Thank you both! "Attending without pretending" is kind of catchy, right?
Tessa Carman is the one who first pointed out to me that quiet types have always had a place in large community gatherings. And it's true! There is room for all!
Loved this Dixie :) As an extrovert (who is married to an introvert) I appreciate your insights and practical suggestions. Definitely a needed addition to the tech resistance conversation!
Thank you, Ruth! And I loved your post today. As with so many of your posts, I'll be thinking about that one for a long time.
I'm actually always a little uncomfortable with the extrovert/introvert dichotomy because I think many people are somewhere on a spectrum with these things. I actually enjoy public speaking and large gatherings and things like this, but only when they are few and far between. One-on-one and small-group (like my family!) interactions, along with as much solitude as I can get as the mother of four kids, is my emotional and social bread-and-butter. So I wanted to point out in this essay that people who think of themselve as introverts can just go ahead and do what they need to do (and the same goes for extroverts and everyone else) without a lot of pressure to pretend!
Love it! I’m glad you highlighted the need to be aware of our cycles and I would just add that I try not to make myself do too many social things in a row. If I’m going to meet up with people one night, I don’t have to feel bad about saying no to an invitation the next night. That’s how I motivate myself out of pjs- I promise myself a relaxing evening soon! :)
Such a good point. I'm that way, too. I enjoy the occasional larger (even raucous!) gathering but then I need a goooood long break afterwards, or I will flame out. Know thyself!
"They usually go something like this: Throw a barn dance! Organize a block party! Start a playgroup for all the crazy toddlers you know! Host a monthly open house! Join a homeschool co-op (or better yet, start one)!"
hahahha Thank you for this realistic and reasonable advice. Full introvert here, who loves people but.... in small numbers at a time. :)
I've been meaning to ask, Can you please host a barn dance next weekend and invite everyone you know from substack, and also you don't mind if we all sleep on your floor, too, right? SEE YOU SATURDAY
I think there's also an element of live and learn with this. I've chosen to do things I personally would run screaming from, but that I know would benefit my children/my family. And sometimes that works out and the personal sacrifice is worth it, and other times... It's March and I'm burned out and want to hide in my bed until June, and it's just too much. Irritatingly, part of the human condition is that we don't always know what is going to be right for us/our families until we not only think it through but live it through.
Also, I liked you point about not having to role-play an extrovert in order to enjoy large gatherings. My husband and I take breaks at parties and big events all the time. Even the ones we host!
Great points! I actually often take a little break in the middle of Mass, even -- just stepping outside of the crowded, sensory-heavy environment to breathe for a few minutes. I also have one child who really benefits from having permission to do this.
Next time I'm at one of your parties, if I see you leave I am going to follow you and make you look at all the boring pictures from my last vacation and not give you a moment's peace. Just see if I don't.
There is *a lot* in between “doing quiet things by yourself” and “loud things with lots of other people.” I am very extroverted, but loud, large parties are no longer my style. I prefer small, intimate gatherings, always! Great piece.
Loved these suggestions. Being the fly on the wall is a fascinating way to attend an event. And one cannot sit in the corner with knitting without attracting like-minded people. It's a great way to start a simple conversation with someone who's on the same wavelength.
I think where I'm struggling (in general, not necessarily with tech) is how to give my children (so far, I can tell my eldest is similar in temperament to myself, and my next is very extroverted, TBD on everyone else) the things that they need, while also not overextending myself so I'm a disaster all the time. I do think it may look like (for me) looking specifically for more ways for there to be organic overlap in our social lives, without it requiring a lot of commitment. So, living close to people so the kids can play, and I can say hi, but I don't necessarily need to invite people in my house all the time. I often feel very guilty about this need to protect my home as haven. It's not that I am not hospitable, or don't have people over, but having people come in uninvited or repeatedly waltzing through is very hard to handle, haha. But, some people really thrive on that! And like another commenter said, sometimes you only learn by doing. We pulled out of a homeschool co-op mid year because I was out of the house and socializing two mornings every week, and that was clearly not working for our family and me. Sigh.
Yes, this is a real struggle. I think it's part of how God both stretches us and teaches us to be good stewards. As Helena (I think she's the commenter you mean) was saying, sometimes we have to do something uncomfortable socially in order to serve the needs of someone else in the family. And sometimes you need to draw a line over which you won't cross unless something quite unexpected occurs. This is something that I find myself re-evaluating at least twice a year: usually around April and then again in August as I plan out the new school year. There's always either an adding in of new activities or a subtracting of old ones. Or both. Our needs change, too, over time.
Part of the thought process behind this essay for me was the sense of shame that I have sometimes felt for wanting things to be quiet or wanting solitude or lots and lots of time at home. (I also do want the opposite sometimes!) People are often drawn to extroverts, for obvious reasons. But other personalities have their value, too, and it really does take all kinds to make a thriving world. I want to help counteract that shame.
So this morning I was blabbing away to my husband about my seasonal self-doubt (otherwise known as “question basically everything we’ve decided to do with our kids in the last year”), which manifests as 1) wondering if we should actually be homeschooling again, even though our kids go to a fantastic small school which is literally everything I ever wanted in a school for them, which leads to 2) knowing my wondering stems from the very Aprilish fatigue of the running to and from school, extracurriculars, and trying to juggle things so our kids have some healthy and enriching activities that we can’t give them at home, and culminating in 3) down at bedrock, me questioning how God can mean it when He says children are a blessing and heritage from Him, when our culture just isn’t made for families with kids (or more than, say, two) and I’m struggling to reconcile impossibilities, or maybe just come to terms with them and being okay with things not being perfect.
Maybe some of this was exacerbated by us only having one working car this week and having one husband who works and seven kids with the same number of activities, plus one three-month-old who still BFs a LOT. /sarc
Thanks, Dixie and Annelise, for prompting this word dump. 😊
"Seasonal self-doubt." I am very familiar with this!!
April is both a tired time and a time of possibility, so it's natural to want to solve your tiredness by questioning everything and making big changes instead of just letting the natural change -- the beginning of summer -- happen and do its work on you. Throw in a nursing baby and, well...I totally get it! Hang in there!
Hello from the extrovert who would LOVE to host a phone-free barn dance in her backyard . . . who is married to an introvert who would hate every minute of it :-D The thing it took me years to realize about my relationship with social media is that parasocial relationships are actually very harmful to me in particular. I have been an avid reader of blogs for twenty years now; some of the Catholic mom bloggers I started reading in college have children in their late teens and I remember when those children were born. I've learned a ton from reading these women's experiences and wisdom, and it was one of my primary preparations for marriage and motherhood, long before I was anywhere near either of those experiences in my own life. But because I don't have social media accounts (and even if I did, this would still be true) the funhouse mirror distortion of life through a screen means that *I don't know these women and they don't know me* and that reality leaves me very, very lonely. It's like drinking seawater - you think it quenches your thirst but it really makes it worse. I've really cut back my blog reading in recent years (and I'm proceeding with caution in Substack) to make sure what I'm reading is edifying and valuable but knowing that I have to limit my reading even of good things, just to leave mental and emotional space for the long, slow construction of real-life relationships.
I've never heard the word parasocial, but I'm so glad there's a word for this -- that one-sided relationship. I am also very concerned (both for myself and just generally) about this phenomenon of feeling as if you are friends with an influencer/blogger/etc. when in reality you A) don't really know them, but know a lot of very specific, sometimes personal things about them, and B) they don't know you from Adam.
We have such a deep need to know and be known. Social media can deceive us into thinking that we have these relationships when we actually do not, and that can be very destructive. We have to find social connections in other ways.
I have found that the real friendships I have developed over the years online (as opposed to acquaintanceships, which are also good!) have always involved some sort of longer-form conversation, whether through messaging, or by phone, or e-mail, or Zoom, and/or eventually in person. You can meet friends online and maintain a friendship online, but it has to be something reciprocal for it to really develop.
This has to be short because there are a stack of potatoes to be peeled for dinner but since you know from previous comments that I'm not on social media, I think being confined to only lurking and not being able to comment/interact/direct message/etc has actually made this problem worse for me specifically. Maybe I would have made friends with people if I had had a way to converse with them! Instead I'm like the kid pressed up against the window who can't come in; I can only look, I can never be included. Now, I think the odds are long that being on social media would have resulted in friendship(s) that would have been a net benefit to offset all the struggles I would have had with comparison, envy, attention-seeking, and other issues, but I do wonder about that alternate path sometimes, just like I sometimes wonder if I should have started a blog in 2008 like everyone else I knew . . . ;-)
I'm not on social media either (except Twitter, which I use basically for professional networking) and I don't have a smartphone so that puts some good limits on me. But when I was on social media...it was a major net negative. So much just wishing and longing and becoming drained and depressed. There's so much that goes into that but I hear you about lurking sometimes being worse than engaging.
I don't think substack is entirely different from social media, but I think it is easier to use in a healthier way than social media, and it can actually lead to fruitful discussions and connections that can become collegial, friendly, even deep over time if they are also expanded through other means.
I have valued the in-comments discussions at the Hollow tremendously, for example. But sometimes likes/comments/etc. can be just about signalling, too; I have learned over the last couple of years that I have to hold myself to certain standards in my own "liking" and commenting if I want to maintain the kind of discussions on substack that I want to have.
Love the advice, Dixie, to attend without pretending - that is so refreshing.
I also really liked this!
Thank you both! "Attending without pretending" is kind of catchy, right?
Tessa Carman is the one who first pointed out to me that quiet types have always had a place in large community gatherings. And it's true! There is room for all!
Definitely catchy!
I'd trademark it while you can Dixie ;)
Agreed! Really liked this one!
I'm so glad, Jessamyn!
Loved this Dixie :) As an extrovert (who is married to an introvert) I appreciate your insights and practical suggestions. Definitely a needed addition to the tech resistance conversation!
Thank you, Ruth! And I loved your post today. As with so many of your posts, I'll be thinking about that one for a long time.
I'm actually always a little uncomfortable with the extrovert/introvert dichotomy because I think many people are somewhere on a spectrum with these things. I actually enjoy public speaking and large gatherings and things like this, but only when they are few and far between. One-on-one and small-group (like my family!) interactions, along with as much solitude as I can get as the mother of four kids, is my emotional and social bread-and-butter. So I wanted to point out in this essay that people who think of themselve as introverts can just go ahead and do what they need to do (and the same goes for extroverts and everyone else) without a lot of pressure to pretend!
Love it! I’m glad you highlighted the need to be aware of our cycles and I would just add that I try not to make myself do too many social things in a row. If I’m going to meet up with people one night, I don’t have to feel bad about saying no to an invitation the next night. That’s how I motivate myself out of pjs- I promise myself a relaxing evening soon! :)
Such a good point. I'm that way, too. I enjoy the occasional larger (even raucous!) gathering but then I need a goooood long break afterwards, or I will flame out. Know thyself!
"They usually go something like this: Throw a barn dance! Organize a block party! Start a playgroup for all the crazy toddlers you know! Host a monthly open house! Join a homeschool co-op (or better yet, start one)!"
hahahha Thank you for this realistic and reasonable advice. Full introvert here, who loves people but.... in small numbers at a time. :)
I've been meaning to ask, Can you please host a barn dance next weekend and invite everyone you know from substack, and also you don't mind if we all sleep on your floor, too, right? SEE YOU SATURDAY
I think there's also an element of live and learn with this. I've chosen to do things I personally would run screaming from, but that I know would benefit my children/my family. And sometimes that works out and the personal sacrifice is worth it, and other times... It's March and I'm burned out and want to hide in my bed until June, and it's just too much. Irritatingly, part of the human condition is that we don't always know what is going to be right for us/our families until we not only think it through but live it through.
Also, I liked you point about not having to role-play an extrovert in order to enjoy large gatherings. My husband and I take breaks at parties and big events all the time. Even the ones we host!
Great points! I actually often take a little break in the middle of Mass, even -- just stepping outside of the crowded, sensory-heavy environment to breathe for a few minutes. I also have one child who really benefits from having permission to do this.
Next time I'm at one of your parties, if I see you leave I am going to follow you and make you look at all the boring pictures from my last vacation and not give you a moment's peace. Just see if I don't.
Just kidding.
Possibly.
There is *a lot* in between “doing quiet things by yourself” and “loud things with lots of other people.” I am very extroverted, but loud, large parties are no longer my style. I prefer small, intimate gatherings, always! Great piece.
True! We need to reclaim that happy middle in all its blessed variety.
Loved these suggestions. Being the fly on the wall is a fascinating way to attend an event. And one cannot sit in the corner with knitting without attracting like-minded people. It's a great way to start a simple conversation with someone who's on the same wavelength.
That's a nice idea -- you can meet others who are also interested in a quieter role at the party. It's like being an introverted trendsetter!
I think where I'm struggling (in general, not necessarily with tech) is how to give my children (so far, I can tell my eldest is similar in temperament to myself, and my next is very extroverted, TBD on everyone else) the things that they need, while also not overextending myself so I'm a disaster all the time. I do think it may look like (for me) looking specifically for more ways for there to be organic overlap in our social lives, without it requiring a lot of commitment. So, living close to people so the kids can play, and I can say hi, but I don't necessarily need to invite people in my house all the time. I often feel very guilty about this need to protect my home as haven. It's not that I am not hospitable, or don't have people over, but having people come in uninvited or repeatedly waltzing through is very hard to handle, haha. But, some people really thrive on that! And like another commenter said, sometimes you only learn by doing. We pulled out of a homeschool co-op mid year because I was out of the house and socializing two mornings every week, and that was clearly not working for our family and me. Sigh.
Yes, this is a real struggle. I think it's part of how God both stretches us and teaches us to be good stewards. As Helena (I think she's the commenter you mean) was saying, sometimes we have to do something uncomfortable socially in order to serve the needs of someone else in the family. And sometimes you need to draw a line over which you won't cross unless something quite unexpected occurs. This is something that I find myself re-evaluating at least twice a year: usually around April and then again in August as I plan out the new school year. There's always either an adding in of new activities or a subtracting of old ones. Or both. Our needs change, too, over time.
Part of the thought process behind this essay for me was the sense of shame that I have sometimes felt for wanting things to be quiet or wanting solitude or lots and lots of time at home. (I also do want the opposite sometimes!) People are often drawn to extroverts, for obvious reasons. But other personalities have their value, too, and it really does take all kinds to make a thriving world. I want to help counteract that shame.
So this morning I was blabbing away to my husband about my seasonal self-doubt (otherwise known as “question basically everything we’ve decided to do with our kids in the last year”), which manifests as 1) wondering if we should actually be homeschooling again, even though our kids go to a fantastic small school which is literally everything I ever wanted in a school for them, which leads to 2) knowing my wondering stems from the very Aprilish fatigue of the running to and from school, extracurriculars, and trying to juggle things so our kids have some healthy and enriching activities that we can’t give them at home, and culminating in 3) down at bedrock, me questioning how God can mean it when He says children are a blessing and heritage from Him, when our culture just isn’t made for families with kids (or more than, say, two) and I’m struggling to reconcile impossibilities, or maybe just come to terms with them and being okay with things not being perfect.
Maybe some of this was exacerbated by us only having one working car this week and having one husband who works and seven kids with the same number of activities, plus one three-month-old who still BFs a LOT. /sarc
Thanks, Dixie and Annelise, for prompting this word dump. 😊
"Seasonal self-doubt." I am very familiar with this!!
April is both a tired time and a time of possibility, so it's natural to want to solve your tiredness by questioning everything and making big changes instead of just letting the natural change -- the beginning of summer -- happen and do its work on you. Throw in a nursing baby and, well...I totally get it! Hang in there!
Great photo at the top. I laugh-snorted when I saw it and the accompanying caption. :)
Why, thank you!
Hello from the extrovert who would LOVE to host a phone-free barn dance in her backyard . . . who is married to an introvert who would hate every minute of it :-D The thing it took me years to realize about my relationship with social media is that parasocial relationships are actually very harmful to me in particular. I have been an avid reader of blogs for twenty years now; some of the Catholic mom bloggers I started reading in college have children in their late teens and I remember when those children were born. I've learned a ton from reading these women's experiences and wisdom, and it was one of my primary preparations for marriage and motherhood, long before I was anywhere near either of those experiences in my own life. But because I don't have social media accounts (and even if I did, this would still be true) the funhouse mirror distortion of life through a screen means that *I don't know these women and they don't know me* and that reality leaves me very, very lonely. It's like drinking seawater - you think it quenches your thirst but it really makes it worse. I've really cut back my blog reading in recent years (and I'm proceeding with caution in Substack) to make sure what I'm reading is edifying and valuable but knowing that I have to limit my reading even of good things, just to leave mental and emotional space for the long, slow construction of real-life relationships.
I've never heard the word parasocial, but I'm so glad there's a word for this -- that one-sided relationship. I am also very concerned (both for myself and just generally) about this phenomenon of feeling as if you are friends with an influencer/blogger/etc. when in reality you A) don't really know them, but know a lot of very specific, sometimes personal things about them, and B) they don't know you from Adam.
We have such a deep need to know and be known. Social media can deceive us into thinking that we have these relationships when we actually do not, and that can be very destructive. We have to find social connections in other ways.
I have found that the real friendships I have developed over the years online (as opposed to acquaintanceships, which are also good!) have always involved some sort of longer-form conversation, whether through messaging, or by phone, or e-mail, or Zoom, and/or eventually in person. You can meet friends online and maintain a friendship online, but it has to be something reciprocal for it to really develop.
This has to be short because there are a stack of potatoes to be peeled for dinner but since you know from previous comments that I'm not on social media, I think being confined to only lurking and not being able to comment/interact/direct message/etc has actually made this problem worse for me specifically. Maybe I would have made friends with people if I had had a way to converse with them! Instead I'm like the kid pressed up against the window who can't come in; I can only look, I can never be included. Now, I think the odds are long that being on social media would have resulted in friendship(s) that would have been a net benefit to offset all the struggles I would have had with comparison, envy, attention-seeking, and other issues, but I do wonder about that alternate path sometimes, just like I sometimes wonder if I should have started a blog in 2008 like everyone else I knew . . . ;-)
I'm not on social media either (except Twitter, which I use basically for professional networking) and I don't have a smartphone so that puts some good limits on me. But when I was on social media...it was a major net negative. So much just wishing and longing and becoming drained and depressed. There's so much that goes into that but I hear you about lurking sometimes being worse than engaging.
I don't think substack is entirely different from social media, but I think it is easier to use in a healthier way than social media, and it can actually lead to fruitful discussions and connections that can become collegial, friendly, even deep over time if they are also expanded through other means.
I have valued the in-comments discussions at the Hollow tremendously, for example. But sometimes likes/comments/etc. can be just about signalling, too; I have learned over the last couple of years that I have to hold myself to certain standards in my own "liking" and commenting if I want to maintain the kind of discussions on substack that I want to have.