require almost nothing at all. Which state you're in has a huge impact on how you homeschool and what your experience is.
Even at the district level, in some high-reg states there are certain districts that enforce things and others that just...don't. (These regulations usually require a lot of man-hours from districts but don't fund extra hiring, etc. to make this possible.)
I’m really mulling these ideas over a lot and wondering if living far (as in, several time zones/ continents) away from loved ones makes it more challenging to unplug. Certainly in the past I got by on nothing but an occasional email or letter or phone call on an international calling card :) But I’m wondering now how much “ease” is a factor and how much true positive connection is a factor. Anyway, lots to think about and thank you for sharing your experience!
Thank you, Kerri! We also live quite far from most of our family.
I have found that regular weekend unplugging has been more successful for me than other types of unplugging in part because it still does give me 5 days a week to do all the things having to do with devices, including the social things. And of course, you could still do phone calls and video calls while otherwise unplugged. You make the rules!
Sorry if I missed it, but did you share what counts as “unplugged” for you? Do you have a landline for emergencies if your phone is turned off? (Also no pressure to share details if you want to keep them private! Just curious to get a picture of what it looks like. I don’t do emails on Sundays, for example, and love being free of that.)
Hey Kerri! I wrote about it earlier in the other essay (think I linked to it inside today's) but I'm not sure how specific I got. For me, it means not using the internet at all. So I don't use my laptop; if I had a tablet or something I wouldn't use that, either. We already don't have TV and I have a dumbphone so those things aren't a problem; I do sometimes watch a movie, but that's okay with me if it's not streaming.
I think that if I used a smartphone for phone calls I would probably allow myself to use it for phone calls only while unplugged (and sometimes texting. Texting isn't an issue for me because I already just don't text that much, usually only to exchange information with an IRL friend). The dumphone really helps with this!!
Also, yes, we actually do have a landline. But I don't think you have to in order to reap some benefits -- just make your own rules about what you find works from you. I promise not to send the Unplugging Police after anyone :)
Good for you about Sunday! My editors have kinda just gotten the gist that I don't reply on weekends so they just only e-mail me on weekdays now. So extending being e-mail-free to Saturday as well hasn't really been a problem for me, and my friends know to call me if they need me or are making plans during the weekend.
Ugh, sorry for yet another clarification, but in terms of the laptop, I don't use it at all, even for things not internet-related (like word processing).
This specificity is really helpful, so thanks! Always curious to learn from what is working for others, even if it isn't the exact same thing as I would do myself.
Yes! In a case like this, it's not because these things are inherently bad, right? We just all have different needs and challenges. Some people could probably use their laptop just for writing during an unplugged time, but I know that I won't be successful! Or my use of texting might be a very bad idea for other people. We have to know our own weaknesses and needs!
What a great read! And something I’ve considered myself, I don’t feel like I “need” to be on devices during the weekend, but yet I still do it. I want to at least try to ditch the phone more because in all honesty, I hate this thing (*as I type my response to you on my phone*).. it’s all baby steps!
I found leaving Instagram was a big help in the scrolling and opened up so much more mental space and even attention to my family. Like you said kids are playing and I’m not scrolling and looking at other random things that don’t matter! Thought provoking article and will be rethinking more of how I can set more technology boundaries!
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since you mentioned it earlier this year. And then I listened to the podcast with Tsh talking about dumb phones. And I think what it boils down to is that my phone is like a security blanket and I use it to escape things - even if the things I’m using aren’t necessarily bad. It’s like how I used to bake banana bread when I had a school essay to write and then I’d be doing it at 4 AM before it was due. I think i could solve the logistical issues pretty easily, the underlying emotional ones are the ones that are hard. And yet I know that I never regret doing the work. It’s easy to make excuses when I’m tired.
I have a feeling that I’ll just end up writing down some rules for myself and then publishing them so I have to do them 😅😂
Well, I want to see your list of rules! Please do publish it!
The thing that's hard about restricting phone use is that we do it for a reason. We are stressed, or scared, or hurting, or lonely, and it distracts us. It is a great hiding place...until we have to step outside of it again.
I think one thing that can help is to not just take away the phone, but add something at the same time to take care of those emotional (or physical, like tiredness) needs. When I'm off tech for the whole weekend, it works partly because that is also a time when my husband and I are both around and it's easier for us to do things like talk or visit friends (helps with the loneliness), rest (with the tiredness), recreate, comfort each other, etc. So you're not just without your coping mechanism (your phone) and left in the dust -- you are actually in a position where it's possible for you to seek comfort in healthy places and things.
If you ditch the phone at a time when you *can't* talk to a friend if you're sad, for example, that's going to be less successful and less positive a change than if you ditch the phone during a time when you actually are able to talk to a friend if you need to.
Exactly. You need to scaffold a support system. I think something like a wise phone might be a good step - just taking it down a notch. Podcasts & music are a helpful distraction, but having the whole internet in my pocket is not.
Yes, I have that kind of phone. It's nice because it means I can make phone calls and even send the occasional text without being tempted to scroll or check e-mail or constantly listen to music or podcast chatter.
I loved the thoughts on time management in your essay -- restricting the time increases the focus. I've found the same thing to be true of writing with children around. It's so much better if that time has a constraint, and weekend are such a definable and natural constraint. If my "work time" is unlimited, it has a lot of potential to turn into internet rabbit hole time... I've found that whenever I'm feeling like a "less-than" writer, I wind up on some kind of "dopamine kick" site (shorts on Youtube, for example). And then NO writing gets done!
It's a strange but true reality, isn't it? My husband and I first started restricting our work in graduate school when we decided we wouldn't work on Sundays. It was so scary -- we worked wayyyy more than 40 hours per week so we were really concerned we would not get our work done if we restricted our work time. But it turns out that it just made us more efficient on the other 6 days.
Right now with homeschooling thrown into the mix I am pretty sure I am at max restriction...I'm still a little scared. But as an editor friend reminded me recently, "You work faster than you think!"
Ah - why do these very interesting pieces just come out as I need to let the chickens out and get breakfast started? I'll save it for my reading session tomorrow morning, and am looking forward to what you have to say!
Thank you! I really look forward to hearing your thoughts.
It's funny; I was in the middle of writing a response to somebody's pitch this morning and suddenly I remembered, wait -- *I* have a piece coming out to day! Must go read my own piece, STAT!
"It’s hard to describe it, but it’s like I’ve awoken to a self that I no longer thought was there. I had no idea this would happen. I woke up." Your piece expresses perfectly that we have all found ourselves in some kind of stupor, and we only recognize it when we truly unplug. The benefits you describe, and which I have similarly experienced myself when unplugged, should really prompt us to make this change immediately. Yet we don't or feel we can't.
I have not read the news since Lent and am happy to have shed that part of my online activity (I am missing nothing). I have shed all social media (nothing lost there either). But even just having substack as a single avenue, shows me that vices will find their foothold wherever they can. Having a larger readership now, places a lot more pressure on my writing, and when the stats go wonky because a portion of the audience does not want to read about homeschooling, it stings. I have moved to regarding my writing here as a draft version of a non-fiction book, which helps justify the time investment.
I think the effects that you are noting with regard to your children's reaction to you being more available are so telling. Children know where our minds are, and they don't want "screen face" (as my youngest calls it) from us; they simply want us to be fully present with them. I also relate to the temptation to jump on quickly during school and in order to counter it, I leave my laptop in my husband's office.
Unplugging is work, but it truly does wake us up! And who want to go through life half-asleep? Thanks again for this excellent piece Dixie:)
Ruth, your middle paragraph here is thought-provoking. I have to remind myself that, honestly, my goal with substack is not to monetize (although I am so grateful for my paid subscribers, and their contributions really do make a difference!). My goal is to express my ideas and enter into conversation with other thoughtful people. Like you, part of that has to do with my book manuscript, which is about to go to peer review with a press (and so I am revising like a madwoman!!). So I have to remind myself: don't do things *just* to gain subscribers, don't do things *just* because they sound like what others write on the internet. But *do* write what interests me. But yes, it will not be what everyone likes...sigh. Our internal priorities need to be clear. I'm happy you've found a good direction, and if your book is based on your posts, then I can't *wait* to read it!!
Imagine what it would mean if everyone would want to read what we write: that we are vapid and lukewarm on all fronts! That would be dreadful. Would love to hear about your book manuscript:)
Just so!
It's a history of homeschooling in America since 1950. Based on my dissertation and more recent research about homeschooling in/since the pandemic.
Splendid, right up my alley! Will you include any information about homeschooling in Canada? Having read through some of the regulations in the U.S., it seems that we have more flexibility here (even with regard to being accepted into university studies).
Looking forward to it :)
Alas, no, the U.S. is already almost too big of a job! But I'm certainly interested in Canada and in other countries...
In terms of flexibility, the interesting thing in the U.S. is that the education codes and regulations are established by state, so some states are highly regulated and have tons of requirements, involvement, etc. in homeschooling, and others require almost nothing at all. Which state you're in has a huge impact on how you homeschool and what your experience is.
Even at the district level, in some high-reg states there are certain districts that enforce things and others that just...don't. (These regulations usually require a lot of man-hours from districts but don't fund extra hiring, etc. to make this possible.)
I’m really mulling these ideas over a lot and wondering if living far (as in, several time zones/ continents) away from loved ones makes it more challenging to unplug. Certainly in the past I got by on nothing but an occasional email or letter or phone call on an international calling card :) But I’m wondering now how much “ease” is a factor and how much true positive connection is a factor. Anyway, lots to think about and thank you for sharing your experience!
Thank you, Kerri! We also live quite far from most of our family.
I have found that regular weekend unplugging has been more successful for me than other types of unplugging in part because it still does give me 5 days a week to do all the things having to do with devices, including the social things. And of course, you could still do phone calls and video calls while otherwise unplugged. You make the rules!
Sorry if I missed it, but did you share what counts as “unplugged” for you? Do you have a landline for emergencies if your phone is turned off? (Also no pressure to share details if you want to keep them private! Just curious to get a picture of what it looks like. I don’t do emails on Sundays, for example, and love being free of that.)
Hey Kerri! I wrote about it earlier in the other essay (think I linked to it inside today's) but I'm not sure how specific I got. For me, it means not using the internet at all. So I don't use my laptop; if I had a tablet or something I wouldn't use that, either. We already don't have TV and I have a dumbphone so those things aren't a problem; I do sometimes watch a movie, but that's okay with me if it's not streaming.
I think that if I used a smartphone for phone calls I would probably allow myself to use it for phone calls only while unplugged (and sometimes texting. Texting isn't an issue for me because I already just don't text that much, usually only to exchange information with an IRL friend). The dumphone really helps with this!!
Also, yes, we actually do have a landline. But I don't think you have to in order to reap some benefits -- just make your own rules about what you find works from you. I promise not to send the Unplugging Police after anyone :)
Good for you about Sunday! My editors have kinda just gotten the gist that I don't reply on weekends so they just only e-mail me on weekdays now. So extending being e-mail-free to Saturday as well hasn't really been a problem for me, and my friends know to call me if they need me or are making plans during the weekend.
Ugh, sorry for yet another clarification, but in terms of the laptop, I don't use it at all, even for things not internet-related (like word processing).
This specificity is really helpful, so thanks! Always curious to learn from what is working for others, even if it isn't the exact same thing as I would do myself.
Yes! In a case like this, it's not because these things are inherently bad, right? We just all have different needs and challenges. Some people could probably use their laptop just for writing during an unplugged time, but I know that I won't be successful! Or my use of texting might be a very bad idea for other people. We have to know our own weaknesses and needs!
What a great read! And something I’ve considered myself, I don’t feel like I “need” to be on devices during the weekend, but yet I still do it. I want to at least try to ditch the phone more because in all honesty, I hate this thing (*as I type my response to you on my phone*).. it’s all baby steps!
I found leaving Instagram was a big help in the scrolling and opened up so much more mental space and even attention to my family. Like you said kids are playing and I’m not scrolling and looking at other random things that don’t matter! Thought provoking article and will be rethinking more of how I can set more technology boundaries!
Thank you, Jennifer! I'd love to hear more about what you choose to do over time.
I love this. I feel the "It robbed me of my hiding place." Oof. I needed to read that today.
Yeah...it's not exactly fun. But it is so good to experience. So good.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since you mentioned it earlier this year. And then I listened to the podcast with Tsh talking about dumb phones. And I think what it boils down to is that my phone is like a security blanket and I use it to escape things - even if the things I’m using aren’t necessarily bad. It’s like how I used to bake banana bread when I had a school essay to write and then I’d be doing it at 4 AM before it was due. I think i could solve the logistical issues pretty easily, the underlying emotional ones are the ones that are hard. And yet I know that I never regret doing the work. It’s easy to make excuses when I’m tired.
I have a feeling that I’ll just end up writing down some rules for myself and then publishing them so I have to do them 😅😂
Well, I want to see your list of rules! Please do publish it!
The thing that's hard about restricting phone use is that we do it for a reason. We are stressed, or scared, or hurting, or lonely, and it distracts us. It is a great hiding place...until we have to step outside of it again.
I think one thing that can help is to not just take away the phone, but add something at the same time to take care of those emotional (or physical, like tiredness) needs. When I'm off tech for the whole weekend, it works partly because that is also a time when my husband and I are both around and it's easier for us to do things like talk or visit friends (helps with the loneliness), rest (with the tiredness), recreate, comfort each other, etc. So you're not just without your coping mechanism (your phone) and left in the dust -- you are actually in a position where it's possible for you to seek comfort in healthy places and things.
If you ditch the phone at a time when you *can't* talk to a friend if you're sad, for example, that's going to be less successful and less positive a change than if you ditch the phone during a time when you actually are able to talk to a friend if you need to.
*we use phones for a reason
Exactly. You need to scaffold a support system. I think something like a wise phone might be a good step - just taking it down a notch. Podcasts & music are a helpful distraction, but having the whole internet in my pocket is not.
Yes, I have that kind of phone. It's nice because it means I can make phone calls and even send the occasional text without being tempted to scroll or check e-mail or constantly listen to music or podcast chatter.
I loved the thoughts on time management in your essay -- restricting the time increases the focus. I've found the same thing to be true of writing with children around. It's so much better if that time has a constraint, and weekend are such a definable and natural constraint. If my "work time" is unlimited, it has a lot of potential to turn into internet rabbit hole time... I've found that whenever I'm feeling like a "less-than" writer, I wind up on some kind of "dopamine kick" site (shorts on Youtube, for example). And then NO writing gets done!
It's a strange but true reality, isn't it? My husband and I first started restricting our work in graduate school when we decided we wouldn't work on Sundays. It was so scary -- we worked wayyyy more than 40 hours per week so we were really concerned we would not get our work done if we restricted our work time. But it turns out that it just made us more efficient on the other 6 days.
Right now with homeschooling thrown into the mix I am pretty sure I am at max restriction...I'm still a little scared. But as an editor friend reminded me recently, "You work faster than you think!"