I don't think you have been hanging around the right people. I go to lots of weddings, as a retired teacher, and the young men are always shaking hands with each other. They are also wearing lots of vests and growing long beards. I'm pretty sure that their great-great-grandmothers would find them very attractive. I think they are charming.
I certainly do witness many handshakes, fortunately. But also many times when we go without...
I don't think that women have ever shaken hands as much as men, either, I suppose. But I find that with both sexes there can be an awkwardness around introductions generally -- as in, the introductions are simply not made. The not exchanging names thing seems almost worse than not shaking hands!
I have more to say on this. As an English teacher at the middle school level, I remember teaching introductions as an "active" activity that broke up all the book work for my seventh-graders. I would go into detail about who offered a hand first (bosses, women). We would talk about who stood up during an introduction. As I age there are fewer and fewer people I stand up for because they are more elderly. We even went into phrases like "I would like to present XXXX to you." They thought "how do you do" was really weird, but I still use it. Wouldn't it be fun to see "the handshake challenge" on Facebook or X. And maybe hear from Americans of other cultures about their differing traditions.
I really enjoyed this Dixie. I do notice people shake hands less -- but I always put mine out. It's good manners, period.. Plus, I like it. It humanizes other people, and it does make me trust them more. I always remember the people who actually reach their hand toward me during the sign of peace and I always feel like we have a more authentic moment of 'peace be with you.'
"It humanizes other people, and it does make me trust them more." Exactly! Thanks, Katie. Good point about the sign of peace, too. An earlier draft of this article actually began with discussing handshakes in the sign of peace!
I'm wondering if I've taught the "art of handshaking" to my kids now. I don't know if I have--and if I'm assuming they know! I'm going to ask them tomorrow. I love everything about this piece.
I was really good about teaching this kind of manners to the kids before Covid but during Covid they kinda forgot for a while, ha! I need to refresh on some of these things.
I've spent a lot of time over the course of my life in male-dominated spaces (I was raised working in my dad's hardware store, I'm currently a civil engineer) and I think I'm pretty comfortable with handshakes. I will often offer my hand to men who seem somewhat unsure if they should shake my hand, and sometimes it's an opening to introduce myself, "I'm Amy Anderson, I'm the engineer for this project" so that people know my role (because engineer is not always their first guess!)
However, I will confess that over my lifetime I've learned that certain men give themselves away in a handshake. If upon introduction your handshake physically hurts my hand, 100% of the time it ends up that you are not someone I want to socialize or do business with, full stop. This does not go the other way though; some people who don't give good handshakes or any handshake at all for various reasons are delightful on further acquaintance! But if you cannot rein in your desire to intimidate others for a brief social convention, rest assured I will limit my contact with you.
What a great piece, Dixie! I loved this line: “the perceived cost of accidentally offending someone is great”- it’s so true and so sad. I find myself much more hesitant than I used to be, to offer help or otherwise “intrude” in a situation in which I am basically a stranger.
This is not the point of your piece but I’m curious when women and men started shaking hands with one another, at least in the West in general? I know for some periods of history/ in some places this was (is) avoided for many reasons ranging from moral to practical (- for instance, shaking hands while wearing several large rings can be quite painful. )
That's a great question! I don't know the answer. I would love to read a whole book on greeting customs -- kissing, hugging, bowing, nodding, shaking hands, etc. I wonder if there is one?
I don't think you have been hanging around the right people. I go to lots of weddings, as a retired teacher, and the young men are always shaking hands with each other. They are also wearing lots of vests and growing long beards. I'm pretty sure that their great-great-grandmothers would find them very attractive. I think they are charming.
Very glad to hear this, Sarah!
I certainly do witness many handshakes, fortunately. But also many times when we go without...
I don't think that women have ever shaken hands as much as men, either, I suppose. But I find that with both sexes there can be an awkwardness around introductions generally -- as in, the introductions are simply not made. The not exchanging names thing seems almost worse than not shaking hands!
I have more to say on this. As an English teacher at the middle school level, I remember teaching introductions as an "active" activity that broke up all the book work for my seventh-graders. I would go into detail about who offered a hand first (bosses, women). We would talk about who stood up during an introduction. As I age there are fewer and fewer people I stand up for because they are more elderly. We even went into phrases like "I would like to present XXXX to you." They thought "how do you do" was really weird, but I still use it. Wouldn't it be fun to see "the handshake challenge" on Facebook or X. And maybe hear from Americans of other cultures about their differing traditions.
I really enjoyed this Dixie. I do notice people shake hands less -- but I always put mine out. It's good manners, period.. Plus, I like it. It humanizes other people, and it does make me trust them more. I always remember the people who actually reach their hand toward me during the sign of peace and I always feel like we have a more authentic moment of 'peace be with you.'
"It humanizes other people, and it does make me trust them more." Exactly! Thanks, Katie. Good point about the sign of peace, too. An earlier draft of this article actually began with discussing handshakes in the sign of peace!
I'm wondering if I've taught the "art of handshaking" to my kids now. I don't know if I have--and if I'm assuming they know! I'm going to ask them tomorrow. I love everything about this piece.
I was really good about teaching this kind of manners to the kids before Covid but during Covid they kinda forgot for a while, ha! I need to refresh on some of these things.
I've spent a lot of time over the course of my life in male-dominated spaces (I was raised working in my dad's hardware store, I'm currently a civil engineer) and I think I'm pretty comfortable with handshakes. I will often offer my hand to men who seem somewhat unsure if they should shake my hand, and sometimes it's an opening to introduce myself, "I'm Amy Anderson, I'm the engineer for this project" so that people know my role (because engineer is not always their first guess!)
However, I will confess that over my lifetime I've learned that certain men give themselves away in a handshake. If upon introduction your handshake physically hurts my hand, 100% of the time it ends up that you are not someone I want to socialize or do business with, full stop. This does not go the other way though; some people who don't give good handshakes or any handshake at all for various reasons are delightful on further acquaintance! But if you cannot rein in your desire to intimidate others for a brief social convention, rest assured I will limit my contact with you.
Fascinating, and another reason handshakes are so useful! I know exactly what you mean about that kind of handshake.
What a great piece, Dixie! I loved this line: “the perceived cost of accidentally offending someone is great”- it’s so true and so sad. I find myself much more hesitant than I used to be, to offer help or otherwise “intrude” in a situation in which I am basically a stranger.
This is not the point of your piece but I’m curious when women and men started shaking hands with one another, at least in the West in general? I know for some periods of history/ in some places this was (is) avoided for many reasons ranging from moral to practical (- for instance, shaking hands while wearing several large rings can be quite painful. )
That's a great question! I don't know the answer. I would love to read a whole book on greeting customs -- kissing, hugging, bowing, nodding, shaking hands, etc. I wonder if there is one?
That's a great question! I dont know of any, but it's not my area. Do report back if you find anything!
I don't have the brainpower for it this morning but it would be interesting to think about differences between the sexes in these customs generally...